Hello CP, Lighter, Bean, and Bella,
This is an interesting two months. I knew I was in so much pain. My insides were telling me the situation was crazy. My situation was telling me that I was crazy.
I have to remind myself that it has only been two or three months since I even learned what N was. So, to expect that my H can jump to light speed is just rediculous.
I think that the answer is within me. The more responsibility I am willing to take about my situation the better. I am realizing how my thinking keeps me in vicitm mode.
Lighter,
When I am with my H, my boundaries go away. I so wish I had understood what N was earlier.....I could have protected myself a little better. Anyway, I think what was different, was that I felt so free. It was the first time I acted for myself. I set boundaries and I felt so good about it. The codep and enmeshment went away. When he came back, I felt all that ability to see and orient and breath went back to fog. I talk a lot about the "whys" with my T and that helps that she understands. Yes, I think that I do put those obligations in place. I am not sure I see it clearly yet, But I try to challenge what I am aware of. I am now trying to build my own life apart from my H. It is a very intimidating experience. But even in the saying of that I don't recognize myself. I used to be such a go getter. I have been praying that God would help me bring back those parts of me that seem to have faded away.
I can see that I need to take more responsibility for my life and my happiness. And I am feeling more hope in the possibilities. You give me strength, Lighter. Not to be gushy, but I put your strong voice in my back pocket when I go out and am not feeling too confident. I pretend that I have that confidence too!! Acting 'as if' really helps. I am trying to meet people. It is really hard to connect with people. I don't know what it is. But I am tryin' babe, I'm trying. I will get some traction here soon!!! :::wishin' and a hopin':::
My mil and fil just left the house. We were putting in our sod yesterday and today and they showed up to help. My H didn't really want them to come but his father was so hurt --- so he said yes. After they were gone, my H laid down on the bed and said, "Oh my Gosh! My mom is such an N!" He doesn't want to see them again for a long while. I am breathing relief.
Bean, I wish I could sit down with your sil. How does she handle stuff? She probably doesn't cave like I do. Correction....did! I am really trying to let go of so many little, subtle destructive beliefs I have picked up along the way. I am putting my trust in God to help me with all of it.
Who was it that posted that list of dysfunctional family traits? I passed it along to my H and he was amazed. Almost every one fit his family. Really good for him to see.
Love much,
Poppyseed
