Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
I guess That's It
Anonymous:
Hi Surf,
I've also read Susan Forward and spiritual books like Thich Nat Hahn (sp?). They are an excellent foundation to work on ourselves for grounding and compassion. However, I never truly understood how to deal with my N mother (and other Ns and borderlines) until I studied psychology; specifically a theory called object relations. Here are some things that I will pass on to you.
1) Confronting a personality-disordered person with their behavior rarely leads to the hoped-for results. The PD person has serious cognitive (thought) processing problems fused with their emotional disorders. That means they aren't thinking logically, rationally, and don't draw the conclusions you'd like them to draw. A confrontation traumatizes, shames, and enrages them. So it doesn't work as a strategy to receive remorse or compassion from them. It causes them to regress instantly and viciously retaliate. They aren't able to make the links you want them to make (i.e., their abuse was wrong and had negative consequences, so they should repair the damage).
2) A personality-disordered person regresses at the drop of a hat. They won't announce that this is happening. You'll see it in their immature, irrational behavior. Your mother may turn very quickly into an angry 2 year old. This is why the confronting rarely works. They retreat into regressed states which are quite primitive. Not much can be done with a person in this state.
3) This is incredibly difficult to accept, because we want more than anything for the PD parent to recognize that their behavior was abusive; show remorse; make attempts to repair the damage. They usually are unable to do any of these things to the extent needed.
4) Telling her you love her every day is a far better strategy, but still won't lead to hoped-for results. It's good if you're okay with a teeny bit of improvement, but it won't lead to major improvement. The PD person's problems are simply too severe to be repaired this easily or simply. They also require intensive psychotherapy and medication (neither avenue is likely).
5) Understand that this is about her internal world of persecution, shame, trauma, self-hate, feeling like a helpless child, enraged, etc. etc. It's not about you, although you're the victim of all her nasty projections. We each have to decide how many projections we'll tolerate containing on behalf of an N parent. I'm still struggling with that one.
6) I can't remember if you're in therapy but it would really help for support and reality checks on her impairment.
bunny
Anonymous:
Bunny, this is great. Thanks. Yes, the saying "I Love You" did help a bit but obviously as you say it didn't lead to any major changes on her part. I'm glad I tried it in order for me to see that I clearly exhausted every possible avenue and found that I was not to blame and was not the bad child she had been trying to get me to believe I was. That was freeing for me.
The reference to the childish primitive defenses is very clarifying and helps me to depersonalize her behavior. What an impossible and heartbreaking thing to have to deal with !!@@!!
Thanks again. I was hoping Bunny you wold have some more follow up. Very helpful. Aloha Surf
mighty mouse:
Hi Bunny,
Thanks for your excellent post. This one is a real gem.
I tried for years to take the high road with NMom. But it was choking me to death emotionally. She was so toxic I always felt "less than" every time I even talked with her on the phone. So I now use subtle tactics to make sure she backs off of me and it's working to the extent that we really have hardly any contact and I like that. At least for now.
I used to tell her I loved her, but at some point in time it seemed like a lie and I felt kind of diminished for saying it.
Is there some point in time when one is further along in the process that they can speak to these Ns and really just not let it get to them or feel less than or actually feel sorry for them and be "above it all"?
Surf,
I thought I was going to lose some sibs for my stand, but fortunately the only sibling my Mom confides in is my NPD sis and we are estranged anyway. She obviously doesn't want the others to know about our falling out because at some level she knows they are on to her at least a bit. And she wants to look good to them. With the NPD sis, it doesn't matter because she(NPD sister) rages against me anyway. It would be interesting to be a dispassionate fly on that wall when they are talking about me..!
It seems that your siblings don't have the awareness that you do. Or maybe they are a bit like your Mom. I would ask myself if they are really a big loss. My Mom had perpetuated the "close family" myth for so long, it took me a while to figure out that we really weren't close at all (although I do like one or two pretty well even though we don't see each other much). I don't know why I didn't realize this earlier.
Do you live near the beach? I find water so comforting.
MM
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: mighty mouse ---I used to tell her I loved her, but at some point in time it seemed like a lie and I felt kind of diminished for saying it.
--- End quote ---
I don't use this strategy for this reason. I can't do it! I approximate it by being nice to her instead of telling her what I really think.
--- Quote from: mighty mouse ---Is there some point in time when one is further along in the process that they can speak to these Ns and really just not let it get to them or feel less than or actually feel sorry for them and be "above it all"?
--- End quote ---
I think we can diminish our strongest reaction to the N mother, but it's never going to be a matter of indifference or rising totally above it. I'm always going to see a therapist in order to deal with the relationship.
bunny
Anonymous:
Hi MM;
Yes, I live three blocks from the beach and am fortunate enough to have a beautiful state park nearby where I walk through the Ironwood grove to the beach as a nightly ritual. I live on the Oahu's North Shore and am very fortunate to have the lifestyle and country living to enjoy. Surfing too!!! Its really helped to offset the sadness and feeling of having had a fractured life growing up; and its no coincidence that its the furthest I can get from my family of origin and still be in the United States. Many of my friends and the people I meet who live here are rebels and runaways like me. We often understand each other pretty well. Have a good one. :)
Surf
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