Feeling sad

[axa]

The past few days have been very difficult for me.  I went for a reflexology session and it brought up all sorts of things for me, mostly sadness and hurt.  Somehow in all my rushing around and newness I thought I had moved passed this.  Part of me is doing just fine but I am so conscious of my sadness.  A lot of the material I am covering at college is about victims and survivors and it seems to be pressing buttons for me also. 

WHen I look at the sadness I have no sense of what it is about.  It certainly is not about not being with XN as I breath a sigh of relief everytime I think of this time last year and the madness I was locked into.  I feel very fragile and not sleeping again.  So much in my life is good, love my course, enjoying new friends, the challenge of reading in a new way but the sadness is there. 

I have been trying to work it out but failed and that is why I am here to see if I can get some help from you guys.  I have a real sense of loss and wonder is this more of the grieving for my daughter.  I had so little time to do this because XN took all my energy and of course everything was about him so I had no space or time for that. 

I am content on my own and don't feel able for a relationship so that is not an issue for me.  I don't feel lonely.  There is some residue anger lurking around the place.  Some of these feelings may be connected with the fact that I feel I wasted so much time with XN.  My gut told me in the beginning to get out and I did not listen and I think I am annoyed at that. 

Really not sure what else to say other than I feel sad.  Thankfully I am not depressed


axa

[changing]

Hello (((((Axa)))))-

Axa, you have made some very bold steps to get yourself in a healthier place in life. Some people busy themselves or create drama to try to avoid the inevitable sadness and mourning of people and events in their lives, especially the loss of a child. You are bravely facing and dealing with the losses instead, now that you have wrested yourself away from the grip of that N.

I hope that you give yourself the right to be sad and to mourn without self-reproach, as well as the right to live your new life in hope and expectation of the future, without guilt about the past. (((((Axa)))))

Love From Your Friend,

Changing

[Leah]

My gut told me in the beginning to get out and I did not listen and I think I am annoyed at that. 

Really not sure what else to say other than I feel sad.  Thankfully I am not depressed

Dear (((( Axa ))))

As Changing has mentioned, we really do need to mourn and grieve our loss, the what might have beens and could have beens, the hopes and dreams we had.  It's a process we go through with no time-line.

My gut told me in the beginning to get out and I did not listen and I think I am annoyed at that. 

Empathize, hear what you say and feel, as that was me too.  What I had to do in the end, was forgive myself!  Yes, forgive myself,
and mourn the loss of me during the years!  That could have been so very different.  Then came a peaceful serenity within.

Sadness comes at night, but then Gladness in the morning.  After the mourning. Tis' so true.

Just thought I would share with you.

Love & Hugs,

Leah

[lighter]

I can imagine there would be a sense of loss for all the time you lost with the XN. 

But it wasn't really wasted bc you learned something about the world and yourself..... that you must be very diligent or you'll wind up on that same path again.... even if it's a sidepath.

It's a very dicey thing and you have that knowledge now. You've grown through the N experience..... don't dwell on what you lost.

From where I sit.... and this is just a guess from far away.... I think you'll have some periodic grieving to do over your daughter.  There will be milestone missed and times of feeling the loss more keenly, though I know it's always there.  I give you the same advice I give everyone..... Cry, get in the shower and mourne loudly like a wounded animal.  It's Ok and you'll probably feel better when you step out of the shower.  (((Axa))  I'm so sorry you lost your child, though she wasn't small anymore, she's always going to be your child. 

And.... and this is a bit of a stretch but I'll put it out there..... the brush you had with XN and his daughter..... I think theres a space inside you/us/general that has yet to be filled with other things.

There must be some comfort in filling it with something self destructive and some part of us (the id maybe?) is craning it's neck to choose something self destructive.  I think it wants us to reach out and pick something unhealthy, exciting and...... yes, familiar.

Not sure what applies to you but that's what I see from this vantage.

Finding and getting involved with things that lift us up may not fill the empty space.... but it can make us so busy we don't have time to feel so sad and lost.... feel the empty space. 

That's usually when we're feeling strong enough to handle something destructive so..... just be aware of your boundaries and protecting them, no matter what.

This will pass.

[Ami]

Dear Axa,
 My take on it would be that you have deep unhealed feelings(maybe even from childhood) that are surfacing.Many people never face these deep patterns inside them and just keep "repeating" them in different "forms"
  I say that b/c we all have them --not specifically to your case. The fact that you did not listen to your intuition with your relationship with the N has happened to all of us,I would think.
  That "voice "is still in you and will guide you the 'right" way ,now. You know how it feels to "oppose" it. Now, you can listen and go "with " it.
 For me the book,"Healing your Aloneness' was one of the most powerful books that I ever read.I "touched'" those deep, raw feelings that "drive" you in to unhealthy relationships and behavior.
 Once you face them and release them, they evaporate like "ghosts'.
  That is how I see "true' healing. Compost what does not fit. So nice to "hear" from you again. Love   Ami

[Hopalong]

Dear Axa,

I would love to sit with you on a quiet afternoon and share some strong herb tea, and watch wind move some branches.

Sometimes there is nothing more to say. Just: see. The tree, how it moves in the wind.

Bending. As our hearts do.

I send you love, and hope that you'll stay very aware of how the minefield is ahead.
The holidays.
Every sadness.
Wrapped in a bow.

We need our sisters.
Your darling child is loving you always, wanting your peace.
I believe that.

love
Hops