Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
What to do, what to do?????
Anonymous:
--- Quote ---A relative of mine was abusive. During her last visit here she was abusive to our kids a couple times. She has a way of blaming the child and having no tolerance for emotional upsets. As you well know, there are times when kids are weepy or short tempered and it's frustrating but you get through it.
This relative encouraged my son to join her in ridiculing my 5 year old for still having an occasional bottle. They were calling her a "baby" and she was crying. I quickly comforted her and my relative scoffed at me and told me I was encouraging her to remain a baby by coddling her. She told me, "She’s ridiculous!" Well I told her in a calm matter of fact way that a rule in our house is that we don't call names NO MATTER WHAT. She argued against this, of course, so I simply repeated myself. I won't have her teaching my kids to feel ashamed and afraid of who they are because she thinks they should be different from how they are.
--- End quote ---
Agreed. I am horrified when an adult tells a child how to feel, how not to feel, calls a child names (including "spoiled"), and rationalizes it by saying it's for the child's own good. I will even take a child aside afterward and say, "Let's run away from ______(name of relative)." I don't care who it is. I don't teach children disrespect, but I will tell them that it's okay to run away from a mean grownup and go to another room.
bunny
Anonymous:
Hey everybody,
It sounds like you are all describing my NSIL to a tee! She did all those things to my kids: namecalling, shaming, denying feelings of the child, blaming, and not supervising adequately. I had the feeling that she would allow young children in her "supervision" to run onto the freeway and then blame it on the child for not listening to her or not asking permission first...She got angry with me for not allowing my kids to sleep over at her house when she invited them over and over and over. She accused another family member of not trusting her and he replied: "That's right! I don't trust you!"
Say Learning, boy, I don't think I've ever inspired fear in anyone before...relax, we all have ugly feelings and we can use this board to get some of it out. Snakes put that venom in our system and we have to get that poison out sometimes. I've been having some pretty nasty thoughts about my dad recently and, of course, loads of guilt about it. It comes with the ACON territory.
The only thing that is out-of-bounds on this board is directly attacking another member for their feelings or thoughts. That's it. Also, there are some really great articles on the difference between healthy anger and destructive anger. I once saw a helpful grid and looked again for it, but now it is lost in cyberland. It helped me to know that my anger is OK to feel and I can learn how to express it better.
Take care everyone, Seeker
Learning:
Hi Write,
Boy it has taken me a long time to respond to your posts, sorry about that. Thanks for the link about the Ideal Solution belief. I definetly recognize some of that thinking from my past. I think I have mostly moved away from this thinking now. Although, one thing I have found in my healing is that it isn't like an on/off switch. I find myself regressing at times and that used to bother me. Now I am trying to accept that as well. I am trying to allow my feelings to have their space, to give them a voice and then to take a look at them. I love this board because it helps me do that. I love that it has the added bonus of having others who are detached (and supportive) to give me their feedback.
Write, I have not read everything you have written on this board, but I have seen bits and pieces. I think you must be going through a really hard time with your H and all. I just want to tell you that I am really sorry that you have to experience this. I also want to say that your courage is inspiring. Your effort towards protecting your children is wonderful. I often think what it would have been like to have a mom who worked to change our situation and to protect me and my sisters. I think my inner belief system and self-esteem would be much healthier. Your children will have that. Bless you!!!!!!!!
--- Quote ---You can not allow anyone abusive to care for your children!
Well I told her in a calm matter of fact way that a rule in our house is that we don't call names NO MATTER WHAT.
--- End quote ---
Thank you for that!! I have been really focused on these two ideas since my children were born. Lately, I have been feeling insecure about this because I have been given the message from my N parents that I am too rigid. Actually, both my extended family and my H's extended family love to name call. AArrghh!!! It is like part of the culture. Sometimes I feel so isolated in my quest to have my children treated with respect (of course this may just be my perception). But your post and everyone's responses has refueled me to stand my ground on this. THANK YOU!
Write, like Portia, I am also interested in hearing what is happening with your H and your son if you feel like sharing it.
Best Wishes!
Learning:
Dawning,
I don't know how I missed your post. I just saw it! I'm sorry about that.
--- Quote ---With self-awareness comes this: feelings do not lie. Trust your feelings. Has anyone else had a rough time of it getting in touch with your physical feelings, say, of dread? I think I got used to mine for a long time - having been taught in childhood that they weren't important. Over the past several months, I am letting them come up and recognizing that they are clues to what is really going on with my thinking about something. I base more of my decisions these days on what my body is telling me. I think intuition and feelings are linked in a really important way. A realization for me.
--- End quote ---
Dawning, I love that about feelings don't lie. I don't think I have quite "owned" it yet. I mentioned to Write that I am trying to give these feelings space to play out anyways. It is a concious effort. I have also realized that I have a hard time staying connected to any strong physical feelings. Strong feelings of dread, anger or joy make me feel very uncomfortable and I want to move away from them. The other thing I find interesting is that the time I feel most dread is when I am in that stage of half-asleep, just waking up. I mean not all the time, but sometimes I can feel so disorientated and just filled with dread. Does that ever happen to you?
Take Care!
Learning:
Michelle,
I laughed so hard when I read your stories about your mom!!! :lol: I could totally see my mom saying those things. She is always diagnosing everyone based on her "expert" knowledge. And I could totally relate to the matter of fact way your mom says things. It is as if you cannot argue. It just is the way she says it is. And why do they always think we will be "happy" when they are suffering?
--- Quote ---
However, I also feel that some of the things he gives me actually "increases" my capacity to handle things for the future.
He is my only consistent source of stability and strength. In a weird way, my religious beliefs have actually been part of what has kept me "chained" to my family. My counselor is a christian counselor and she has shown me the error of my beliefs in those ways. It has been eye-opening.
--- End quote ---
Michelle, I also believe that the tests that God gives us are given to develop us spiritually. I believe that because it makes sense to me and because the great prophets of the world teach it. And there are times when I really own it within me and I can gather strength from it to do really positive things in my life. Then there are other times, like now, when my anger overwhelms me (and I guess I feel a little sorry for myself) and I have a hard time connecting to this belief. That is when it is important to hear people like you reflecting the same belief. I feel the burden lifting slightly as I write this. Thanks!
I am glad that your counselor has offered you a different way at looking at religious teachings to apply to the abuse you have suffered. I have also had people along the way redirect my thinking about spirituality and my understanding of how God expects me to interact with others. The biggest thing for me has been learning that it is correct to walk away from people who are habitually abusive.
Thank you for your great support and sharing! Your positive attitude is infectuous!
Take Care![/quote]
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