I've been in a year long relationship with a man I believe to be an N - just like my mother. I've been trying to break up with him for months, managed to move out of his house last month, but am somehow back with him - I get sucked in by his affection and the sweet kind things he does for me, trying to bring me back - then am devastated by his brutal criticism of me and how he wants me to change. I am certain that we are not meant to be together, but want to be "nice" and when I try to leave I get called back. He tells me that my "walking away" from our issues is the most destructive thing in the world for him and that we need to work through this, that We have a great deal to learn from each other - or at least I do from him....
I feel like he'll only let me go if he's the one that breaks up with me, but I don't know how to manipulate the situation, and I actually fear his anger and sadly, I feel responsible for him and don't want to hurt him.
I'm tired of hearing that I hurt him all the time, that I'm uncaring and tough and that I have intimacy issues and that I just need to let all of my walls down so that we can be more intimate with eachother - it just doesn't seem safe to let any more walls down than I already have.
I can't honestly tell how much of my reaction is to him and how much of it is reaction to my mother and to my absentee father who I didn't meet until I was 27.
There are many issues here - am I running away from a good relationship that feels bad or choosing to leave a bad relationship that has a few good aspects ?
Good relationships don't include daily arguments and constant misunderstandings, right ? Occasional discussions and disagreements are OK in my book, but feeling constantly "unheard" isn't right. Is this my problem and am I going to have this problem with anyone I try to have a relationship with, or is it true that he's the wrong person for me to be with ?
I was in a relationship with an incredibly kind man for 11 years, but we didn't push eachother to growth or communication, everything was fairly on the surface. What is right ? Or is it yet another thing ? Openess to discussion and a safe place to discuss and express ideas seems like a dream to me. Is there a textbook description of a "good and healthy" relationship ? How do children of Ns grow into being capable of healty relationships ?
Thank you all in advance for your support and insight !
