Bit my aunt's head off

[Overcomer]

I was telling my aunt and mom that I was worried about my daughter's cheer competition.  My aunt said that soon all will play real sports and they will not need cheerleaders.  I said "do not let my girls hear you say  that cheerleading is  not a  sport.  We talked a minute or two longer and my aunt said she never said  that cheerleading is not a sport.  I blew up.  I SAID "YOU DID TOO-NOT TWO MINUTES AGO!"  This is a small example of how my mom's family DENIES anything rather  than admit wrong.

[Overcomer]

I am just sick of my mom and her sister re writing history.  My mom is so guilty of it but I was just floored how my aunt could state something as fact and then when I called her on it she denied it.

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
  It is so frustrating. I am so sorry. I really am. How they do it,I don't know. It takes nerve to be such a blatant liar that the "normal" person just does not have.                                Love   Ami


((((((((((((((((Kelly-very frustrated))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[lighter]

I'm not sure whether it's more upsetting when I have to listen to the nutsey re writing of history.... or when I lose it and let'em have it: /

What happened after you let her have it? 

[Overcomer]

Well good for me that I called her on it but bad that I snipped at her.  She is so hypersensitive that she got up and left and I ended up apologizing to her.  Then I asked my mom if she felt I had snapped and my mom said she is so used to my rudeness that she did not notice.  I told her I just want people to mean what they say and to stop back peddling.  I told her I want peoples yeas to be yeas and nays to be nays.  She said some expected thing like "maybe people do not mean what they say." 

[Overcomer]

So it is ok to call my new boyfriend "whats his name" rather than approve of his very existance by remembering his name and calling him it.  (She did that to my H when I first started dating him and my mom was still trying to fix my former alcoholic boyfriend)  We made our bookkeeper assistant manager and she denied having said that so I produced the memo and she said "Oh I didnt mean that."  That stuff happens ALL the time.  No one feels safe.  We thought of having mom sign and date minutes.

[lighter]

Ick, that sounds so Alice In Dysfunctionl Wonderland......

I don't even know what to say, Overcomer.


Everyone saying cruel stupid things then denying it and when there's proof they say they didn't mean it, or were joking, no doubt. 

Backing each other up.....


I guess you could just be dismissive of everything they say and start calling them "the little idiots" bc they have no control over their thoughts or tongues.  Treat them with empathy and kindness..... bc they're not capable of forming a lucid thought and sticking to it.

Maybe they'd start paying more attention to what comes out of their mouths?

I know that doesn't sound nice and isn't a very viable solution but.... hey.... it's all I got right now: /

[reallyME]

OC, I can relate to the frustration you felt over your aunt rewriting history.

There are quite a number of people in my life who do that.  They will either:

TOTALLY DENY:  "what?? I never said that"  or

ACT CONFUSED:  "huhhhhhhh? what are you talking about?"  or

MAKE EXCUSES:  "oh, I only said that because......"  or

PROJECT:  "you're the one who...................." or

JUSTIFY:  "I said that in order to ............................."  or

FORGET:  "huh?  I don't remember saying that."  or

BLAME IT ON ILLNESS, PAIN:  "I was so sick that day, honey...who knows WHAT I might have said?"

ANYTHING AT ALL JUST AS LONG AS THEY DO NOT HAVE TO ADMIT TO A FAULT OR TAKE THE BLAME

Granted, some people really are sick and have trouble remembering things, but you can generally tell if it's a pattern, that it is one...like my husband, stopping at green lights and then telling me "I anticipated it turning red soon" when he knows it just turned green a second ago.  Sorry but, it's called DEFENSE MECHANISMS..."uh oh, I did something dumb again and have to "save face"

It's annoying and aggravating and I HEAR YA, Overcomer!  I'm STILL trying to deal with the insanity of it too.

[Overcomer]

Thank God some people understand!  I thought I over reacted and I probably did a bit-BUT I just cannot stand this LYING!  That is what it is.  Saying something and then denying you said it is LYING.  The bookkeeper and I want to literally have my mom sign the minutes to our meetings so that if she starts back peddling we can show her what she said-but she will DENY DENY DENY.  And my aunt will just be defensive and THEN DENY!  Cannot stand this family legacy!

