Hi Gratitude:
You beat me to it! But thanks sooooo much for starting this thread. It is something I really struggle with. It sounds like you have a quasi-relationship at least with your dad although I'm sure your Nmom makes even that difficult.
I also have an Nmom (and Nsister) and a dad who is extremely, extremely co-dependent. As I have learned about the NPD, I have also come to realize what part he has played in our family dysfunction and just how co-dependent he is. My dad, although he will claim to high heaven that he loves all his children, really has no adult kind of a relationship with any of his children. He is united with my Nmom in her abuse (emotional and psychological) when it comes to my brother and I. Because my Nmom essentially only has interest in and interaction with my Nsister, my dad too follows along. He is like a puppy dog that way. His only interest in life is to make sure my mom is happy and gets whatever she wants.
Once, and only once, my brother and I convinced my dad to come to a therapy appointment with me. Previous to that I had written him a letter and asked him (in a very non-confrontational manner) to explain his decisions to me and to tell me when he first noticed my depression, etc. He refused to even acknowledge the letter. In therapy, he basically told the doctor he "doesn't beleive in that (therapy) sort of thing." He reiterated to her that he loves all of his children "equally" but when the doctor questioned why he spends no time with two of his three children, he just said, "he has no choice."
Maybe it's laziness. Maybe it's the fact that my dad grew up in hard circumstances himself with no father (his died when he was 2) and a very, very "strong" and controlling mother. Shoot, maybe he married a version of his mother. But in either case, he does nothing to foster a one-on-one relationship with any of his children. No letters. No phone calls. No dad/daughter or dad/son outings or lunches (unless we initiate it). No discussion of our lives, interests or problems. Repeatedly when my mom has shown her overpowerng emotional abuse towards me, he never will stand up for me. I asked him that very question in the letter I wrote him but he never acknowledged it. He claims that no one ever gives him credit for all the "good" things he does. Like my mother, these "things" fall into the category of basics---such as providing food, clothing and shelter or doing things like making sure the cars are maintained. All very good things to be sure. But to me that's not a parent.
My dad is not good at coping with serious problems at all. He literally will not have a conversation with you about anything important, let alone about my Nmom and Nsister. He just fosters the idea that my Nmom is "perfect" and that no matter what she wants, everyone should do it. His belief that everything in our family would be fine if only my brother and I went along with whatever my Nmom and Nsister want. He quite literally waits by the door for my mom to come home when she's out. If they are discussing something and my mom disagrees with him, he will immediately change his tune and side with her. He won't make any decision (and I do mean any) without consulting my mom first. In the past, I have repeatedly asked my dad to join me on outings or trips but he refuses.
My parents have one grandchild whom they claim to love with all their heart. Yet, because of my mom, they rarely, rarely see her or talk to her (only if my brother initiates an invitation). They live five minutes away from their granddaughter but never call her, never visit her, never invite her for a sleepover, never offer to take her anywhere. My dad adores children, but small children. Once they reach that age of 6 or so where they begin to exert their independence and no longer want to just sit and cuddle with "grandpa", then he has no use for them.
Soo, I ask you how do you deal with this kind of parent? On the one hand, I try to understand that he comes from a difficult childhood with no father figure. On the other hand, I can't understand his behavior since it is just human nature or common sense (at least to me) that a father would want a relationship with his children, adult or otherwise. As I've mentioned in other posts, because of my evil Nsister and her abusive behaviors, my Nmom opted to side with her. Since then, my parents only spend their time with her and have all but ignored my brother and I. I know deep down that my dad believes this to be wrong. But he will not do anything about it.
I complained once to a therapist about this and she told me, "How can you expect your dad to stand up for you when he won't stand up for himself?" I guess I know that to be true. But it so saddens me. The therapist asked me how I felt when I see my dad behaving in this way. I told her, it just makes me feel sad, amazed, hurt, angry and embarrassed for him. He is literally like a trained puppy dog whose only purpose in life is to provide my mom with what she needs. The really sad thing (although not surprising) is that my mom has always treated my dad poorly. She has never, never shown him any affection. She criticizes him and demeans him every chance she gets. She has no respect for him whatsoever. He is getting on in years and is experiencing the typical pains and what not. Yet, she never offers any support or help. She never goes with him to the doctor. She is typical N but it is really painful.
So, I guess my point in this is that not only do you lose the Nparent, but you lose the non-N parent as well. In my opinion, in order to stay in a marriage or relationsihp long term with an N person, the other person has to be very co-dependent or lacking in self esteem. Otherwise, it would be like oil and water. They just couldn't co-exist. The reason the N can get away with all her evil behaviors is because there is a co-dependent (like my dad) there to enable her.
In other posts there, I've read how the N parent sometimes will do a 180 when the child refuses to go along with it or stands up to her. That works as long as there is no one else there to enable her. However, in my house, that will never be the case. I have a very co-dependent dad and an N sister who will always be there to provide my Nmom with all the narcissistic supply she craves. It seems like it's truly a no-win situation.
It is really painful when I realize that I don't have anyone I can talk over serious situations with, to get advice, or to take an interest in me. I often wish I was the priority for at least one of my parents. But that's not the case. When I stand up to my Nmom's ways, I know I will be totally alone in it. My dad will continue to stand by her side and support her. You can't even have an adult conversation with him about it. He won't discuss it.
Anyway, that' s my story. I really don't know what you are supposed to do in a situation like this. Sometimes I feel real anger at my dad because I believe that the co-dependent at least knows what he's doing. The co-dependent, in my opinion, knows what he is doing is wrong and that others are being hurt by it, but he just won't stop. Fear and his codependency guides his every move.
What saddens me is that it has become obvious that my dad has no need whatsoever for a close relationship with his children. I really don't understand that. Isn't that human nature to want to be close to your kids? Even if you had a lousy childhood yourself, wouldn't you be able to see what makes a good parent and a bad one?
I'd sure love to hear how others deal with their non-N parent and what kind of relationshp they have.
Thanks again Gratitude. This is a very important thread for me.
