Author Topic: Not quite sure what to call my feelings  (Read 2086 times)

tayana

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Not quite sure what to call my feelings
« on: November 26, 2007, 02:41:49 PM »
I won't say I'm depressed, but I will say I'm down.  M is sick today, so I ended up staying home.  I wouldn't have anyone else take care of him when he's throwing up.  Hopefully, it's a 24 hour thing, and he'll be feeling better soon.

I'm sitting in my bedroom.  I thought I would write, but so far I haven't done anything except play on the internet and take a nap.  We didn't sleep well last night.  Writing has been difficult lately.  Nothing seems to hold my interest.  I have spells like this, so I'm not too worried.  I did start something new.  I'm more concerned that I don't feel so well anymore.  Maybe it's from seeing my parents.  I guess I harbored this idea that after I talked to them Thurs., they would call.  They would be interested in how I'm doing.  Instead, we've gone back to silence.  I didn't go out there yesterday.  I didn't feel good, and I ended up working at home. I finally got my bedroom mostly cleaned up, and it looks so pretty.

I can't quite decide why I just feel like lying in bed and sleeping.  I'm not that tired.  I slept a lot yesterday, and I've slept a lot today.  I just don't want to do anything else.  I can't seem to concentrate on anything, and I don't like it.  I don't have the wanting to crawl in a corner and hide feelings I had a few weeks ago, but at the same time, I don't feel good either.  I just don't know what's wrong.
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Leah

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Re: Not quite sure what to call my feelings
« Reply #1 on: November 26, 2007, 02:58:54 PM »
Dear Tayana,

Just a thought, because you have mentioned previously your med, and so it may be worth a look at the information sheet. 

Seems to me that there maybe a connection as my friend felt the same as you describe and was given a different brand of med.

Hope M gets over his tummy bug quickly.

Love & Hugs to you both,

Leah
« Last Edit: November 26, 2007, 04:43:35 PM by LeahsRainbow »
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Hopalong

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Re: Not quite sure what to call my feelings
« Reply #2 on: November 26, 2007, 03:12:15 PM »
Sounds like a wave of mild depression, Tay.
Understandable.

After the adrenalin of battle, you're left with...the battlefield.

Tend to your wounds. Don't worry about not PRODUCING.
Playing on the Internet and napping is a perfectly sane thing to do.

Hope M feels better soon.

And consider an SAD light?

xo
Hops
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betr4

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Re: Not quite sure what to call my feelings
« Reply #3 on: November 26, 2007, 03:39:46 PM »
Thanks for sharing your feelings.  Sometimes just sharing them and feeling them gets it out in the open and then they change.
Whatever today is it is.  I don't force myself to be anything but what I am and who I am today.
The freedom of being myself and the feelings I have lead to whatever I need to do for myself.
I hope you enjoy your room and whatever you choose to do.
BR

gratitude28

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Re: Not quite sure what to call my feelings
« Reply #4 on: November 26, 2007, 04:33:10 PM »
Tay,
This is a transitional time for you. You went through a major upheaval in a short period of time. Your mind needs time to recover on many levels. First - when you start the meds, you can't always figure out if what you are feeling is due to you or to the new sensations you have thanks to the AD. You know you feel better, but you are not sure how to take the new feelings. You may want to take it easy for a while until you sort things out (this will not be a conscious effort - jsut something that takes over slowly and without you being aware).
You have been on a "pink cloud" for a while. You felt triumphant; you made through a major holiday fairly intact. You designed a life that is yours. BUT it is a huge change. Your mind really needs some time to take it all in.
Tay, when I quit drinking (which was an addiction and in a weird way, like escaping the trap that you were in... it was a horror-style comfort zone for me), I needed a while to recuperate... I shut down, literally, for about 6 months. I stayed in, made hardly any appointments, picked up knitting and rested. I needed to regroup and regain strength.
Tay, you are doing everything right.
Love, Beth
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

tayana

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Re: Not quite sure what to call my feelings
« Reply #5 on: November 26, 2007, 04:40:52 PM »
I feel a little better now.  I had some lunch, and some Haggen Daas.  M wanted some things from the grocery, so I went to get them.

I felt like this yesterday too, and to a lesser degree on Saturday.  I'm not sure what's going on.  Maybe it's too much time at home.  The med does make me tired, or rather it makes me hyper.  I started taking it in the mornings so I could rest in the evening.

I think it's a delayed reaction to seeing my mom, and then having her totally ignore me for hours.  Even when I spoke directly to her, she ignored me.  I do think I'm going to go out there next weekend.  I want my stuff, including my Christmas decorations, winter coat, the rest of my clothes, and whatever M wants.  If they want to treat me like dirt while I'm there, I'll just get my stuff and leave.

