Shame (letting it go) and Seeing the Truth of my M

[Ami]

These last few days, I have seen so many things.
First I started seeing how shame "operated". I know s/.one who accepts herself.  She accepts her feelings and thoughts w/out shaming and discounting herself.
  I look at her like you would an "animal in the zoo" b/c I have lived so long under this terrible  burden of shame. It is so heavy and oppressive like a huge blanket smothering me.
 I saw by looking at this girl that freedom would be simply being able to FEEL your feelings and THINK your thoughts without shame. What a feeling. It would be like a trip to an exotic island. It would be like basking in the sun. What would be better than to feel your own emotions and think your own thoughts without that shaming voice -telling and re-tellng you that you are worthless.?
 I am trying to separate my "real" core from this shame core .
   The other thing that I saw was how people try to control life so they can feel O.K.,inside. I saw from looking at this girl that I am trying to control so that  people  will "like" me.Then,  I won't  have to feel that core of shame tell me that I am worthless( for the moment until the next and the next time). I am always trying to out run the core of shame . I am always trying to "control" the outside so I can make that core of shame stop tormenting me.
  Then I saw the BIG one. I saw that my M was trying to control me so she would not have to feel shamed. When she came to visit, she was ashamed b/c my house was not organized and neat and what if people came over. I see that she is trying to control me so that HER voice of shame will "shut up"
  This was a big insight . .                           Love  Ami

[seasons]

Ami,
You express your innerself so vivid and beautiful.


I am always trying to out run the core of shame . I am always trying to "control" the outside so I can make that core of shame stop tormenting me.
It must be exhausting.
burden of shame. It is so heavy and oppressive like a huge blanket smothering me.You are working so hard. I hope very soon that blanket becomes so light it turns into a beautiful quilt of love that embraces and protects you. seasons

[Ami]

Dear Seasons,
  Thank you for those kind words. They mean so much to me.           Love   Ami

(((((((((((((((((Seasons))))))))))))))))))))

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  I am ,also, getting a glimpse in to the "real " me. I have lived so long with all the painful qualities  that I "forgot" that there are good ones, too.
  S/one gave me the sweetest compliment. They said that I was a "warm" person. This reminded me of how I was before my M got her actual "claws' in me( when I still realized that she was a fool and I was the  "normal" one )
   I was a warm person. I valued that quality about myself. I could make people feel at home and I liked that.
 I have lived in pain for so long  that I forgot about the unique qualities  in each of our cores.This is one of those moments that I wonder where did my "sanity" go? I have been so locked up in trying to wear a mask that it escaped me that I did not NEED a mask. My own core is good enough--- and much better than any mask.(Ding--light of "sense"  goes on)
 This is so obvious ,but I just "saw" it after so many years. . I could not see,until Lighter pointed it out, that OF COURSE  I would  not trust my H after he has betrayed me so many times. I was so set up not to trust myself that my H was convincing me that it was MY fault that I did not trust him--rather than HIS fault that he was abusive-bleh.My M is still doing this. She is blaming ME for not trusting her.I just bought a book, 'Stalking the Soul" that Axa recommended. It is about just this thing---- people taking away your reality and leaving you "barren" and lost.
  Thank God for the board. We can  help each other see our  blind spots.I have so many blind spots..However, I have seen a few big ones and I know that you ,on the board, will help to point out more(gently please--lol)
                                                    Love   Ami

((((((((((((((Amber))))))))))

[Poppy Seed]

Shunned,

I love seeing the game for what it is and then watching it lose its power.  That is a really big part of what has been happening to me these past months.  I am programmed to play the game and watch my impulses to do so daily.  But, I am stopping dead in my tracts and refusing to act in the old game playing ways.  I don't always know what to do next......but at least I am not making the same blind mistakes.

Ami, 

You still are warm.  Nothing changed.  Only the way you thought about things.  And your M can blame you all she wants.  But, it doesn't change who you are.  Not one little bit.  It can only change our thoughts.....if we let it......and that is painful.   And we become confused.  But, you are not so confused anymore.  And her blaming is having less and less of an effect upon you.  Her blaming really isn't about you.  My mil blames me every day....since the moment I met her.  My M has blamed me for all of our problems and still does.  I am learning that it really has nothing to do with me.  They don't really even see me.  So how could it be about me in the first place.  I can gently hand it back to them.  And see it as an expression of who they are.....not who I am.

We need a mantra that says, " NO!  Shame don't stick on me!"

Pops

[Ami]

Dear Poppy,
  Your words mean so much to me. I want to just be "me" after all this time of living in this 'borrowed monster suit". I know that you understand ,Poppy. It ain't Halloween ,anymore. We gotta shed the "suit " -Right?                                    Love    Ami
 
((((((((((((Poppy)))))))))))))

[betr4]

Ami,
My family deals with shame by massive denial and game playing. Flaws, mistakes, any thing wrong cannot be admitted in the perfect family system, so deny it and minimize it out of existence.  

Feelings and anything short of surface chit chat are outlawed.  If one has a problem, mistake or speaks of anything other than the illusion of the perfect family, that one is out.  That one is me in our family.  And my brother, who died 20 years ago while he was in exile from my parents because he had personal problems.  

One cousin told me that years ago they always referred to my mother as the one with rose colored glasses.  Always seeing things as perfect.

A flawed child with a perfectionist mother cannot exist.  That is what happened to me.  To this day.

