About 2 years ago I lost my voice. I would gag when I spoke and had difficulty swallowing. I had surgery to remove a small thyroid nodule but I still have on going problems. Since then I have been told I have muscle tension dysphonia of the throat (very tight muscles) and that I probably should never have had surgery but counselling would be a really good idea!
A psychologist suggested that I look on-line for information/support re: children of N mothers. How surprised I was to find this site, "Voicelessness"...
I am only beginning to understand the emotional and physical aspects of it all. As a child I spoke very little and my role in life was and has been to be an adoring audience to my mother. My mother was an only child of incredibly doting parents who entered her in a baby contest. She won and a great fuss was made about how she was 100%- perfect, not 99% no, 100% A family story we are all quite sick of but headline news in 1915/16! Whether this was the triggering event that made her who she is I don't know. At 91 she is still perfect. She needs constant attention and affection and crosses all boundaries to get it and always has. I struggle with many of the issues I've seen posted and have learned a lot from the kind and wise replies.
In some ways I think I was set up. I was told that I was the "loving, warm one" the one she loved, my brother and sister were distant and cold and her husband a drunk who wanted me aborted and so forth. I struggled with the way she touched me when I was young and I still struggle. Now I feel I need to tell her not to touch me there or like that but I think, how absurd, she's an old lady, my mother - which she will be sure to point out. I can hear it, " You are so sensitive, don't be such a moron, I'm your mother for g-sake." Sometimes I think maybe it's too late to say anything now but I don't think that's right either. I guess I don't want to trigger her sulking pouting hostile ways that can go on and on. I should have said something years ago instead of just freezing. She used to go after boyfriends when my sister and I were younger and has been out of bounds with my husband too. But her main target was and is me -"I've imprinted on you, nothing matters but you," she will say. I know I matter but not because she has ever been interested in me. At times she has behaved like a jilted lover and so jealous of any affection I might show others. When I was in my 20's (30 years ago)I tried to get to know my father and asked him out for a drink after work. My mother would not talk to me for weeks. When my sister got breast cancer my mother behaved in a very competitive way. My sister has taken a big step back. Well there is a lifetime of living to sort out here and I have gone on too long.'
I am gearing up to defend myself I guess - physically and in every other way. It's taken a long time to even come to this point. It seems cruel to be rejecting of an old( but very healthy) woman but I need to define some boundaries in a clear and non-hurtful way if possible. Need to find the words and the courage to deal fairly and honestly with this woman.