Beth, thanks so much.  I keep sitting here thinking about things I "should" be doing, but I have no energy to do them.  I'd really love to just have one day all to myself.   I've felt pretty lackluster all weekend.  Saturday, we went to the mall to do some Christmas shopping.  I ended up doing no Christmas shopping at all, and I hated all the noise and crowds.  Maybe I just needed some quiet time.
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
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Ami

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Re: Not quite sure what to call my feelings
« Reply #6 on: November 26, 2007, 05:36:37 PM »
Dear Tayana,
  My first impression  was that it could be the medication. It was just a feeling and I could be wrong.
 You have gone through so many changes and have done so well. Honestly, you are totally  different than the person who came on the board a year ago.
 Having a sick child is very hard.
Also,  I think that ,once again, you are playing your M's tape,"You are not "good enough( don't do enough etc). I bet that hearing that tape is a part of your "blues"
  Also,  that she could "discard" you so easily--without much of a fight. That was a shock to me,too
  All my selling of my soul brought me nothing. Once I wanted some type of independent thought life, she dropped me like a hot potato.
  I was stunned. Is that all there is after giving a whole life time to s/one? Maybe, .that is part of your angst.
  Hope that you feel better by just expressing it.I bet that you do.        Love   Ami

(((((((((((((Tayana)))))))))))))))
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Leah

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Re: Not quite sure what to call my feelings
« Reply #7 on: November 26, 2007, 05:52:12 PM »
Dear ((( Tayana )))

Day all to yourself would be a wonderful treat, if it would be possible.

As a working single parent it is hard work and tiring at the best of times.

Right now, you really could do with some much needed TLC and chill out times, just as Beth has shared.

But, understandably, that is so much easier said, than done.

Thinking of you.

Love, Leah

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tayana

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Re: Not quite sure what to call my feelings
« Reply #8 on: November 26, 2007, 07:47:40 PM »
Ami, I think you are partly right.  There's this sense of disbelief because my mother so boldly ignored me on Thanksgiving, on a holiday that is supposed to be about thanks and family.  I didn't even get a hello, just an icy glare and the sense that she would rather be anywhere but in a room with me.  For so long, she has lorded over me and told me what to do, and now that I broke free and am doing my own thing, she wants nothing to do with me.  It hurts.

Leah, I wish it was possible.  I wish one of my wonderful family members would call and offer to take M for a day of fun and just let me have an entire day to do what I want.  Go shopping.   Sit at home.  Whatever.  I sort of had that last Monday, but it was only for about six hours, really.  And I had to deal with taking M to school and picking him up.   It's not the same and just a day to enjoy. 

Unfortunately, that's not something that has ever happened.  My parents made me feel guilty for wanting a break, and my brother never offered.  That's what I'd really like for Christmas.
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
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Leah

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Re: Not quite sure what to call my feelings
« Reply #9 on: November 26, 2007, 08:17:10 PM »
Quote
There's this sense of disbelief because my mother so boldly ignored me on Thanksgiving, on a holiday that is supposed to be about thanks and family.  I didn't even get a hello, just an icy glare and the sense that she would rather be anywhere but in a room with me.  For so long, she has lorded over me and told me what to do, and now that I broke free and am doing my own thing, she wants nothing to do with me.  It hurts.


Dear Tayana,

It does hurt, you have my sincerest empathy.

When my sister was getting married, my mother insisted that I was not to be invited, but, my BIL to be, felt torn about it, and together with my sister, they told my mother at the last minute, that they wanted me at the wedding.  My mother had insisted all along that if I was invited to the wedding, then she would not attend -- but attend she did.

So I had one day to dash out and select an outfit.  At the church my mother gave one of her many fine performances.  Then at the wedding reception she blatantly ignored me throughout the entire day, much to the disdain of my new BIL family who must have assumed that there was something amiss with me!  But not saint mother of course, as she had openly demonstrated a closeness with the priest, engaging in saintly conversation --- which was a show and a sham.

I was not allowed to join my FOO on the head table, instead, I was seated towards the end, with my young son and my h, as outcasts.

She blatantly ignored me because she had lost control of me --- for I had escaped from her bondage some months previously.

It did hurt being treated like that, quite deeply at the time, despite the fact that I had broke free from the bondage.

((( Tayana ))) I do genuinely understand how you feel.

Love, Leah
« Last Edit: November 26, 2007, 08:19:17 PM by LeahsRainbow »
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Ami

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Re: Not quite sure what to call my feelings
« Reply #10 on: November 26, 2007, 08:24:13 PM »
Dear Tayana,
   I am remembering the shock of that moment when my M "disconnected" from me. I stood up ,in a strong way,and told her  that she would have to EARN my trust.It would not  just be "given. She tried to shame me .. Nothing worked. Then, she disconnected.
  . After all this angst---we end like this?  It was surreal.
 Then ,I thought,"WHY didn't I do this sooner?" In a way ,it was so easy. Why did I take the craziness for so long ?
   There is no answer for that. We stayed b/c of emotional reasons, not intellectual one.
    Tay,it is a shock.It really is. It takes a while to process it.                   Love   Ami

(((((((((((((((((Tayana)))))))))))))))))
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

tayana

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Re: Not quite sure what to call my feelings
« Reply #11 on: November 27, 2007, 10:41:36 AM »
((((((Leah)))))) Thanks.  That is sort of how I feel.  My mom made a point of going on about all of the people wanting to drive her to the doctor and bubbling up with tears and what not, while blantantly ignoring me.  My brother said he thought it had been a perfect time to break the ice as far as us speaking.  She didn't take the opportunity, and I told my brother I didn't feel I should have to do all of the work. 

Thanks for sharing your story.  It's a very strange feeling to be free of all of that.

Ami, that is often what I think.  Why did I let this go on so long?  I accomplished nothing by staying.  I gained nothing, except a broken sense of self and a lot of misplaced guilt.
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt