Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
What to do, what to do?????
Learning:
Hi Bunny,
Thank you for your responses. A couple of thoughts...
--- Quote ---This sounds like typical permissive grandparent behavior.
--- End quote ---
Yes it does (from what I've heard). Still it angers me. It really gets to me when she tells me how to parent because she didn't bother to parent me that much when I needed it. I feel like she has no business giving me any advice at all. Right now I am avoiding grandma for this and various other reasons. :)
--- Quote ---I think it's natural that she wants to sit next to her.
--- End quote ---
Yep, you are right. I think the reason I wrote it with a sarcastic tone is because whenever she states that she wants to sit by her, I remember something that happened when my oldest was a baby. Mom was sitting next to my 6 month old baby and she had unbuckled the baby's car seat without knowing it (the 2 buckles were right next to each other). I found out when I stopped quickly and the car seat lurched forward. I don't know if you can imagine how I felt as a new mom with my precious child in danger. Anyways, it just scares me.
--- Quote ---I think it's all right when a grandparent or relative is childlike and playful with the kids. I do things with my nieces and nephews that are immature and sometimes subversive. But not to the point where I'm fomenting serious rebellion. I'm still supposed to be a role model.
--- End quote ---
I also agree with your first statement about being playful and childlike. My H's sis is the best at this. She is both of my girls' favorite aunt. She comes up with the best games, yet she doesn't let them get out of control. She sets limits. My mom does not.
I don't know if I adequately explained what happened that day at the restaurant. My daughter became a wild child and my husband and I were trying to eat dinner, feed the baby and deal with our wild 3 year old and my mother did not support that effort. The child needed to be removed from the restaurant because she was disturbing others and my mother was glad to take her for a walk around the hotel. I wasn't ecstatic with that because mom is so darn easily distracted and sometimes I actually wonder if she would let something happen to my baby just to hurt me. Again, no solid proof, just...a fear.
As long as I am at it I might as well finish the rest of the story...While they were gone, I took our 1 year old to the room for a diaper change and to nurse her and my husband stayed to pay the bill. He came back about 1/2 hour later with our 3 year old in tow and no mom. He told me that he requested that our daughter come back to the room and mom wanted to hang out with her longer and then take her back to the room. He said "no, I'll take her back now" and my mom went home in a huff. My husband has been described by many people as being a very mild mannered person. He is one of the most gentle men I have ever met and he is very respectful of others. I believe Mom just couldn't handle not getting her way.
Bunny, I am wondering about your use of the term "subversive". That implies to me that you are undermining the parent's authority to the children. I am struggling with that...is that what you meant?
I am understanding about relatives being more lenient with my kids. I am sure that my SIL lets them stay up a little later, or gives them an extra serving of dessert or lets them watch an extra tv show while we are gone. I totally understand that, heck, I do it sometimes. Having said that, I really think that allowing them to draw with a marker on a person is not acceptable. It is allowing her to disrespect another person's body...and a 3 year old has a hard time saying to herself, oh it is ok to draw on grandma but noone else. No she just decides that it is ok to draw on anyone. Makes my job much harder.
Thank you for sharing your reactions to my statements. It is very helpful because I find myself looking a little deeper at what I am saying and what is really driving my words. It helps me learn more about me and get to know you a bit more. :D
Have a great night!
Learning:
Hi Seeker!
I love the way you write. You have such a nice way of saying things and you are always so supportive. I have to tell you that at the end of my previous thread I found myself afraid of you. Wierd huh? It's just that you seem so supportive, knowledgable and caring and I just don't know what to do with that. I have this feeling that you will find out that I am really a big jerk and then you won't want anything to do with me. So I pull away. This is a pattern in my life I think.
OK I am really tired and now I am just spilling out thoughts. :shock: I hope you don't mind.
--- Quote ---One last thing. Just because the Ns in your life haven't committed any crime recently doesn't mean the pattern of behavior has changed. It just means that they haven't had the opportunity. We can forgive the past, but that doesn't mean we have to give erring people more opportunities in the future to hurt us. Snakes are not good or bad, they are snakes, doing what snakes do. A rabbit finds it wise to keep some distance.
--- End quote ---
Thank you for that reminder. I am trying to hold on to that. With my dad, I am getting to be pretty solid with that. My mom...confusion and doubt still sets in. I will say that something inside me clicked a couple of months ago when she was trying to make me feel guilty about something. Now, I really can't stand the thought of speaking with her. This is new, because I use to seek out her advice even though I knew it was a bad idea. So I think I am on the right road. I am looking forward to working with a therapist to further help me.
Take care Seeker!
Anonymous:
Learning,
Your mother seems inadequate to care for young children. She can't be unsupervised with them. It's up to you whether or not to even give her access to them. She seems like a bad influence and irresponsible.
Your husband is GREAT for removing his daughter from the irresponsible grandmother. Kudos to him.
I don't tell children to go against their parents but if they question their parents' behavior, I don't necessarily side with the parents. I may take the kid's side. For instance, the little girl told me that her father embarrassed her. I said, "Wow, he shouldn't embarrass you." She also said he broke a promise to her. I said, "He should not do that. Go tell him that it upset you." And she did just that. Maybe this isn't subversive, but hey, I think the film Mary Poppins is subversive. I wouldn't let a child write on me with a magic marker. I let them do other things that their parents would frown on, like jumping on a bed or something.
bunny
write:
I just read this:
You can not allow anyone abusive to care for your children! I don't care who they are, how they are related and what they will say about it. Abusive people hurt children and there is NO excuse that will ever make it okay. At this terrible point in your family life, I would investigate all my options with every bit of energy I could muster. I'd get the women's shelter to tell me about each and every program that is available for woman in your circumstance and I wouldn't stop looking until I found someone who could help me!!!
You are alone in your recognition of the damage being done to your kids. You are the healthiest person in the group and it falls on your shoulders to find a way to get help. I know this is scary and very hard, but the welfare of your children depends on the actions you take now.
A relative of mine was abusive. During her last visit here she was abusive to our kids a couple times. She has a way of blaming the child and having no tolerance for emotional upsets. As you well know, there are times when kids are weepy or short tempered and it's frustrating but you get through it.
This relative encouraged my son to join her in ridiculing my 5 year old for still having an occasional bottle. They were calling her a "baby" and she was crying. I quickly comforted her and my relative scoffed at me and told me I was encouraging her to remain a baby by coddling her. She told me, "She’s ridiculous!" Well I told her in a calm matter of fact way that a rule in our house is that we don't call names NO MATTER WHAT. She argued against this, of course, so I simply repeated myself. I won't have her teaching my kids to feel ashamed and afraid of who they are because she thinks they should be different from how they are.
I didn't even try to explain that name calling is hurtful and teaches kids nothing constructive. I did explain to my child that when this woman was little people called her names and she never learned that it isn't okay. I wanted to explain it somehow. I guess my point here is that folks who abuse aren't going to change overnight. And, the pain they cause us and our kids is real. Your husband is helping to perpetuate abuse and is abusing both you and the kids by not opening his eyes to what is going on in his home and what he himself says and does. It would be good to start to get resources, information, support.
In this mess someone has to have the welfare of the kids in mind and that someone is YOU!!! There are resources. There must be a way.
from http://www.verbalabuse.com/4c.shtml ( Patricia Evans site )
I'm currently not happy with the way n h is addressing my son & calling it discipline.
The lines I underlined sort-of jumped out at me, I'm getting this too.
Portia:
Hiya Write,
--- Quote ---I'm currently not happy with the way n h is addressing my son & calling it discipline.
--- End quote ---
Do you want to talk about the specifics? Want some second opinions? …P
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