Snooping----why?---looking for me?

[isittoolate]

snoopy me!

I began snooping when I was very young. My mother had a storage room in the old farm house just full of boxes and papers, I used to go in there alone and look at everything. I could read but I was 7 or under at this place.  I have no idea what I was looking for, but I saw her diplomas and report cards and stuff I didn’t recognize. I not only went in there once, I did it regularly,

When we moved to the next place the overflow was in the attic. I spent so much time in there looking through everything and still have no idea why I did this. I went in there regularly too. It’s almost, like before, I might have missed something. I was always alone.

Then my paternal Grandmother became ill with cancer and sold her house etc. but some things came to the farm and into the attic. I was in my glory looking through more and more things and found a book I absolutely loved: ‘Beautiful Joe: The Autobiography of a Dog’. Much of her stuff was old. At this time she gave each of us girls (4) a wall hanging. I forget what my brother received. These were beautiful: framed and paper on the back------OMG. There might be something between the painting and the paper, so I ripped it to pieces. Nothing there.

I’ve already mentioned about having to share a room with my mother, while the other 3 girls shared a room. I always knew when something was happening and would go snooping when I had a chance. I found out about Kotex and belts and periods (some things hidden under the mattress, but the box was in the closet.) I also found True Confession Magazines and the like, and thought they were true to life stories. I sneaked them to read when I knew I could (I told this to a sales clerk the other day when I was buying murder DVDs when  I said I never bought Romance…………….. She said, “ OMG Your mother must have had an awful time sorting you out.” I said, “She didn’t sort me out”. She said. “Well then you must have had an awful time sorting yourself out!!)

I wonder what I was looking for.

When Joe and I were living together, I cleaned the place every day. It was all my furniture and he brought just his personal things, one of which was a beautiful men’s jewelry box. Every time I dusted his dresser, I went through the box--that’s every day. There were a couple of old watches and some religious items, his mother’s rosary--nothing changed, but I still looked every day

The thought came to me that I might be looking for who I was?

ashamed ??????
Izzy


[attachment deleted by admin]

[changing]

Izzy,  You Rock!!! I say bully for you and your snooping!!!!

Love,

Changing

[Hopalong]

Fizzy Izz...

You have MANY
partners
in
"crime"

I think curious sensitive smart children who aren't being dealt with fairly, honestly or realistically often become obsessive detectives. Makes perfect sense to me.

(The diaphragm was a particularly fascinating discovery.    And love letters. I remember feeling a sense of relief when I found a couple of love letters from my dad to my mom. Maybe I had thought there wasn't a real connection between them...I don't know. But I remember reading some sweet letter that made me realize that no matter how I felt about my mother, there was a romance that was real to them.)

hugs
Hops

[isittoolate]

OMG
changing and Hops

Do you mean I have been feeling guilty for 'trespassing' for about 62 years, only to find out now that I am not alone in my snooping?????

I cannot believe it! Well yes I can cuz you two said so. It was all right!

I wonder if I have some other childhood things that I've 'kept secret', and they are just normal

Oh I know what..............................

I was normal, you know the saying....it was the rest of them who were nuts.

Love Izzy



[attachment deleted by admin]

[changing]

Wow Izzy- that's some squirrel!
And yes, you were very normal- abnormally normal given the circumstances that you were in.

Love,

Changing

[lighter]

Izzy, seems to me you suspected you were adopted, maybe?

I'm not surprised that you were inquisitive and trying to figure your family out.

It didn't make a lot of sense, did it?

[Leah]

Dear Izzy,

Absolutely love your dry wit and sense of humour   

Piccy with you and the bag is something I would do (similar to what I have done! with paper bag) 

  Laughing here 

But seriously though, the snooping, would most definitely be NORMAL given your family dynamics.

As for Lighter's suggestion, interesting, because for a long time I had thoughts of having been an 'adopted' child

or a child that was 'dumped' on their doorstep!  True.

And, in recent years, two other people (one male and one female) openly shared that they had had the exact same thoughts too.

Thanks for bringing your thoughts and 'snoopiness' out into the open here.

Love & Hugs,

Leah


Edit:  'Identity' is a vast issue is it not?  Wonder if we were searching for our 'Identity' ??

