Now is the time that all evil Ns come out of the woodwork

[sunblue]

Did you ever notice how the holidays bring all the Ns, particularly the N relatives out of the woodwork?  For some reason, at the holidays, they conveniently forget all the dysfunction they've caused and how they've had no contact with those family members and friends who will not support their evil ways...

My family is certainly no exception.   I have an evil Nsis who I have nothing to do with.  No phone calls, no e-mails, no contact at all.  It would be my wish to never hear from or see her again.  My Nparents spend all their time with her.  But for some reason, at the holidays, she sends me an e-mail out of the blue in which she pretends absolutely nothing is wrong.  She usually uses the premise that she wants me to provide her with "gift ideas" for my parents.  When they first started a couple of years ago, I was shocked that she would have the gall to send them and that she would act like nothing at all happened.  In my book, a normal or semi-healthy person who has not had contact with someone for years due to their hurtful behaviors would know enough not to contact that person, especially for such an inane reason.  But oh no.  They just pretend that everything is all right.

Christmas is my Nsis's favorite time.  It has always provided her with the opportunity to gloat and be the center of attention as she lavished extravagant presents on my presents and others, demanding everyone to compliment her on her "generosity" and oohing and aaahing over the gifts, even when they were totally inappropriate.  My Nsis, like my Nmom, believes materials things or gifts will solve all.  In the last few years, my Nsis even has gone so far as to send me a gift which I do not acknowledge in any way.  My Nmom and co-D dad, of course, thinks these gestures are a symbol of extending an olive branch to resolve family issues.  I know better as does my brother.  I told them once that I want no contact with her and certainly don't want her gifts.  I also said that if she really and truly was interested in reconciling her relationships with her siblings whom she has hurt immeasurably, she should pick up the phone and have a conversation.  Lots and lots and lots of conversation would have to take place before my brother and I would ever consider allowing her back in her lives.  Personally, I would rather not ever giving her that option, but I know that since she is such an extreme N, there is not much chance of that, since she would not be capable of acknowleding what she's done or admitting her mistakes. 

Still, when I get these e-mails, it just brings up such feelings of hurt and anger and sadness.  I just want to scream, "Leave me alone!"  Instead, I choose not to open the e-mails and ignore it. 

The holidays have become really sad.  They remind me of just how sick and dysfunctional my family is and how alone I am in it all.

Sorry.  Just needed to vent.  Why can't my family be like the Osmonds?  I always thought of my brother and I as Donny and Marie but I've realized what a fantasy that was....)....

Oh well....

[Ami]

Dear Sun.
  Keep writing. It helps.                           Love    Ami


(((((((((((((Sun))))))))))))))

[Gabben]

Did you ever notice how the holidays bring all the Ns, particularly the N relatives out of the woodwork? 
[/quote]

Yes -They come out of the woodworks so not to face the fear of being alone.

They just pretend that everything is all right.

Oh man - this drives me nuts when my N mom does this.

Christmas is my Nsis's favorite time.  It has always provided her with the opportunity to gloat and be the center of attention as she lavished extravagant presents on my presents and others, demanding everyone to compliment her on her "generosity" and oohing and aaahing over the gifts, even when they were totally inappropriate. 

I had an N friend just like this. She was financially loaded and very lonely. Christmas was "her moment." It was all about giving gifts for getting glory. 

Still, when I get these e-mails, it just brings up such feelings of hurt and anger and sadness.  I just want to scream, "Leave me alone!"  Instead, I choose not to open the e-mails and ignore it. 

The holidays have become really sad.  They remind me of just how sick and dysfunctional my family is and how alone I am in it all.

Oh well....

I hear you and acknowledge your pains...((((((((sunblue)))))))

[Hopalong]

I think Santa is an N.
He's so special.
What gives him the right to invade homes every year?
Decide who's been naughty and nice?
Distribute presents or lumps of coal, have such power?
Bellow Ho-Ho-Ho from every corner until you want to bonk him?
I know, he's chaaaaarming...but soooo materialistic.
His own private jet sleigh...
That fancy suit....
He's insatiable, has to have his own zip code for the letters.
And of course he gets the credit for the elves' hard work.

Yup, N fer sure.

Hops

[isittoolate]

I'll throw my mother 's birthday in here with your holidays.

I don't know the words for a thread for this.

I don't have a microwave-- never did!

My mother never had a microwave and I knew she didn't want one. I knew it because of how I felt---I just KNEW!

So for her 80th birthday, some sibling of mine decided mom needed a microwave. I said that we shouldn't She wouldn't use it. She likes her gas stove and that's it.

Nobody listened!