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
  The behavior you are describing in your aunt and M are classic signs of N, I think. My M lives and breathes lies and denying lies.
  It is so easy for them to talk their way out of anything. The worst thing is when I apologize after she has abused me, as you did. Talk about losing your core.
 I can see how what you are saying about their lies 'forces" you( a normal person) to deny your reality. They lie and they deny it. Then, they  act so pitiful or raging   that you deny what you "knew' was true. So, in the end ,you lose some more of your precious grip on reality.
 Does this make sense?                         Love   Ami
 

[Overcomer]

That is it.  All my life I have lived in a family which just "acts" normal.  It is as if we are Stepford Wives or something.  We go to my mom's house for Thanksgiving and we all act nicey nice.  My uncle's wife could not stand all the phoneyness so she would just leave and go read a book or something...we all have labelled her offensive and unstable.  Now I realize that she just refuses to play the family game.  She says "the emperor has no clothes!!" but we all look at her like SHE has the problem.

Now that I realize that these women are such phoneys and yet I am the one who is labelled offensive, etc. I just do not know what I am going to do.  I just wish I could have the perks I have in another job....or if these women would just leave.

If something happens and I become in charge, things will change.  First of all, aunt will NOT be in charge.  People will be held accountable.  I will demand people to be HONEST.  That is so important to me.  Even if you are honest to a fault, I would rather have that then be jerked around by living on shifting sands!

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
  You are kind of in the situation that I am in ---in my marriage. I think that we can use our energy to heal us. Your M won't be in the business ,forever. This may seem like a very silly "consolation".
 I remember the "shocked " feeling that I had when my FIL( the King of N's---not to diminish anyone else's N by the title KING)died. I remember thinking that a huge curse is no longer on this earth. I felt so free.
 Your M and Aunt will retire at some point.
  If you stay, it is good for you to express your feelings ,as you are. I am doing that with my H, also.  I am not ready to make any practical move other than to try to heal myself. How horrible would I feel if I got out of this and repeated. I need to heal . No one else can give me my core. That is a comfort to me. Maybe ,it will be some help to you.
Talking about it is important for your sanity, though.Keep talking and I will ,too            Love   Ami

[Overcomer]

I feel that way, too.  I am sick of my husband as well.  He would complain about his ex-wife always pressuring him.  He would complain about her complaining about him taking too long to do things.  Now I know what she means.  And I said to him today.....don't you think that you had two wives who think you take too long to do your projects................that that would reflect back on YOU?  Oh, no, it was that he married two impatient women.

We bought an unfinished armoire to save some money.  He told me it was a piece of cake to put stain on it and then to put polyurethane on it.  Well, we moved in on October 13 and he just put the stain on part of it yesterday.  Now his plan is to finish staining it next weekend and then to probably put the first coat of poly on the next weekend and then to put the final coat the weekend after that - meaning around Christmas.  Well, he put together this shelf.....it took approximately two weeks and it is still not finished.  I have put together a shelving unit and a bench (both of these were much harder than the shelving unit he has yet to finish (after three weeks.)  I got each one done in an hour to two hours..........so I just do not get this lolly gagging around and then getting angry with me when I ask "when do you think you will be done with the armoire?"

So I have this H that I really do not like, love or can barely tolerate.  I have this mother who I cannot stand and I have this aunt who is driving me crazy, too.  Her whole family is making me mad.  My cousin (her son) never answers his phone and never returns the calls.  You usually get "oh I got your call" the next time you see him.  It could be a month later......I remember when he and his wife moved to town.  I called and asked them to church.  No call.  No message.  So I called again and said "If you would just call me back - even if you want to say no - just so I will know."  No call.

So my aunt is defensive and stupid.  Her husband is lazy and worthless and her child will not answer the phone!!

No, I am not PMSing.  I am just pissed off at these people!!  I just want people to TRY.  I want people to be REAL!!

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
  I have looked so long to the outside to heal me. I have to look within b/c the outside (other people) are as bad (or worse) than I am.
  That is my new direction---to go within and find that core that is really me. I want to throw off all the shame that makes me "crazy" and be "normal". That is my goal----to resurrect my real self.
  I don't need my H or M to help me do it. I am happy about that.
                  Love  Ami

(((((((((((((((Kelly))))))))))))))))

[Overcomer]

You know-in the whole cycle of getting better it seems I am in a new stage.  That stage is that I am getting better so I am seeing faults in other people-but I am sure that my behavior towards them makes me look bad.  I just need to learn to be nice but I just have no patience with people who play life.  I want to live life.  I do not want to have to medicate myself or pretend to be something I am not.