Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
I guess That's It
surf14:
That was me again MM, I logged in but it didn't pick up my name. Surf
Singer:
--- Quote from: Anonymous ---I was wondering if you have ANY contact with your mom anymore and did you feel guilty for enforcing the boundaries which she couldn't accept which led to severed contact?
Thanks again so much guys! Any more thoughts are welcome.
:)
--- End quote ---
Hi Surf,
I'm struck over and over again by how similar the experiences of ACON's are. This is what has given me the most difficulty: My Nmother will not accept any boundaries on her behavior, which leads me to believe that she truly wants to severe contact with me, more so than the other way around.
However, to severe contact with her means severing contact with my brother and sister also, since they seem to want to ignore what's going on and react as we did as children, which is to let her vent her anger on whomever, and protect oneself . This grieves me more than severing contact with my mother, but it seems unavoidable.
Does there ever come a point where it makes more sense to abandon one's family of origin than to try to preserve it? My two daughters are young adults now. Their take on it is that everyone's family is screwed up and you just deal. They deal with it by avoiding contact with Grandma.
--- Quote ---I guess in terms of suffering being optional; perhaps its how long we choose to keep ourselves in the suffering zone after the fact that is the optional part.
--- End quote ---
I have a feeling that I'm pretty much the only one who's choosing to keep myself in the suffering zone. My mother's satisfied because everyone is at odds. My brother and sister are dealing in the same way they always have. My daughters are trying to make sense of things through logic. And I'm still hoping that Mom will someday approve of us all.
Funny thing is, I don't even want her love, I just don't want her to die claiming that I'm a total screw-up. Because if she says so, that would make it inescapably true. I think that's the REAL power of an NMother.
Singer
Anonymous:
Hi Singer;
Boy do I relate to the feelings you describe.
"Does there ever come a point where it makes more sense to abandon one's family of origin than to try to preserve it?"
I have been heavily involved with this thought for a long time. I am sure the answer is yes, it does make more sense to abandon one's family of origin if the state of dis-ease in that family threatens to sicken you and your current family. Actually if this is the case, abandoning that family of origin is imperative.
Because of your relationship with your brother and sister you stand to lose more than is reasonable if you choose to abandon that family. Do you feel that your siblings would not understand at all if you charted your own course away from your mother? Would there be a chance to retain relations with them but not your Mom?
"I have a feeling that I'm pretty much the only one who's choosing to keep myself in the suffering zone. "
Its so very hard to stop hoping they will just come to their senses and be normal like most other people, isn't it? It just seems so basic but they resist it like it was the plague. Incomprehansible!
Take care Singer. Surf
longtimelurker:
Hi,
one way of looking at leaving your family is this :-
if you still participating in a dysfunctional family you are still part of the problem. in a way you are supporting them and their way of dealing with things.
if anyone is to have a chance to understand themselves or to have that realisation that leads to change you can't support them or do anything for them.
a bit like an alcoholics loving spouse who supports him in all sorts of ways - but she's preventing him from following his own path - which one day may lead to resolution.
that's the kind of thing i've been thinking of lately - perhaps my thoughts didn't come across that clearly but i'm sure someone might be able to phrase it more succintly :)
I hope it adds to the discussion.
Anonymous:
Great thought Longtimelurker;
The realization of this enablement makes it important to leave and yet the sad realization is that the rest of the family won't understand and are even more likely to label your behavior as abandonment. Quite a burden to bear but not a reason not to interrupt the dynamic and withdraw. What's the difference? You're probably already thought of as the bad guy because your behavior breaks with the family code of conduct anyway.
Surf
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version