My daughters play the game off and on until they burn out and then they keep a distance from my m.  But... never any mention of anything she does not want to hear.

It is amazing to listen to my family as they all avoid any real thought and this is how they relate to each other.  I am the one excluded because I cannot take it all with a grain of salt so to speak.  

So I found recovery where people get real and accept life and live more fully.  I think it is a matter of time for my daughter, I hope so that she will have to finally get real.

Relating on this board really is clarifying my thoughts and helping me deal with feelings of isolation and despair. Those feelings are not as frequent or near as horrible as they used to be.  I am so grateful for that.
BR

[Poppy Seed]

My suit is pretty much off.  I can lay it down now.  I don't need it.  Not sure why I needed it in the first place.  Probably because I believed cuz someone else said so.  And being compliant.....well, it is all history

Anyway, Now I am kinda standing hear nekked, though.  It is scary to step out in that state and not feel the coldness of the wind.  I am trying to find the clothes that fit and even wear a hat....on my sassy days.  And when no one is looking, dancing in the buff! (Figuritively speaking a'course.  Don't want to scare anyone).

Pops

[Ami]

Thanks Amber--That makes so much sense                        Love   Ami

[betr4]

From sharing on this board, I am finding that I have a part of me that I hid.  Not all of me.  The part that was ashamed.  I am being able to see that it was not all of me hiding in shame.
It is starting to make sense that the little girl who was shamed into silence needed lots of space and was scared, so the other part of me would have to wait for her to get over whatever hurt her at the time.
That part of me was always ashamed to let anyone know how she really felt.  She could not express it or she would get in trouble.
I really think that is how it is with me.  And I am able to let that shamed little scared girl talkd and feel.  And she is getting stronger and doesn't have to hid much anymore.
How does that sound to anyone who can relate.  I am not even afraid to hear the truth, from people I trust and can relate, anymore.  This makes sense to me now about my inner child who was scared and hiding.
BR

[Ami]

Dear Betsy,
 I think that the real us is under all that shame. We were forced to squish the real "us" down b/c we were shamed with statements like "Who do you think you are?".How could you feel THAT way?". What is wrong with you?" etc.So, we pushed that "bad" part of us away b/c it got us in too much' trouble (parents anger)"and it  hurt  too much emotionally. to be shamed. So, we developed a false self that would not get us  in so much trouble. It was "good" , "nice' and compliant.
  After living as this false self for a long time, we "think" that it is the "real "us. However,it hurts to be a false self.It feels numb and dead so we get addictions in order to feel. We get codependent so other people will tell us that we are O.K. We made the decision that we were NOT O.K. However,it hurts so much to feel that way about ourselves so we  want s/one to reassure us that we are O.K. That is  why we get codependent. We could no longer reassure ourselves that we were O..K..We need to go to the outside to "tell " us that we had an inherent worth.
  So ,now we don't know WHO we are . This is where we are when we find the board(often).Under all the shame is a beautiful person. This is how  the journey is evolving for me.                  Love  Ami

[Ami]

Today,I had a neat thing happened. I had an electrician over to do s/thing. I liked him. He had a "neat " feeling about him. After he was done, he sat down and we were talking about his divorce , dogs and Dr Schultz. Anyway, I had a sense in that moment of being the "real me"( the core me) and I felt whole and like I was making a "real". connection.
  It was just a moment,but life can be good if you can be 'real".
  It was just s/thing that I wanted to share with friends who would understand             Love   Ami

[Hopalong]

Hi Ami,
Your core is not solid like an eggplant or a kidney.

It's fluid like a thought.

I really believe it is about your thoughts.

xo,
Hops

[Ami]

Dear Hops,
  Could elaborate a little more.? I know that you are saying s/thing very profound for me. I would like to hear your perception in a little more detail, if you could be so kind .             Love   Ami

[Hopalong]

Sure, honey.

What I mean is sometimes you sound desperate to reach your "core" as though you're going to find a special kind of "thunk" with a prospecting tool while you're digging for treasure, and all of a sudden you'll break through and there it is. Almost physical...

I mean that I really truly believe that it's the way you talk to yourself, about yourself, that results in you not trusting that you have a fine, lively, vital, intelligent, full-of-promise and capable-of-happiness (okay, start with contentment, that's less triggery) self. You already have this capability.

It's a capability, not a static state. Your personality is in flux and that's okay. Your self-talk, and the language you use to form your thoughts about your pain and your hopes, are all what your core IS. You are MAKING your core as you speak to yourself.

So make it gently and thoughtfully and with as much care as you'd design self-esteem for Henrietta. One look at that old face and you KNOW she deserves to breathe and be loved, right?

Look in the mirror. Talk to her.

I like your IC work. Sometimes I've heard that literally finding an little-girl picture of yourself, posting it right by your bathroom mirror, and another by your bed in a sweet frame...helps. You can generate kinder more loving self-talk, imo, when you talk to her with compassion. Not victimhood, just love and compassion. Then in a while, try on some gentle humor.

At some point, the way you talk to yourself will open up, expand. You'll feel that your "core" is thoughts and feelings, and it grows more strong and happy as it expands. There's no hard kernel you have to protect. There are just new thoughts you need to make habitual. And I know you can. Are!

I'm sneaking this at work so it's not too well written, please tell me if you need me to be more articulate.

hugs to you,
Hops