At this point, I am trying figure out what boundaries to erect. I am trying not to get sucked in and trying to deal with the old emotions (guilt, outrage, responsibility to comply) with my new emotions and attitudes. (not really caring, recognizing the letter is about her, detachment). I can see what my mil is trying to do. Sometimes, I am amazed at how blind she makes herself. So much of her behavior astonishes me. Mostly, I am concerned that my H sees what is going on. He is so used to not looking and not asking, that he rarely sees anything but what she wants him to see. I feel that it is hard to tell when he is literally seeing a problem or just saying what I want to hear. He avoids. He has spent his life in avoiding behaviors feelings, and thoughts. Sometimes I know he avoids me too.
Right now, I feel pain. My bil and his wife are having twins. It is a miracle because he has CF. So, everyone is so excited. Over the months, we have called their house and sent email trying to show interest and enthusiastic support. Most were ignored. We found out they were "boys" from a family group sheet we got in the mail. I finally got one email telling us that they wanted to keep their experience private and weren't sharing it with everyone and that was why they weren't responding. But then his dad tells me all the details and how the family is all involved and having all this fun and his mother pours on the guilt because we are not participating and supporting. We sent a gift two weeks ago (their due date is in about 4 weeks) and I sent another email expressing excitement and support. Both were unanswered. It feels like they blame us for starting all the probs, and reject us when we try to make things better and punish us for not doing exactly what they want.
I am not a malicious person and I feel completely powerless in this situation. No one in the family talks directly to us.....if they do, they argue and refuse to really listen.. If we say, "hey, what you did kinda hurt." They say, "How dare you see it that way. It is all you." We don't get anywhere. They get most of their information from MIL and think it is reliable and when we refute it, they say we aren't being truthful. And now, I don't know if we are doing NC or sort of NC because my H hasn't decided what he wants. Most of the time, he is just trying to figure out how he feels and then avoiding it cause it is too hard and confusing. And it really is too hard and confusing. I agree. I just don't know what to do about it. He doesn't communicated with them.....sometimes I see opportunities missed because of the silence. But maybe that is best. I just don't know.
I am so torn and wound up about this family. They do so many hurtful things and then either say we deserve it or deny it. And when I reach out in loving ways, they bat it away and reject me. It is hard when I don't feel my H is able to see it or empathize with how I feel. He says that he is sorry, but that he just doesn't feel any defensive feelings at all. He just says, "they don't get it" and we don't talk about it again.
Well, it all hurts so badly. I feel like I need more boundaries with everyone so that I am not hurt by all that is happening. Right now, I am so sad because I can't share the joy of the twins. But it is clear we are not welcome. Yet, we are punished for not showing up. :::Shaking head::::: And I know that my Mil will use the letter as evidence that she is loving and everyone will support her and use that against me. I am so used to the drill. I can see it all coming......if I re-engage with them in any degree.
So, my goals now, are to figure out how not to get swept into all of it. And trying to decide what boundaries I need to erect and enforce. I am practicing emotional NC.....but somedays I am not very good at it.
CP, sounds like you went through some really similar things. You must have gotton over some big hurdles to make you feel good about staying.
Pops
