Why? Deliberately annoying behavior & gets angry when called on it

[Confounded]

It has its ups and downs.  The standing on one's foot was just hypothetical, and example of showing how he can't fathom being at fault.  I stay because when it's good it's very good, and when it's bad I can ignore him.  I became WAY too entwined with him.  I allowed too much of my own energy to be diverted into his strange behaviors, which I have difficulty understanding.  It isn't good for me, and it's boring.

Thank you all for helping me understand better.  It is clear to me that although he has control over his actions, his perceptions can only vary within a narrow range.  If one can never be at fault, then the whole universe must be viewed through is distorted lense. 

It's a set of problems.  Everyone has his or her own set.  I know that I will sound jaded when I say this, but having observed other husbands, having been privy to the circumstances of many divorces, etc., I think that this is a set of problems that I can live with.  Compared to my first marriage, in which I constantly wondered what was going on (his high hours didn't make sense with his low earnings), this is easy (X is a lawyer, and I learned after years of wondering what the heck was going on that often when he said he was going to a client meeting, it was really just a date with a woman he'd wanted to bed).  (Yuck.)

I got all the marbles when I got divorced.  Don't worry about me.  I'm okay.  Just trying to understand.  I don't like being perplexed.  Nobody does.   

[Hopalong]

I think one result of having N parents, and all the emotional chaos that causes, is that as adults it can drive one wacky to have people not make sense.

Whereas contentedly centered people with sound loving childhoods will see perplexing behavior and go, ha, that's odd, I don't get it...and then just go think about something else. They may not have so much of their peace of mind invested in other people not being perplexing. Whereas for Nsurvivors, perplexing may have threatening echoes of...oh god, if I can't understand or anticipate or analyse this, there will be some Nish thing happen that will be awful.

Make any sense? I just made it up.

Hops

[mudpuppy]

The standing on one's foot was just hypothetical, and example of showing how he can't fathom being at fault.

Yeah, I was using it as a metaphor too. But it goes beyond not just admitting fault. It is a metaphor for how they control others.  It's not just obliviousness; it's how they manipulate those around them.

mud

[finding peace]

Hi Confounded,

I had a very abusive childhood so maybe my take on physical violence is a little stronger, but I have to say (and I say this with gentle intent and with the utmost respect for the situation you are in [I know it is hard]) - if a person is violent towards me once - they are done.  That door is slammed shut – never, ever to be opened again.

Tough question coming and no offense intended, just an observation from the outside looking in (always easier - eh?): 

What are the benefits of staying with him if I may ask? 

Do you love him so much that you are willing to risk your physical safety - not to mention sacrifice your metal and emotional stability as a result of the daily barrage of emotionally cruelty - and that is what it boils down to, emotional cruelty. 

In many ways I think the sly acts of emotional abuse - the ones that you can't quite put your finger on (those acts that you question – is this really abusive?) are the worst types of abuse to live through. 

This type of behaviour IS abusive.  However, because you can’t quite put your finger on it, and you want to be fair and honorable to the person (not to mention you care for them and hope it isn’t true), the behavior continues unchecked, or only mildly checked when it should be stopped completely.  Over time, one’s sense of self is eroded away by doubt.  Once that begins to happen, the pattern of emotional abuse worsens, because they get away with more and more. 

Some of the “lucky” ones wake up one day and say – Wait.  What happened? Where have I gone?  Who am I?  What have I become?  And then begins the long arduous (at least IME) of rebuilding that sense of self to what it should be.  This kind of behaviour takes a tremendous toll - and can be extremely difficult to overcome.  (From one who knows )

Life is too short to waste one second of it with someone who treats you less than the beautiful, remarkable person that you are - especially when there is strong evidence that he won't/can't change.


Just my 0.02.

Much love to you,
Peace

On edit:  I am sorry Confounded.  I read through the posts prior to posting but for some reason your Post # 32 was not appearing prior to my posting.  I just saw it, and see why you stay.  Please compost (as Ami says) whatever I have said that doesn't fit.

[Ami]

Dear Peace,
  I was very impressed with your strength which was shown so clearly in this last post. WOW----you  "convicted " me, as they say in religious circles.
  I was not physically abused. I did not realize that I was emotionally abused until recently. It really is a drip,drip erosion of your esteem and precious trust in yourself. I really see myself as a "bombed out wasteland". However,I see that I can build from the ground floor up.
  What hit me so strongly in your post was that I "married" the same emotional climate  as  with my M. I,also, had the same financial climate as my home. I was well provided for as a child. I did not think that you could be abused if you were well provided for. I thought that I was 'exaggerating".
  In my marriage,I thought the same thing.
  What is really hitting me is how my marriage was a continuation of the drip, drip erosion of self as  in my childhood.
  My H saw an NPD father and an abused M. They had material things.also.
  My H wants to repeat HIS FOO with me-----ARRRGH.
  So, my role is ----- the abused wife. He, subconsciously, wants me to play it. I, always did. However, now I am stepping back and seeing that I have a core that is important to honor.
  IF I don't honor it,I will be emotionally, mentally or physically ill or all three( which I was). I saw today that it is a choice NOT to honor it, too.if I do nothing and stay abused,I am making a choice,by default--bleh.
  So, I can chose which way to go.
 Boy, did I ever repeat.
 What scared me was a guy that I almost had an affair with. He turned out to be worse(much) than my H. I think that he was a sociopath. So, I moved down, rather than up---bleh.
  I left the relationship when I found the board.I realized that he was "blaming " me for not "getting over my M". I realized that I would never get better with this. I did not realize that he was a sociopath until I read the book that Storm recommended about sociopaths in every day life.
  My gut used to scream at me about this guy. However,I did listen when it came right down to it b/c he really scared me(down deep) and I never really commited to him in any real way b/c of my gut feelings.
  My point is that you, Peace, made wonderful choices not to be abused ,again. I made the same choice as what I grew up with. However,I feel hopeful that I can change. The first step for me was realizing that I was not alone.You and Janet were the first people who showed me that I was not alone. I will be forever garteful to you, Peace.  I feel hopeful.             Love   Ami