I am so used to abuse that I don't even see it anymore

[Ami]

I have been able to detach b/c you all showed me that it was 'normal".. Tonight,I detached as my H had a rage. I remembered back a long time ago when I would never have accepted this behavior: a long,long time ago when I had all my emotions.
  Tonight,I looked at it and "saw" it. I saw that I danced to avoid the rages. I got sick b/c I had to lie to live in this denial.
  I danced to make my mother  O.K and I danced to make my H --- O.K.
  I see it and I am very grateful for that---profoundly grateful.                                Love   Ami

PS---I really want to call my Aunt and ask her ,'Is this normal?" Do your D's go through this?" I know that she would say ,"No.
 

[Gabben]

Dear Ami,

Toxic love - the air we breathed in our childhood -  If the only thing that we are used to is polluted air then it is hard for us to know anything different - we just sense somethings a miss. Now you are breathing in the love from this board and giving it to yourself  it is like a new armor against your H's rage.

Love,
Lise

[Ami]

You are so sweet Lise. You understand it very well(unfortunately)                Love  Ami
((((((((((((Lise))))))))))

[seasons]

Hi Ami,

I'm so sorry to have to ask this, my apologies first. But I think I am confused about your H and your relationship. I think I may have thought you were not together. Obviously I got that wrong.

I care very much and want to make sure I know your truth before I speak.

 
I am so used to abuse that I don't even see it anymore I wish more for you, gently with love.



Sending prayers of protection for you dear Ami. May you soon find your way out of harms way with all of your N's.

 ((((((seasons ))))))

[Gabben]

ditto to what seasons said Ami - "May you soon find your way out of harms way with all of your N's."

Love, Lise

[isittoolate]

Ami
Reactions to toxic people: I'll bet you know when you react.

Then that toxic person ought not be in your life at all, in order for you to heal

How many people in your everyday life drive you up the wall and down again???

Well for me it was my parents, and my 4 siblings. I left home when I finished high school  (I didn't have the advantage of further education) and was supporting myself. However, not knowing what was happening, I would go 'home' (out of guilt) and clean the house for my mother (now in a wheelchair.) None of the other girls did when they left home. So I was different in a 'wrong' way.

So the 6 of them are toxic to me in different levels so are on the other side of my fence. My daughter and her children are also on the other side of the fence.  I have reached a point that I don't miss any one of them, as it was the family, then the daughter marrying an N and my life with 'them' until he kicked me out.

The people closest to me relatioinship-wise are the most toxic ones for me.

I write this because you still have a husband and 2 sons to deal with, and you haven't NC'd your mother because you refer to her.

[Ami]

Thanks for taking my inventory,kid.                                   Ami

[gratitude28]

No, Ami, it's not normal. I have friends with normally disfunctional families (lol). They do not cower or hide or worry. We learned that and we are unlearning it - as you pointed out. Disengage and also let it go in your mind. Any time we give to pondering their behavior and the hurt they cause us is a victory we give to their disorder.
You are moving along, Ami, and being strong.
(((((((((((((((Ami))))))))))))
Love, Beth

[finding peace]

Beth - very, very wise:

Any time we give to pondering their behavior and the hurt they cause us is a victory we give to their disorder.

Until I realized this, I was not able to break away emotionally.  I still slide back - but I can swing back much more quickly now that I am vigilant over my thouights (on edit:  and emotions/emotional triggers).

(((((((Ami))))))))

I haven't read through all the posts here so am sorry in advance if I am repeating anything - but I was the same way (so used to abuse that I didn't even see it) - until one day, I woke up.  

You woke up - eh?  That, IMO, is the most important part.

Much love,
Peace

[lighter]

I think you've been identifying the abuse, for yourself and the board, for quite some time now.

 Lately, when I see you write basically the same things, in different ways... it occurrs to me that you may be going over it again and again for someone else... besides yourself and us......

that you're looking for validation from the only people you really care about receiving validation from, ya know?

Your H and M, maybe.

Not sure but..... it seems like you really need them to realize what they did to you, admit it and take it all back.... nothing else will do.

They aren't ever going to be able to give you that, if they could they already would have.  If they're really NPD or N'ish.... this is what they are..... not something they do with evil intent. 

They do things bc they're selfish and struggling to stay on an even keep themselves.  They're amoral and capable of doing evil bc it serves them, not bc doing evil drives them. 

You can take what you want and compost the rest. 

[Hopalong]

Whoosh. Scalpel of truth:

They aren't ever going to be able to give you that, if they could they already would have.  If they're really NPD or N'ish.... this is what they are..... not something they do with evil intent. 

They do things bc they're selfish and struggling to stay on an even kee[l] themselves.  They're amoral and capable of doing evil bc it serves them, not bc doing evil drives them

Oy, Missy Lighter.

Hops

[Leah]

Any time we give to pondering their behavior and the hurt they cause us is a victory we give to their disorder.

Not sure but..... it seems like you really need them to realize what they did to you, admit it and take it all back.... nothing else will do.

They aren't ever going to be able to give you that, if they could they already would have.  If they're really NPD or N'ish.... this is what they are..... not something they do with evil intent. 

They do things bc they're selfish and struggling to stay on an even keep themselves.  They're amoral and capable of doing evil bc it serves them, not bc doing evil drives them. 

Little book of wisdom here.

Thank you, dear friends.

Love, Leah

[Ami]

Dear Lighter,
 You have given the answer to the dilemma. It was helpful to see it there in stark black and white.The answer is that the N's ARE N's and will never change. You just have to accept it and go on.
 However, even though it IS the answer, it is like the answer in the back of the "Teachers Book'. You may have the answer but you don't know the process to solve the problem.
  That is what I am doing----the process in solving the problem                                   Ami

[Ami]

I was a counselor in a shelter for abused woman and I have been abused. Here is the thing about abuse(IMO).
  It is the same as you "give a man a fish and he has fish for a day.You teach a man to fish and he can fish for a  lifetime."
  What is "teaching a man to fish? It is reclaiming your true emotions. It is KNOWING when you have been violated b/c part of abuse is that it is "normal" to the person being abused.Even though they "protest", they have a part in them that thinks that they deserve it(IMO)If 'deserve" is too strong a word, they have a threshold for abuse based on their past conditioning(IMO)They need to get their self esteem  back where they think that they are worth more than abuse.
 It is a complex process of rehabilitation,like you would do with a physical injury.
 If s/one says,"Oh ,the person is an N. let it go."That IS true. However, if it were that simple, we all would be healed from N's and abuse already.
  So, as I see it ( and I am healing) is that it is a process of rebuilding a self like you would restore the skin of a burn patient.
 For a person to be abused (and stay), they are at a level of a rehabilitation patient. What has to be rehabilitated is their belief in themselves.          Ami

[Ami]

Abuse of any sort is very 'confusing". My house has been crazy ,lately(past two days).I am confused.
 The thing with abuse( and I would see it when I worked with the men in the  woman's shelter) is that the abuser DOES have some truth in what they are saying. The abused person questions themselves so badly that they really don't "know" the truth of the situation.There is where the puzzle pieces fit together.
  That is where I am right now.There is a grain of truth.
   I will write later.                  Ami