Holiday Dread

[lighter]

Sun... Honestly, I'd rather eat a bug than go to a big social gathering when I'm depressed and struggling.

There's nothing wrong with taking some down time, crying when you feel like crying and sinking into the wonder that is escapism tv, and books, when you're feeling that way.

I just wanted you to be aware of how you really feel about Thanksgiving Dinner at your brother's house and what it means, to you and him, if you skip it.

::sigh::  ((Sun))  I hope you're feeling better soon.

[sunblue]

Hi Ami:

Please know that I am in no way angry at you.  I would be the first person to admit that it has taken me a long, long time to 'see" that things will not change in my family and to understand the "sickness" that is my Nmother and Nsister.  My "healthy" brother is one of those "tough love," "call it the way it is" type people and he is always and forever telling me that nothing's going to change so just accept it.  So I am not angry at all about your comments about denial.  I don't think I'm so much in denial as much as I am in a lot of pain and filled with loneliess and rejection.  Even when you see the dysfunction and narcissism in your loved ones, you can't help but still wonder why they chose the children they did or why they continue to do the things they do.  I think it's because their behavior is so inconceivable to most people.

I am just in an incredibly bad place in my life so the holidays just remind me of that.  As much as I dread the upcoming Christmas holidays, for me New Year's is even worse.  It reminds me of my bad situation and how last year I was in the same place with nothing to show for it and not much hope for anything better.  It is a really lonely time.  Add the Nfamily situation and clinical depression to that and sometimes it can be just overwhelming.

[Ami]

Dear Sun,
  The first step to healing is to accept exactly where we are. You were abused and rejected. It is not your fault that you FEEL abused, rejected and sad. I believe that we have to embrace the truth of where we are.
  W e need to talk about it as long as we need to. There is no time table to "getting over it". I want to hear you talk as long as you want and need to. That is the first step(IMO)
 You have a lot to grieve. S/times people "get over it" too fast and it is not a "real" healing.
  That is just my opinion.                     Love    Ami

[Ami]

I think that  big part of our depression around the holidays is our perception of other people's families. I really wonder if it is really that good in other people's families?
  I know that My M gave me such screwy expectations of other people(They were perfect and I was bad) that I really don't see life" right" at all.
   My next stage of growth is to face myself and to face life---as it is.I really don't quite know what that is ,yet. I am sure that I will find out just like I did with my M--bleh.                Love   Ami

[Poppy Seed]

Hugs and love to all!  Sun, a big one to you especially.

 I have nothing big to add other than to say, that this year, I hope it is a little different for us all.  Some gesture of friendship from an unplanned visitor.  Or some generous act of kindness that comes our way.  Too much sadness.....too much hurt.....has happened here.  I hope it can be different because WE are different.  We know our principles.  We know who we are dealing with.  We know the limits of all of it.  I think we can help ourselves through acceptance.  Let go of our expectations.....our comparisons.......our wishes that were never met........and just accept.  Live in the now.  Be grateful for the now and the blessings of today.....of THIS holiday season.  The beauty and benevolence of today.  Give ....... be grateful........and then give some more.  There is much joy to be found in lots of unexpected places.  Especially if it is the joy you give to another!  Joy that so desperately needs to be given.....even to those who deserve it the least! 

Happy Holidays!  It is happy!  We are not the people we used to be.  We are better.  And because of that.....life is better.  So don't let us feel sorry for ourselves.........well, maybe we need a little cry.....but then let's dry our eyes and appreciate what we do have!  And what we CAN do and CAN create.

Much love,
Poppy

[Leah]

Dear Poppy,

Thank you so much for your validating and very uplifting posting.

This Christmas, lots of little simple joyful things that I am planning to do with my time during the holdiay season.

Love,

Leah "no more tears"

[lighter]

MMMmm...

Shepherd's pie.

[wiltay]

Thanks so much, Poppy.  I can't tell you how much I always appreciate your words.  You are beautiful, gentle and wise.

Bill

[Hopalong]

Poppy, that was beautiful.
Thank you.

Made me want to cry though.
My D won't do Xmas, doesn't come home.
And my Nmother doesn't get joy.

So it really is a hard time.
But you remind me that if I want to make somebody ELSE happy, I sure can.
I've got other old people on my list...Nmom's old gentleman friend, for one.
He's 95 and we're his only "family" and I do care for him dearly. So I'll make sure he's with us.

I'm so glad you have that crowded bungalow, and the good sense to not do turkey!

love,
Hops

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  Thank you for your description of a 'normal" holiday. I have so many screwy perceptions of life. I really want to see the truth---in all situations.
                                                                                              Love  Ami

[changing]

The holidays in our society are merchant-driven. I love the idea of showing love freely, but hate the whole consumer trap.