Bottom liine is that I wrote a cheque for $69.00 for my share of it and that was that.

Then 2 years later, she fell, ended up in hospital, was to come home, but (complications with her broken leg and) stayed there for 6 more yeas til she died.

When she knew she wasn't coming home, she sold the house and had the 5 of us look after a contents sale. She told me I could have the pair of vases I gave them and the coffee table........ and I didn't feel entitled to anything else.

My eldest sister took the microwave that had never been used, along with other things.
so did the others but that bolded line is what sticks in my craw.
I knew Mom would never use it, so I knew I would be paying for something for somebody else.

Sheesh, Now I am mad--It's about no one listening! Oh THAT was on another thread, too

Izzy

[Leah]

Oh, Izzy,

I just knew that line was going to appear, that your sister had the microwave.

That's just the kind of thing that would happen in my family dynamic.

Feel free to be mad about it, with every right to do so.

The truth is, we are not crafty (cleverly cunning) but, from my personal experience to date, they repeatedly are!

Love, Leah

[seasons]

sunblue,

Yes they do!

Still, when I get these e-mails, it just brings up such feelings of hurt and anger and sadness.  I just want to scream, "Leave me alone!"  Instead, I choose not to open the e-mails and ignore it. 

I hear you. I'm so happy you have chosen to ignore N emails.

The holidays have become really sad.  They remind me of just how sick and dysfunctional my family is and how alone I am in it all.

It can be a sad time. We have to find our own happiness, still searching as the suck the life out of you. Challenging but we know it c an be done...ya think?

(((Hugs, please remember you are not alone)))  seasons

[lighter]

So.....

My sister phones yesterday.

There's discussion about her 9 yo daughter's therapy and how she's pretty shocked that the T has pinpointed her and her husband's relationship as the cause of dd's problems. 

I'm honest..... I let her know I'm sort'a shocked she's shocked. 

I cut her off a couple times as she's explaining why EVERYTHING is her husband's fault.....'nothing to do with her.' 

Honestly, she's chaos walking but.... I didn't say that.

I told her to keep an open mind, to listen to what the T had to say as her daughter's wellbeing may enable to hear things NOW that she otherwise couldn't hear.

Is that a big ole'YIKES?

I can't honestly tell anymore.

She responded by ordering me to treat her in a civil manner during her upcoming visit here..... she wanted to know why I constantly persecuted and was abusive when she visited?  She pronounced my behavior innapropriate and waited to hear my reason for treating her so horribly.

That deserved an answer and I respond with short, most recent example, which was a conversation during her summer trip here.

We got along the entire trip, then in the last half hour she snidely makes the comment......

"Well, at least you're acting like you care about your children now."

Heh.... what do you think her response to my answer was? 

Not only did she not apologize for saying it... she said she didn't remember saying it (the nerve!) then I must have misunderstood then delivered a short synopsis about why All parents in the United States suck

Hmmmm....

I, of course, got upset again and she accused me of being abusive AGAIN!

I may raise my voice a bit and I may express anger... but her calm "I'm under control so you're the abusive one" conversations where she slides in covert emotional terrorism that makes no sense..... isn't? 

I admit it...... I can't keep my patience around and God knows I do it and do it and do it then BAM!  She finally makes a comment that releases chemicals in me I have to talk about

[changing]

My Dear Wonderful Valiant Lighter-

I just read the other thread with details on your trials and tribulations of late. ((((((((Lighter)))))))) You are a loyal and steadfast person, and I admire that as one of your numerous stellar qualities. I don't fully understand what you and your F and B are going through but I am praying for you all. I know that you are a hard worker and
 not afraid to tackle difficult and demanding tasks - I just hope that you get rest and take good care of yourself- you are very precious and important, and others care about you as well.

Maybe your S is acting up because of the spate of extreme health issues in the family (I am not excusing her). You can just ignore her nutty comments Lighter. You gave her some valuable feedback, but often people cannot immediately take in information that points to their own need for change and improvement - we all tend to block this out. But she heard you and the T, and will be processing the ideas.

I hope that you and your loved ones have a peaceful and snuggly Thanksgiving, and that you have friends and loved ones who appreciate the clear-eyed, witty and charming person that they are so fortunate to have in their midst.

Thank you for what you have done for me, Lighter- I will always be grateful. I hope that you have a rollicking good time and a piece of delicious pecan pie today!!!

Love From Your Friend,

Changing

Sunblue-

I share your thoughts about Ns generally being in their glory during the holidays .  They expect the herd of nonNs to conform to a certain type of behavior, so they can really do the N thing unfettered. It would be good to learn how to shut Ns down at holiday gatherings  and keep the peace and comfort and sfety intact. I don't really have a FOO so I don't have to wory about that- but I have seen so wild and wooly things happen during holiday functions.

