HELP! H is pushing for counseling--should I go to keep peace?

[DivineSunshine]

Hi all!


I have been back in my home from a shelter about a week now.  My husband who fought me hard and long seems to be playing the sympathy card now and has emailed me and told me he was in the doctors because he misses the kids so much it hurts!   Won't tell me what happened though.  But I didn't really ask.

Then he says, he has a referral from his doctor for a counselor.  He has been insisting I am depressed and need a counselor for years.  I know he wants to bring me in to prove I am the "problem".  No way buddy!  I won't fight himas in argue or stupid details, my only interest would be a safe place to tell him the truth about what an ass he has been over the years.  For the childrens sake!   I feel though I am walking into an ambush.  I emailed him last week about a counselor and he ignored it.  He is definitely trying to control me again.  I also don't really like that he will know I will be away from home for a while.  He does not associate with very nice people who might try to break and enter to find "dirt" on me or harrass the older kids when they arrive from school.

Of course, in his Nism, he set the appointment right during a time when I will have to find sitters for the kids and someone who can be at the house to protect them while I am gone and they are getting home from schools since I do have a protective order against him.  I just don't like it, but I struggle since he will try to accuse me of not trying to solve the problems.  I want to tell him some things, but you never know what kind of counselor you will get and am very very wary.

Any ideas?  My appointment is in about two hours. 

Thanks.

Sunny

[JanetLG]

Sunny,

How dare he 'set' an appointment so quickly, without discussing whether or not you can arrange to meet up then, whether you even want to go...! What was his doctor thinking of, to allow counselling to be arranged without consulting both of you! Aarrgghh!! Oh, it all makes me so angry!

To be honest, I wouldn't go. He is railroading you into going to a counsellor of HIS choosing. As you say, when you suggested a counsellor of YOUR choosing, he ignored it.

Could you ring the counsellor he wants you to meet, during the appointment time period, just to say that you aren't going to turn up, just so that you can put your point of view directly to him (without your H being able to hear what you're saying)?

Whatever you do, whether you turn up or not, he will always blame you for 'not trying to sort out the problems', IMO. If it isn't this showdown, it'll be another one, later.

Sorry this is such a mess, and so little time to get it sorted, too.


Janet

[Ami]

Dear Sunny,
  I don't trust him,at all.I would have a contingency plan for leaving ( ready at all times). I hate to say this(ICKK) but O.J. Smpson went back with Nicole many times.( and he was really nice ,too)
   I think you said that he was a sociopath. If so, you have to be very,very very careful Sunny.
   N's are bad--but sociopaths make N's look wonderful. Be careful, Sunny               Love  Ami

[axa]

Sunny,

This is the guy you had to leave your home for, take your kids to a shelter because of the danger you and the kids were in?  And you are wondering if you should go to see a counsellor with him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Take care of you and the kids,

axa

[CB123]

Sunny,

Don't do it.

If he was serious about "getting help" for you, he wouldnt have scheduled an appt for you with so little notice.  I also am worried about him getting you out of the house while the kids are home.  Who can you find that will protect your kids in your absence the way that you would?

If you do anything--tell him that you agree with the need for a counselor and that you will find one on your own and get the "help" you need.  And you will invite him to participate when you and the counselor feel it is advisable.  This is a marathon, not a sprint.  What's the rush????

Anyway, I hope you will resist this ploy.  You don't have to prove anything to anyone.  If the court wants to see you get counseling or evaluation, TRUST ME, they'll tell you. 

Please, please be careful.

Love
CB

[Leah]

Hello (((( Sunny ))))

Janet has superbly expressed my initial thoughts regarding the 'rush' to get to the counsellors - today! right now!

My feeling and concern for you is that most likely is an hidden agenda of some kind.

Once again, a person's choice is not being considered by a doctor.

When will they ever learn - or think!

It certainly does feel that you are being 'railroaded'

You mentioned that you have been in a 'shelter' - is there a Restraining Order in place?

My gut feeling is saying to me out loud NO don't do it.

Thinking of you Sunny.

Love,

Leah

[DivineSunshine]

OK!!!

I KNEW  I COULD COUNT ON YOU GUYS!! 

