Emotions

[Ami]

I don't know if I can even express this. I really cannot count on my perceptions b./c they are skewed. I really can't trust my emotions b/c they are exaggerated. What is life when you have these "false' blinders distorting you?
Much of  the progress that I have made has been done through doing the inner child exercises. I can see how I think that A is the problem when it is really B.When I do the exercises,I am so surprised that what I thought was the problem was not the problem at all.It had an entirely different root. The root was hidden from me until I did the exercises.Once the root is "pulled", the problem leaves.
  I have been reluctant to do them b/c they bring immediate pain,but then relief.
  I remember when I was freaking out in the dentisits chair. What was the root? I wanted my M(in fantasy) to come and take care of me. Also, I didn't want her to be angry at me. I found this out with the inner child exercises. I was replaying a scenario when I was a child that she would neglect me when I was sick or hurting.I kept replaying it and not ever seeing the root.(What an embarrassment)
  I have so many layers of these types of distortions that are "driving" me that I am not facing.
  I need to start ,again, on the inner child exercises b/c they enable you to take any emotion(big or little) and get to the root. Then, the pattern dissapates like a vapor.
  I guess that I wanted to state the intention. Thanks for listening.         Love  Ami

[Hopalong]

I was replaying a scenario when I was a child that she would neglect me when I was sick or hurting.

That makes sense, Ami. That sure would trigger a repetition compulsion of making yourself repeatedly sick in the (unconscious) hope that you can correct this unnatural past.

Fits right in with other theories about repetition compulsion in the mates we select, our behaviors at work, all sorts of stuff. It's all the same.

I think you're learning a lot and putting a lot into place.

I'm sorry you're facing facts about living with rage, but I'm not sorry. It's really hard, I am sure. But maybe it's like dominos...you've toppled the BIG one, so other similar things would topple, too.

You're the toppler. Remember that you're the toppler now, not the toppled. You can decide what you want.

Hops