I hope that you stay focused on your own good sense and do what you know is right, enjoy what you can, and ignore the Ns- life is too short to let others steal your joy!

Wishing you great happiness on Thanksgiving and always, Love and Peace=

Changing

[Hopalong]

Lighter,
She said something that woulda triggered Mommy Teresa.

You blew up, huh? Yelled? (I usually figure that's what "raised my voice a bit" means...)

Aww, hon. You're trying to get some respect and appreciation and validation from somewhere.
Dang sister is too scattered and chaotic in her head to even catch on to how awful her remark was.

I'm sorry.

love
Hops

[IsabellaRose]

I have an evil Nsis who I have nothing to do with.  No phone calls, no e-mails, no contact at all.  It would be my wish to never hear from or see her again.  My Nparents spend all their time with her.  But for some reason, at the holidays, she sends me an e-mail out of the blue in which she pretends absolutely nothing is wrong.  She usually uses the premise that she wants me to provide her with "gift ideas" for my parents.  When they first started a couple of years ago, I was shocked that she would have the gall to send them and that she would act like nothing at all happened.  In my book, a normal or semi-healthy person who has not had contact with someone for years due to their hurtful behaviors would know enough not to contact that person, especially for such an inane reason.  But oh no.  They just pretend that everything is all right.

I know this is a hurtful subject for you, but I disagree with what you said.  Basically you and your sister are not speaking.... no contact at all.  You will not contact her, and she will not contact you.  If nobody is allowed to contact the other person....make the first move....then how will this ever be resolved?  SOMEBODY HAS TO BLINK FIRST!

No contact situations occur when neither side is willing to sit and listen to each other. ( I am NOT judging you....just trying to present another side.)  Somewhere along the line, your attempts to communicate with your sister fell on deaf ears, so you decided it would be less painful to stop seeing her all together (again, no judgement).

If I had not made contact with someone for a very long time, I dont' think it would be appropriate to just call them up and pick up the argument where it left off.  I'd probably send off a brief "hello" just to test the waters.  I'm not convinced that your sister is "pretending nothing is wrong"...probably just trying to test the waters with you.  If you snub her, then she'll back off b/c she thinks you are still seething with anger and will want to avoid an argument..... then she can be accused of making no contact again.

Instead, it would be MORE useful, to reply to her note about your parents gifts.  A simple acknowlegement.  Then if she wants to get into the whole "it never happened routine"  you could gently inform her "Sister, i know we have not spoken for awhile.  I really would like to meet with you and discuss what happened between us (last time).  It would be good for us to clear the air.  If you are willing to do this, please let me know when we can arrange a time". 

If she refuses to speak with you, then you could nicely say that until the matter is resolved, you do not feel it would be appropriate to carry on as if nothing happened.  But that you are open to meet with her at any time.  Then the ball is in her court.

I know we all need to set boundaries with the N's in our lives. However, when they make contact, after several years even, I can understand how/why it would be easier to start off with a completely benign topic rather than diving head first into old conflict. 

 

[changing]

Hi Isabella-

I can see how one might make the assumptions regarding behaviors that you have here- when a minor misunderstanding has caused the severing of communications and years have passed ,and after some reflection, and one or both parties see some communicaton glitch or other created a misunderstanding, they can make things right amicably and openly. However, in the case of an abusive person, when there has been a policy of NC for the purpose of preserving one's peace of mind and security, there is very little chance of a miracle transformation of the situation. I would never relinquish my right to NC, and am always shocked at the cavalier attitude of the abuser, who acts as if nothing went down between us before!!!

My NH routinely comes over to my home unbidden contrary to legal agreements, etc, and he acts as if nothing is wrong and speaks about innocuous subjects, such as how difficult it has been for him to find the right cell phone. He is violent and dangerous and harmful, and I am startled when he tries to strike up a conversation as if we had no past. In fact he has said " I don't want to ever talk about that (an incident of abuse)...it's over" I am much happier and secure with NC, and it is certainly right for me. I love it!!!

However, your experience may be different . What issues have you had in this vein, and how have you dealt with them? What is going on in your life now? Hope you had a lovely holiday!

Love ,

Changing

[lighter]

Changing... you're going to make one hell of an attorney some day.  Love ya....



Hops.... ::sigh::

 I don't think I yelled, not this last go around with sister but.... I definately don't stay calm with any consistency.   