When I was a child I was cruelly left out of much of the holiday scene.  I hate to see that even today, and sometimes round up people so we can provide gifts to the children of Skid Row, or the children of prisoners ( I haven't done anything this year- maybe I should contribute to the fund for the children of prisoners, but what they really need every year are drivers to bring the items- I don't think I can commit to that with everything that is going on) . These children are often completely left out of the holidays. I now know that the Christmas holidays were arbitraily and innacurately set at the time of the Roman Saturnalia, which featured feasts , drunken parties, etc . The lights and such do give a boost during the long dark nights, but they have little to do with Christmas, which should be in the spring. So I don't get too caught up in them, enjoy what I can, and try to ignore the horrific Christmas music blaring everywhere, especially cover versions of classic songs- Yucky. Every half-baked artist does a terrifyingly cheerful and disgustingly insincere Christmas album- Uggh.

Thanksgiving can be good, but our society mythologizes that also. Lobster was the main dish, I think. In fact, lobster was so plentiful in the early colonies that a law was passed that indentured servants could not be fed lobster more than a few times per week, as this was viewed as cruelty!!! e have so much to be thankful for, and so much reason to share with others who may not have all that they need.

Love,

Changing

[lighter]

. In fact, lobster was so plentiful in the early colonies that a law was passed that indentured servants could not be fed lobster more than a few times per week, as this was viewed as cruelty!!! e have so much to be thankful for, and so much reason to share with others who may not have all that they need.

Love,

Changing

Changing.... I so agree with the whole spririt of Christmas being lost in a consumer driven purchasing frenzy: / 

I wish I was brave enough to require my FOO particpate in some service driven activities.... or break off and leave them to their usual Christmas while I do other things with my children.

I just don't think I have the energy, right now.... to push it.

Maybe it'll come?

[Hopalong]

I figured out something in a worship associates meeting this week.
We were doing our usual circle check-in...so I explained that I
f***ing hate the holidays. Bit startling to say that, but both
ministers were as accepting as everybody else.

But once I said that little display...then a light went on.

I realized that my REAL goal is to be indifferent. And they
got it. And I spoke a little more about that.

My real goal, and I may be closer than I think, is to just have
an inner boundary, or inner business, or inner sense of well-
being, that recognizes that for me, the "obligatory" holiday
atmosphere is toxic and tedious and ultimately, boring.

(I am glad it's happy for many folks. That's great.)

So it's about detaching. Just not letting it have any more
space in my mind OR emotions that I feel like assigning.

La la la. Good books. DVDs on subjects I choose. Etc.

And my Jewish friends. Or Buddhists. Or general UUs who
don't get into it either. They're around, and all I have to
do is ask. Make an invitation of my own.

Lord, here is the evil thing. I can do all these things with
peace and grace, but not while my mother lives.

That's not a very Christmassy thing to say. But it's true.
(Meanwhile, I have the choice to detach from HER own
holidays wishes and yearnings. Be kind and give her a treat
or two, take her to hear some music if she's up to it, and
other than that, just let it go.)

Hops

[Leah]

The holidays in our society are merchant-driven. I love the idea of showing love freely, but hate the whole consumer trap.

When I was a child I was cruelly left out of much of the holiday scene.  I hate to see that even today, and sometimes round up people so we can provide gifts to the children of Skid Row, or the children of prisoners ( I haven't done anything this year- maybe I should contribute to the fund for the children of prisoners, but what they really need every year are drivers to bring the items- I don't think I can commit to that with everything that is going on) . These children are often completely left out of the holidays. I now know that the Christmas holidays were arbitraily and innacurately set at the time of the Roman Saturnalia, which featured feasts , drunken parties, etc . The lights and such do give a boost during the long dark nights, but they have little to do with Christmas, which should be in the spring. So I don't get too caught up in them, enjoy what I can, and try to ignore the horrific Christmas music blaring everywhere, especially cover versions of classic songs- Yucky. Every half-baked artist does a terrifyingly cheerful and disgustingly insincere Christmas album- Uggh.


Thanksgiving can be good, but our society mythologizes that also. Lobster was the main dish, I think. In fact, lobster was so plentiful in the early colonies that a law was passed that indentured servants could not be fed lobster more than a few times per week, as this was viewed as cruelty!!! e have so much to be thankful for, and so much reason to share with others who may not have all that they need.

Love,

Changing

Changing,

My sentiments too, though I deleted my much earlier post.

Christ was born in September, not on the day that the Roman's decided because they wanted to use the winter solstice feast day.

Once you dig for the truth, and find it, all becomes crystal clear with lots of lights switching on!!   

The crazy consumerism is appalling.  Busy time for debt counsellors in the New Year.

Love, Peace, Kindness and Compassion should be 365 days of the year ---- not just one day.

Love, Leah

... who celebrates the birth of Christ every day.

[Ami]

Dear Hops,
  Do you have "bad " associations with the holidays? What are they,if you care to say?              Ami