BETR4 's Story

[Ami]

Dear BR,
  Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so glad that you are here andthat you found us and we found you. Thank you for all the insightful and kind posts that you write. I really appreciate your voice, BR.                     Love   Ami


((((((((((((((((((BR))))))))))))))))

[betr4]

Thank you Ami,
I  love being heard.  I find this board easier to share and express how I feel.  Validation and affirmation.
I have so many unexpressed thoughts and so many experiences that I have stuffed for so long that, at this point, I am still unable to put it all into words.  I know that eventually through a process it will all come out.
You and others here are such a blessing to be able to listen and care.
It is very heartwarming.  And I have been looking for somewhere to put all this for a long time. 
Being surrounded with people who are supportive here helps the feelings and words flow.
Much gratitude, BR

[Ami]

Dear Betsy,
  I jst read your last post. I can so relate. The N is my mother. It is horrible. I am at a similar place to you,I think.
  Today,I felt like the pain was so bad that I would break. Only God kept me going .  I have had many 'miracles"in my life. I think that God sees us suffering .. He provides for us- His  poor, abandoned children.
  Betsy, keep writing.I think that you are "right at home" on the board.
                                         Love  Ami

(((((((((((((((Betsy)))))))))))))))))))

[betr4]

Ami,
yes, I am totally "at home" here.  I am already feeling so much better and sharing my thoughts, getting them out with others here is really helping me to move forward in recovery.
It is a relief to feel better.
Thanks, BR

[Ami]

Dear    Betsy,
  I just read your two new entries. We are going through a similar situation-. Mine is with my M. I have been in denial about NPD. It took me a year on the board to really come out of denial.   The love of friends on the board was a crucial ingredient in the healing that I have had, so far.
  I share the way that you do--- very deeply --b/c  the pain is very deep.My "happy' ending with my M is that all of the pain forced me to humble myself and "find" God.
  I know that I never would have without the degree of pain that I had. I would have gone my "own' way.That  fact helps me to not think that I "wasted" my life. I believe that we have 'eternal "life so this life being wasted is not as"bad" as if I felt like it was all there was.
  If I had to look back and think that i wasted this much of life and it was all I had,I think that I would still be in denial b/c it would be too pitiful to face.
  That is how I see it anyway. Keep sharing and letting the pain go-----just as you are .       Love   Ami
(((((((((((((Betsy)))))))))))))))))))
 

[betr4]

Thank you Ami.
I lived with the mother and husband with many of the identical behaviors.
The result for me was the pain, anger, denial. 
Distance from both of them at the present is really clarifying things for me.  I have mixed thoughts and emotions.   Trying to really see my part.

I did make others my source of happiness or pain.  I eventually without realizing it made my h the source of my pain or happiness. 

I can see that I  gave in, had weak boundaries and wanted him to be okay.  I believed every lie and was so used every time, for years.  All the while I functioned as I had been taught and I carried the pain and anger and waited.  (Carried that dead carcus around everywhere I went).
I was exhausted, but I carried it well.) 

I did not know how sick his behaviors were.  I denied, excused, explained, cried, talked, stuffed, prayed, all the while focused on him and he was living his life doing what he knew to do and it had very little to do with me and our home and children.

I expected a lot from him and he did not have it to give. 

I have been through his crashes a few times.  What I found out about that is that when he crashes, it has nothing to do with me either.  But he did change behaviors and become a wonderful husband and father.  For a while then, the old ways came back, worse and it all started over again.

I have to see my life like you said, as more that the marriage.  I have to conciously think about the life I did have and my 2 daughters'  lives.  There was a lot of good, I just went through it in the grief of this marriage.

I don't have regrets, but I do have a willingness to make something good out of it, however that may be.  And sharing here I think is a good thing. 

For myself I gain strength and perspective by reading others' sharing here and telling my story. 

This morning my thoughts centered around the positive side of my life.  I could think of all the character assets I have and have used through the years.  I used to think negatively and see my assets diminished like I was told about myself.

I listed lots of positives about my character and really lots came to the surface.

I am looking to my character assets for today and using them to make a better day for me today and investing in me, today.  Then I am responsible for my own feelings and the results of this day.

Thanks for listening and sharing.
BR

[Ami]

Dear Betsy,,
  I just read your last two new entries.. I was writing in a journal ,today. What you wrote in your entries reminded me of what I concluded at the end of writing in the journal.
 I gave up my "care for myself" . I put it in other people's and in various  situation's hands. So, I was empty and "yearning".I was not really "codependent" until I was 14. Then,I thought that s/thing outside myself would define me. It could be the school I went to, clothes, relationships etc. It doesn't even matter what it is. This is the core problem that I see now. It is wanting the outside to "tell me " finally that I really am O.K. and to take away this core of shame.
  It never has worked even when I got what I thought I wanted. This is the root that I need to work on,now. I see this as the root for you too,( from reading your posts)you seem to be saying the same thing(if I am reading you right)
  Trying to get the outside to meet your needs failed. You tried with parents , husband, and other things and now you see that the root is still there. You(I) have not defined ourselves to ourselves.
  If I have interpreted your posts in the wrong way, forgive me and send what does not fit to our favorite compost heap.                    Love Ami