Author Topic: What am I doing?  (Read 1128 times)

betr4

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What am I doing?
« on: November 23, 2007, 07:19:42 PM »
Trying to make sense of this insanity almost drove me totally insane.
Accepting the insanity is the only way I can detach.  Admitting it is what it is.

I worked so hard at making my marriage work.  I made my family my whole life.  I thought it was working.  I finally had to come to realize that things were not ever going to be like I wanted them to be.
I have grieved for years, over and over.  The loss of what I had given my life for.  My purpose for living. I had to find a way to survive the destruction that I did not even realize was happening.

Where does all this attachment and energy come from that keeps a person in a relationship and lifestyle that totally destroys them?

I have awareness and understanding, but I still have to work hard at keeping my emotions under control when dealing with my h or any family member.

I have all but separated myself from my family and have limited contact with my h.  When he is in contact with me, I am aware of all that is going on.  Still when the abuse starts, I find it difficult to let go at the time and it takes lots of energy and some kind of hard work to get past it.

I know this sounds ridiculous and I claim to be in recovery.  I do well as long as I am not in the immediate state of abandonment.  I am obviously still living in some sort of state of emotional denial that I am having trouble getting past.

I have to take action and I think that I have to difuse the situation by contacting my h and being okay, not angry or upset.  All that does is enable him to deny what he has done and negate his responsibility to me or our marriage.

I know I am faithful to my marriage vows, and whether he is or not I don't know.  I just know he is not loyal or trustworthy and has no guilt or remorse about leaving or shutting me out of his life.

He has disappeared again and that is no surprise but it is still enough to stop my progress for a while.  The pain is gone but not the thought that I can't believe I would live this way knowing what I know.

I really want to know what I am doing and how long I'll do it and I guess I don't have those answers.

Thanks for listening. 
BR

Hopalong

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Re: What am I doing?
« Reply #1 on: November 23, 2007, 11:23:00 PM »
Hi Bets,

Your life is your own life.
Not his.

Ultimately, it will still be about you--
your dreams, your struggles, your journey. You emergence into happiness!

There is meaning to it, and many many years more during which you can create a new purpose.

Maybe your purpose going forward is to explore your own mystery, instead of his?

It's a tough time, a holiday weekend. Can you plan to be in the company of good friends
this time next year?

Sending love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

isittoolate

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Re: What am I doing?
« Reply #2 on: November 24, 2007, 12:34:50 AM »
hi betr4

Quote
Where does all this attachment and energy come from that keeps a person in a relationship and lifestyle that totally destroys them?

I have awareness and understanding, but I still have to work hard at keeping my emotions under control when dealing with my h or any family member.

This is likely your need to survive-- it will keep you held together until you make up your mind.

Quote
He has disappeared again and that is no surprise but it is still enough to stop my progress for a while.  The pain is gone but not the thought that I can't believe I would live this way knowing what I know.

I really want to know what I am doing and how long I'll do it and I guess I don't have those answers

This is likely your fear of the unknown, of moving on, that keeps you where you are.

xx
Izzy

lighter

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Re: What am I doing?
« Reply #3 on: November 24, 2007, 07:16:21 AM »
Reading your post..... the thought comes to mind, yet again...

"It's hope that kills us."

I think you've tried hard enough long enough and see how it works for ya, in the marriage.

You can see it isn't working, never worked and won't work.... bc your h has sabotaged it and you.

Hell.... let's face it, he sabotaged HIMSELF.... and that really makes no sense... it just doesn't. 

If he was capable of doing better, he would have.  He can't.  He's broken and you can't fix him.   

You tried very hard, harder than most probably.

That's all you can do.

Forgive yourself, don't try to make sense of it..... and start nurturing yourself. 

What are your interests?  You may be so confused and out of step with yourself that you can't remember, so...... it's about discovery in that case.

Please imagine, if you took all that energy you've been putting into keeping peace in your home...... and put it in yourself....

what that might look like. 

I think you could find your passions, find new friends and learn to love your own companionship.

In the meantime...... fake it till ya make it.... it'll come. 

Pretend you're a houseguest and bustle around yourself..... make tea and comfort food..... take a nice long bath or buy new sheets for the bed. 

DO something for yourself and please be kind in your thoughts about you.