[Overcomer]

I do the same and so does my mom.  I wonder if it is a boundary thing?  I snoop online too.  I know how much everyone paid for their house.  I know who got divorced and who declared bankruptcy.  I know who is getting married.  I found out my daughter was drinking last year because of my space.  My mom comes over and starts looking through bills.  She found my birth control pills when I was a teenager and they were NOT hidden in plain sight.  I do not know.  What do you think-knowledge is power?

[Leah]

I do the same and so does my mom.  I wonder if it is a boundary thing?  I snoop online too.  I know how much everyone paid for their house.  I know who got divorced and who declared bankruptcy.  I know who is getting married.  I found out my daughter was drinking last year because of my space.  My mom comes over and starts looking through bills.  She found my birth control pills when I was a teenager and they were NOT hidden in plain sight.  I do not know.  What do you think-knowledge is power?

Oh no, not that kind of snooping --- merely searching, as a child, with an otherwise unknown reason or purpose.

Hoping to find an answer to something missing.

Thoughts of being adopted, or dumped on parents doorstep --- that kind of thing.

Just remembered the reactions from both parents when, on the rare occasion, I had courage to ask questions about them.

Interesting that I should recall that at this stage in my journey, and quite fascinating too, in a sense.

Love, Leah

[Ami]

What hit me in this thread was that we so doubt ourselves that Izzy thought that she was "bad" all these years for doing what all kids do----bleh          Ami

[tayana]

I used to do this.  Anytime I was alone in the house, I loved going through my parents' things.

I found pictures of my parents in compromising positions.  I found old letters from before they'd been married.  I spent a lot of time trying to decide if my mother was pregnant when she got married or not.  From the letters her and my dad certainly fooled around enough.

I found out about my father's cross-dressing fetish, and all of his secret stash of things.

I used to steal his playboy and penthouse magazines and read them.  He had them in a closet in our basement, and I'd sit down there after school and read.  That was my "sex education."

Eventually, I went through things looking for answers about my financial situation.

I always felt bad about it too.  My mother used to go through all of my things though, so I guess I thought it was normal.

However, I don't go through my son's stuff.  If he says it's private, it stays private.  I do go through his backpack though, otherwise he'd never get homework done.

[isittoolate]

Thank you lighter, Leah, OC, CB, Ami and tay, on top of Hops and changing~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was so funny to me now when I hear your stories and know that my snooping was normal under the circumstances.

Yes, lighter and Leah, I thought I might be adopted because I wasn't a red head like the rest and because my eldest sister told me, I was, BUT, the snooping came first--looking for Identity? yes, could have been, or a million dollars so I could run away--no  never thought of that, but I have mulled over that snooping all my life.

Yes OC. I believe knowledge is power.

I was in the wrong generation to find BC pills and steamy magazines. I don't think my parents would ever read such stuff. However my eldest sister did find a box/tin of Shieks on the top kitchen shelf--I didn't know what they were.

nope, my life never made any sense.

Love
Izzy

EDIT} By coincidence I was coming awake this morning to the gentle sound of a man snoring. *sigh* It was so nice, until I was completely awake and realized *I* had been snoring!

[attachment deleted by admin]

[tayana]

Hey Amber . . . I used to think I was a changeling because I was so different from the rest of my family.  I had nothing at all in common with them, so I made up elaborate stories about why I was the way I am.  Then at one point, I wished I was a changeling, so I could go somewhere else.  It didn't help that I had an intense interest in mythology, particularly Celtic myth, so all my reading just reinforced the fantasy thoughts.

My mother always did claim I lived in a fantasy world.

[tayana]

Oh, I know what you  mean.  I used to wish I could fall into one of my books, because at least people cared about each other.

It wasn't this constant, "Don't tell your father."

"Don't tell your mother."

"I've just about had all of this lying I can take."

From both my parents.

[Leah]

Library was a haven of delight for me.  Interestingly enough, as a young girl, read every book, great or small, on the subject of Fairy Tales and Fables.  Progressing onto Mythology, and especially loved Classical Greek Mythology at High School. 

History is my current favourite.

Providing it does not repeat itself on me 

Love, Leah