Do you have a garden? Have you ever noticed that the weeds seem to grow strongest right next to a plant?? This is because they hide behind the plant while they are small, and you can't see that they are there, until all of a sudden, there is this foot high weed staring you in the face.
I have also tried the cultural approach to justifying my parents' behaviour, because they are from a background, with its own strong value systems which would be similar in many ways to those of a collective (ie non individualistic) society such as in China. They both come from small coal mining villages, where the tradition is mutual support, very highly defined sexual roles and a very conservative approach to change.
If you then plant an N family in this kind of culture, and compare it with the culture outside the family system, there are differences, but like with the weed, it can look the same as the plant next to it for a long time.
Collective cultures focus on benefitting everyone, which is a good theory. The downside is loss of individuality and privacy. The upside is that when you need help and support, there it is. Everyone supports those who are weakest.
If you look at N behaviours, they are very happy with the loss of individuality bit, and buy that one very happily - for you. But you find that where the help and support bit comes in, is where they leave by the back door as rapidly as they can.
The N version of collective culture works as long as you are the supplier and they are the ones in need. If you
ever try to change that, you will find that they can't do it. However much you need love and support, you will still owe them, and they will still be looking for you to supply their needs.
Look at your Chinese friends, and your extended family. Do their mothers behave as yours does?? That may help you to see that this is not a cultural problem.
Cathy
(Quote edited, because original post changed. Didn't want to leave bits that you preferred omitted. xx)