I know it was a stupid question, but I thought maybe it would look like I was trying to NOT be a Bit** if I went  -----or I had something to hide if I didn't show. 

Sometimes he still does this to me.  Well, he tries all the time, but I only almost fall for it once in a while.  Thanks for the reality-check!   I needed it.

 I have already cancelled babysitter for the little one and will be here as usual to protect the kids when they return from school.  Whew, that was close!    Yes, I do have a restraining/protective order in place and he is still causing problems with that by pretending he does not remember clearly what the judge said.

I can't believe, (but I CAN) that he is pulling the doctor visit baloney on me.  Even my daughter kinda giggled (she is 15).  Alluding to a anxiety attack or something. 

After he had his tirade and vengeance for a few days, he now is trying all the tears and guilt trips he can at court and emails to see the kids and I finally just told him(as nicely as possible), LOOK they are NOT emotionally ready to see YOU!  As much as YOU want to see them! 

They don't want their minds messed with any more either and have NOT asked to see him.  Of course, his Nism had not clued in on that important part of the equation yet!    And all of a sudden he figured it out and now is saying he cares about their feelings above all.........funny I had to give him a hint first!  N-upid N-idiot! !!!

Thanks all!  Wow you are all awesome as usual!

xox
Sunny

 

[axa]

Sunny,

My take is when they are being "reasonable" that is the time to be most careful.  It is easy to forget what you are dealing with especially when they press your buttons about "trying to sort things out".  I wasted a year of my life with Xn because he wanted to work out our relationship.........SUPPLY SUPPLY SUPPLY.

We all slip at times, don't worry be armoured.

axa

[jillebean]

If I'm not to late.... Please don't go!  If you're concerned about how it looks, you could fax a copy of protective order to the therapist's office????  Please know that in domestic violence situations your primary goal should be safety for you and your children.  Personal experience.....

peace...
jill

[Hopalong]

Brilliant idea, Jillie...

If you're concerned about how it looks, you could fax a copy of protective order to the therapist's office????

Just a little note to that counselor, "I am sorry I won't be able to attend, but contact is not possible due to our legal situation."

Bravo to you, Sunny.
Stay safe.

That is the only job you have.
love,
Hops

[lighter]

Thank God you got good advice, Sun.

Remain professional and elusive.  You shouldn't even have contact via e mail, IMO.

A TPO should state what the conditions are..... how many feet away, etc.

You need to be there to protect the children. 

You don't need to go engage your H in a battle of wits.

For no good reason.

Only to take steps backwards and waste money.

You're done.....? 

Your'e done. ::nod::

That's it, now stick to the plan.

BTW.... what's the plan: )?

[DivineSunshine]

yup---DONE!  For some reason I wish to prove I am not crazy as he has been alleging.

AND I really want for him to see his selfish rotten behavior so he will not torment the kids when he sees them, eventually.  I know it is almost impossible but I can't help but feel I need to try for their sake, but realize that might be dreaming big time!

Sunny

[Ami]

Dear Sunny
  It is too bad that all our wanting can not change a sociopaths or an N's behavior.(Sigh.) We all have tried so hard for so long.Your situation sounds like it could be dangerous if you don;t face the truth, though.
  I think that you are not 'allowed' the luxury '"of fantasy with your type of guy.I am really sorry,Sunny.     love   Ami

((((((((((((((((((((Sunny)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))00

[Bella_French]

Dear DivineSunshine,

I'm so glad you didn't go!  It really did sound like a setup and a way to get it on tehr ecord that you're `so crazy you needed to see a psychologist'. My ex-N did the same kind of thing. He called it `couple's councilling' and arranged it all, but then he didn't show up! For years afterwards he told family and friends that I had so many issues that i needed therapy and not to believe anything I said. The sad thing is, people believed him and shunned me when we broke up.

I think this sort of thing is more dangerous in your situation, because of the legal ramifications and potential future custody battles. Somehow he'd try use your visit to see a psychologist against you in the courts.

I'd say only go to counseling for you (if you want to) and keep it private.

X Bella

[Iphi]

Whew I am just reading this now and glad you didn't go.  Good for you!