I know I jumped all over her for bullying my BIL to make a destitute clown the gaurdian of their daughter, in case they both pass away.  First... there's family who could raise her and second.... BIL hates the dysfunctional clown and would rather eat a bug than sign his daughter over to her. My sister's nothing if not interested in killing 2 birds with one stone, though.  First, the clown wouldn't be lonely AND she'd have a roof over her head, at least as long as the child was in her care. Makes sense, right?

The little things that set me off?  Marching my passport accross the Canadian Airport and leaving it with a stranger, I have no idea which one cause she ran off while I was dealing with CHILDREN...... then running past me and saying "it's with someone in a blue coat, I have to run cause my car is getting towed, good luck."   

She delivered me to the airport late and the security line was about an hour long..... talk about stress.  Yes, I felt bad for getting angry at her for handing my passport off then doing the obviouse thing..... running away and leaving me to figure it out with not a minute to spare much less stand in that line.  I talked security into walking us through to the head of the line and the lady with my passport found ME cause I look like my sister.  OMG.... who does that sort of things with a passport?!!?!?

I have to ask..... why did I GIVE my passport to her in the first place?  I KNOW she's going to do something like that, but she's so grab and run while shouting over her shoulder that you don't catch on she just sabotaged you right away.  Takes a second to sink in.

If I say 'meet me in front of the Delta Crown Room at 3pm'.... she won't BE there.  She'll be 3 terminals down in front of the ice cream shop.... completely confused that you didn't just figure it out sooner, it seemed obviouse to her that changing the plan and not telling anyone was reasonable.

Ummmm... NO!  But I didn't get worried cause that's what you DO!  Why can't I stop letting it bother me?

On the airport thing..... she was driving back to Canada from Florida.... so WHAT does she DO with these little plants she wants?  She puts them in her little old Italian Immigrant FIL's baggage, and doesn't tell him or her husband about it.   

So.... after they've lied on their papers, been found out then roughed up till the old man loses his precscription glasses..... you have to wonder why she didn't just DRIVE THE DAMNED PLANTS ACCROSS THE BORDER herself!?!?!

And...... she insisted on putting ALL THE LUGGAGE tags on her husbands ticket one other earlier Holiday..... though he protested it was odd and he'd have trouble..... NO NO.... she wanted to travel under her maiden name and pretend she had NO luggage.  She went through a different security line and everything.... I bet she was wearing sunglasses.

So..... after she clears security.... she goes to the bar to wait 2 hours for him to get through security, cause with that black beard and dark Italian skin.... he was gonna be a while. 

That's where she was when he was trying to point out his blonde wife, traveling under her maiden name, who left him to clear security on his own and made him put all the luggage tags on his ticket and wasn't anywhere to be found. 

Plausible story, right?

They took him to a back room and kept yelling at him....."when were you last in prison?!?!? When were you last in prison?!?!?!?"  He finally asked for his passport back and said he just wanted to go home.  Now.....

why... oh pray tell why.... does everything have to be so damned difficult when she's involved?

And, it is.

There's more Airport travel stories... yes, I'm on a rant but it;s absolutely necessary so bear with or go read something else.

OK..... Paris.  The end of a very hard trip.  We'd been robbed in Italy, I must have eaten some dodgey wild bird organs...

or.....

sardine heads.....

or.....

something bc I ended up with a very very very messy stomach 'thing.' 

Only one bathroom in little Italian village homes, btw.  Ahem.

So, while I'm just recovering from hours of yacking....and everything.....

 I have to get stuffed into an armoir bc there's some flakey Italian Professor downstairs loudly whispering my name and my sister thinks that;s the best way to handle it.... put me in an armoir so he doesn't get me. 

To top it off..... she was supposed to sleep with me in the BEEG bed, belonging to the married couple we were staying with.  When they came up to check on me I was in the PINO bed, the cot that my BIL was supposed to sleep in cause of the Italian Catholic thing and OH GOD could that part of the trip get any worse?!?!  How embarrassing and I had a dream where my sister was posessed and there were 3 little beds and I didn't want to look at them bc I knew she was IN one and obviously posessed.

 It was terrible and I never wanted a damned hamburger, wheaties (and KETCHUP why don't they have KETCHUP?) so badly in my life.  When we returned our badly beaten, broken window, popped out trunk lock, covered in homeade red wine bc the theives broke a bottle of it in the car...gack.... rental car to the agency in Nice, France..... I was never so happy to be out of Italy.

I had time to enjoy the hot coco and buttery pastries left at my door in the morning, notice LA was on fire on CNN then make the train back to Paris... time to go home!   

