Hi Isabella:
Just say your e-mail regarding my post about my family and Nsis and thought I should comment. Your description of how to handle someone you've had no contact with for a long time makes absolute sense and is the adult, healthy way to handle the situation. The problem is it simply doesn't work with someone who is truly N, as my sister is. They have no boundaries. They have no concern or interest in anyone else. They sit on their self-appointed throne dictating and controlling others around them. The truth is you cannot have a quality relationship with an N because relationships involve two people giving and receiving reciprocally, and Ns just are not capable of this. THe world revolves around them. They are not satisfied unless everyone's attention focuses exclusively on them.
In my case, I have an extreme N sis and a similarly Nmom and co-dependent dad who enable and support my sister's Narcissism despite the great harm she has done our family. Ultimately, my parents sacrificed having relationships with two of their three children (myself and my brother) along with their only grandchild just so that they can enable my Nsister's wishes. Even from a very young age, I understood that my Nsis wanted desperately to be the only child for my parents. She abused me verbally, emotionally and physically from the time I was young enough to have a memory. She always made it clear she wanted nothing to do with me. So, ultimately, we never really had a relationship to begin with. Later on, when my brother (whom she always considered her territory) became engaged, my Nsis unleashed her wrath on him. She backed out of his wedding at the last minute because she was angry she couldn't select the color of the bridesmaid dress (at least that's the excuse she gave). On his wedding day, she wrote a truly hateful and obscenity-filled letter to my brother which she included in his wedding card. A few years later, my brother and his wife had a child and decided for very legitimate reasons to select his wife's sister and husband as godparents (my Nsister was not married and did not believe in God, two points which were important to my brother). When she wasn't selected as godparent, my Nsis immediately disowned my brother and his entire family. When he sent her a baby picture of his daughter, she ripped it into tiny pieces and mailed it back to him. Despite his many attempts to discuss it with her calmly, she refused. As a result, she refused to be in the same room with him, refused to compromise when it came to holiday schedules and essentially destroyed our family. Now she didn't do that alone. My Nparents allowed her to do it. They now spend all their time with her, ignoring the rest of their children and grandchild.
My point is this. With Ns, you can't have adult, normal conversations. They will never take responsbility for what they've done. They will never allow a conversation to be focused on anything but them. They are manipulative and controlling. I know for a fact that the only reason my Nsis has tried to manipulate me with her gesture of gifts is because it would be the icing on the cake for her if I appeared to come over "to her side", thereby leaving my brother in the dust by himself. She has never made any attempts in over 10 years to contact my brother.
I think it would be one thing if I had had a real relationship with my sister at one point of my life and then something happened which fractured that relationship. But like I said, she made it clear to me from a very young age that she wanted nothing to do with me. Her only interest was my little brother and my parents. Typical N behavior when a new sibling enters the picture. She is truly an unhealthy, manipulative person and you just can't deal with a person like that in a healthy, adult way.
For me, I'm most sad that my parents chose her, the person who caused all the damage, and allowed her to destroy our family. It hurts me greatly that they thought so little of my brother and I that they did not stand up to my Nsis and tell her they refused to choose between their children. It hurts that they don't care about having relationships with my brother and I. But that is their choice. It makes no sense to me but they are sick, just as my Nsis is sick. Narcissism is a very damaging and painful illness. It is not to be taken lightly.
While it is very difficult, sometimes the healthiest thing you can do for yourself, as someone who has been on the receiving end of a narcissist, is to stay very far away from them. I have no problem doing that with my N non-sister but I still struggle terribly with my Nmom and co-D dad. Parents are a lot different than siblings. The connection is much stronger.
I think also Ns come in extremes. There are cases where the N person in your life might not be so extreme and you can have some kind of a relationship with them. However, in other cases, the level of their narcissism makes it impossible. To have a relationship with them would mean sacrificing your own mental health, self-esteem and self-worth.
Just my take on things. Perhaps others could comment or add to it.
