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N vs. Culture

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write:
I deleted the original post I wrote about narcissism and culture because I realised

1. I was over-generalising ( I hadn't met more than a handful of people from the cultures I was writing about )

and 2. when I read it back it was offensive and could easily have been (mis)interpreted as racism.

It's not that I am afraid to speak my mind, but particularly here- no. People come here to feel understood and accepted and I would hate to take that from anyone by making assumptions or being tactless.

I think it's fine for people to talk about their own cultural experiences and I can take something from that.

October:
Do you have a garden?  Have you ever noticed that the weeds seem to grow strongest right next to a plant??  This is because they hide behind the plant while they are small, and you can't see that they are there, until all of a sudden, there is this foot high weed staring you in the face.

I have also tried the cultural approach to justifying my parents' behaviour, because they are from a background, with its own strong value systems which would be similar in many ways to those of a collective (ie non individualistic) society such as in China.  They both come from small coal mining villages, where the tradition is mutual support, very highly defined sexual roles and a very conservative approach to change.

If you then plant an N family in this kind of culture, and compare it with the culture outside the family system, there are differences, but like with the weed, it can look the same as the plant next to it for a long time.
Collective cultures focus on benefitting everyone, which is a good theory.  The downside is loss of individuality and privacy.  The upside is that when you need help and support, there it is.  Everyone supports those who are weakest.

If you look at N behaviours, they are very happy with the loss of individuality bit, and buy that one very happily - for you.  But you find that where the help and support bit comes in, is where they leave by the back door as rapidly as they can.   :lol:

The N version of collective culture works as long as you are the supplier and they are the ones in need.  If you ever try to change that, you will find that they can't do it.  However much you need love and support, you will still owe them, and they will still be looking for you to supply their needs.

Look at your Chinese friends, and your extended family.  Do their mothers behave as yours does??  That may help you to see that this is not a cultural problem.

Cathy

(Quote edited, because original post changed.  Didn't want to leave bits that you preferred omitted.  xx)

October:

--- Quote from: Portia ---Cathy, thank you for posting, your posts are great
--- End quote ---


Thanks.   :oops:

Not as confident as I sometimes sound.

(((((Hugs)))))

Cathy

Portia:
(((((((((Cathy)))))))))
You sound very knowledgeable. I keep learning. And your insights are helping. And I can hear you now :D I wonder why you were quiet before? Perhaps there wasn't enough space, room, quietness on the board before. I like it now. I hope you do too. It is great to hear you. Now I hope you don't feel embarrassed, because I mean it and you're okay. Now that's enough from me, I'm embarrassing myself!  :roll: Pull myself together. I'm genuinely happy to hear you, that's all. :D P

Edit in P.S. Claris, sorry for hijacking your thread like this, I hope you'll come back to us...
Cathy, I’ve been reading old posts and you sound good now. Your post about shame was fantastic. (Yeah, what do I know? I know about some stuff but I didn’t know about that!) Did you attend the winter-time event? I know that’s a prying question so I’m sorry if I’m out of order here. But I wondered and if you want to talk about it or not. And now I know what Rob meant when he mentioned witchcraft recently. Yeah - you should put ‘evil old witch’ on her tombstone, but you’ll have to bury her in unconsecrated ground!

On the shame theme, that’s what that woman did to our group on page 1 here, shamed us all with her superior, very PC attitude. She was just using PCness to be superior and as with most things, intention is everything I guess. Oh and I hope I didn’t upset anyone here by using that phrase because I didn’t intend to...  :roll: P

Anonymous:

--- Quote from: October ---

Look at your Chinese friends, and your extended family.  Do their mothers behave as yours does??  That may help you to see that this is not a cultural problem.

--- End quote ---


Agreed Cathy. My neighbours are not N, my friends parents are not N and I have met and worked with people from more deprived background, even with people who can't read or write, and imo they are not N

But my Dad is !

What gets me is how much cultural protection he gets ! That has to go ! I have been to see doctors in India for depression issues.. they never bothered to help me. I was very pressurised when I was in my teens.. I had compulsive behaviour which was getting awkward. My parents even though they knew it very well supressed it and kept it under cover. My teachers knew it in school, how did they help ? My relatives knew my Dad is abusive and my mom is a walking zombie, did any one of them come out to help me ?

Why ? It is culturally wrong ! and I will hate it cos I am a victim of the system. Oh yes people do 'care' for others and it  looks like 'collective responsibility' in such cultures but that is not the case. 'Care' is to make me fit in and deny all forms of 'deviation' and my anxieties, my tense relationship with my parents etc were ' cultural deviation' and hence it was me who was asked to compromise myself for the sake of society.

Things are changing though and I am doing something constructive for a change, hopefully more and more people will  be doing the same ( but in their own known ways and beliefs ).. wish they would come out more and break that abusive jinx !

spirit

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