I think that I got to the bottom of the layers(maybe?). The N layer, as I call it, is the layer where a child pulls a toy from another child. He says,"It's mine."it could be survival instinct or just WANTING something b/c you want it without regard for s/one else. THIS is what N's do. They want s/thing and they take it.It could be anything.It could be s/one else's brains,beauty,etc. If they can't take the "actual" thing, they will try to destroy it in you so THEY don't have to be threatened by it.(This is what happens with the N mother(IMO))
They want what they want WHEN they want it.
My Aunt gave me the "clue' to the N layer. She said, Everyone is selfish and has bad motives, Ami dear.It is just human."
There she is elegant, beautiful ,gracious,loving,-----admitting the N layer- She even told me a story where she was selfish ,but forgave herself. She put herself BEFORE her D and traumatized the D ,but she could talk about it and share it. She could own it and then not let it stick to her like shameful slime.
To make it short--My Aunt suspected that her M(my GM) might be dead . My Aunt let her D (20's) go up and "discover" my GM b/c she(my Aunt) did not "want" to. My Aunt told me that it really traumatized her D and that my Aunt was very selfish for doing this. However, she put it in the "circular file" of "human".
Maybe,it does not explain what I am trying to say. However,my Aunt made a selfish choice and then lived with it---without destroying herself(Sigh).
The N layer is what N's OPERATE on most of the time. That is why they hurt us so much. So, the antidote to the N layer is to develop the OTHER parts of the personality that will balance it.
There is the Adult part, which waits it's turn. There are values which take you to a "higher " level.
However( and this is the key), we cannot DENY that we have the N level. THAT is why I was sick. I could NOT be selfish.I could not WANT to steal the "cookie' from s/one else. I had to be above the N level. Hence,I was sick.
I was denying that I even HAD an N level. Every time it reared it's head I had to beat it down. How?with depression, sickness, crazy ideas etc.
I could not FACE the N level. I must have done this as a survival skill. I could not have wants and needs as a child. I HAD to give them up and try to just swim in my M's 'waters"
Then,,I thought that I was "bad' for having wants(pure wants)
So, I was conditioned to be the same way AFTER I left my M's house.
I was as"stuck' as when I lived there.
Thank you for letting me have a place to talk. .Healing is a matter of survival for me. I have to do it . It is my life's passion and I can't stop until I am well. Love Ami.
