Reading your post..... the thought comes to mind, yet again...
"It's hope that kills us."
I think you've tried hard enough long enough and see how it works for ya, in the marriage.
You can see it isn't working, never worked and won't work.... bc your h has sabotaged it and you.
Hell.... let's face it, he sabotaged HIMSELF.... and that really makes no sense... it just doesn't.
If he was capable of doing better, he would have. He can't. He's broken and you can't fix him.
You tried very hard, harder than most probably.
That's all you can do.
Forgive yourself, don't try to make sense of it..... and start nurturing yourself.
What are your interests? You may be so confused and out of step with yourself that you can't remember, so...... it's about discovery in that case.
Please imagine, if you took all that energy you've been putting into keeping peace in your home...... and put it in yourself....
what that might look like.
I think you could find your passions, find new friends and learn to love your own companionship.
In the meantime...... fake it till ya make it.... it'll come.
Pretend you're a houseguest and bustle around yourself..... make tea and comfort food..... take a nice long bath or buy new sheets for the bed.
DO something for yourself and please be kind in your thoughts about you.