The train police found me sitting on one of their oversized pillow cases (you're supposed to crawl into....) it had our heavy tiles pulled from the riviera's edge, the theives didn't want them.  Hmmm... I guess I'm lucky my sister's bright idea to use that train sack didn't get me jailed.  BTW... if you ever go to a train station, be careful of the little men who walk around looking like bewildered tourists... trying to figure out the lockers and peeking at other peoples combinations like they're simply checking out how to work the locker. 

My BIL was pretty annoyed that I kept walking around talking about how glad I was that they didn't get my hand colored engravings, bought by the Sein... so perfectly what I'd been looking for, and FOUND!  Of course, he kept telling me that the theives did indeed get them...... would I please shut up about it?  They also got our coats, and it was cold.



When we get to the airport.... what does dear sister do?  She sticks us with all the stuff, which really amounted to the tiles and some carved marble moulding from Pompeii, both heavier than you can imagine.... we were mules... and strikes out on her own supposedly looking for the right direction.  She stays so far ahead of us that she can't hear us and we can barely see her, straining to keep her in sight at all with all we're saddled with.  She had the tickets.... we could see where this was going.  Then she gets on a bus.... a very very very crowded bus. 

BIL barely gets his load ON when we hear her say.... 'OH NO.... this is the wrong bus.'  We wanted to KILL something by the time we were on the flight and she was unwilling to admit that perhaps we should have discussed which wrong direction we were going to strike off in, since we were carrying everything.  If we talk about it today... she'll insist she "HAD TO TAKE CHARGE..... WE WERE WEAK and someone had to lead....."  Never even considering for a minute that stopping to pow wow for a moment, here and there, would have been wise. 

BIL speaks 3 languages! 

She speaks wrong instinct!

To top it off.... my eardrum burst the next day after an agony of ear trouble from the flight, which wasn't her fault.

Still more on airports....
She never ever shares her travel info.  It's a rule with her... or... something.  Probably just scattered and unwilling to stop and find it so she just gives a time and a place to meet her.

  So..... I'm waiting at the train station for 2 hours..... and I don't know what airline or flight to check just to see if her plane went down or was delayed or the flight was CANCELLED!  I finally just went home and waited for her call.

She shows up at my door, an hour later..... says she needs 25.oo for the cab ride.... all I had was a jar of change at that time, btw..... and she doesn't even have any change!  I mean.... from one frustration to a crisis back to frustration again.  Now I'm digging out 25.00 in change and she could have called me collect and had me come get her like we'd planned.  I'd already sat there for 2 hours waiting on her.  She never sees what the problem is I was 7 minutes from the train station.

She always has an excuse and she's always feeling persecuted and she never changes.

This has been a terribly satisfying theraputic rant.  ::sigh::

One last thing..... the toilets don't always flush reliably in small Italian villages.  The water can be cut off for hours and that's the reason.  We're visiting another house and I have to go to the bathroom.... the beginning of the end for me with the stomach virus I think.  I go in as she's finising up a tinkle.  I say... 'Don't flush, just in case" and what does she do? 

WHat does

she

do?

Yup.  She flushes, staring me straight in the eye. 

and yup..... the water was off for an hour and why oh why is it so funny to her?  I had to sit in that bathroom guarding that toilet for an HOUR!  Not funny...... Hops... quit laughing, lol. 

WHen we were in Florida once, years ago, there was this frog on a wall.  Just grippin his little body there.

He looked a bit dangerous to me so....

I say:

"don't touch the frog."

She looks at me, kind'a ornery and.....

::touch::

::squirt:: 

Right accross my mouth, this frog releases a stream of some putrid liquid... I know not what.

Is this Karma?  I mean... how in the world does this same stuff keep happening to US? 

She couldn't plan this stuff!!

Could she?

[changing]

Hi Lighter!

I haven't been to a movie in ages- where is this one playing, it seems like the first interesting comedy out in quite a while? I'm dying from laughter just reading the synopsis!!!

Thank you for the encouragement, Lighter- my finals are fast approaching and I am anxious about the classes that I missed due to Bagworm, the cops and the Moron! HMMM, that just might be a good outline for another movie, but would it be a comedy or a circus movie?!?!?!?

Regarding you-know-who....the Proverbs say that depending upon an undependable person is like eating with an infected tooth or walking on a foot with no joints! WOWSER-she definitely rates a rant!!!!

Hope you are having a  wonderful week!!!

Love,

Changing

[Hopalong]

Oh.

Errr, Lighter, I wouldn't dream of laughing, snorfle snurt, but one teensy-weensy question:

Why
do
you
travel
with
this
Personage?

xo
Hops