Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Normal Mothering
Less:
Can't believe what I am learning here - there is so much truth in all the posts.
Yes MM yes. -one-downmanship. It's been there all my life. No need to find a 'reasonable' explanation. I instinctively never mention any accomplishments, events, friends in my life - gives her a target.
I wish I wasn't responsible for her. She is like a black widow spider to me - sting, paralyze and suck the juices out.
God you guys are good! LOL
Less
mighty mouse:
E,
I remember you writing in another post that you had 9 "kids" in your family. And I'm sure you "kids" sat around and thought up ways to bug your Mom, right? That's why you are EVIL.....LOL. Maybe a spawn of the devil NMom?
I'm not sure (still referring to another thread here, sorry), but did you say that you were the peacemaker in the family? That may have been someone else. But that was my role and of course I wasn't any good at it since with Ns everything is a moving target.....love, approval, peace. It gave me a feeling that I couldn't accomplish anything. I have overcome that though. I realize it's up to me now to change the tape in my head. But I lived with the feeling that I couldn't complete a task all the way through.
Where are you in the mix...oldest, youngest or in between? And did you have to not only parent your parent, but younger sibs as well?
Thanks for pointing out the insidiousness of the covert N. If she was slapping me around and stuff, I could identify clear abuse. But with these clever sons of gun like my Mom, it was really crazy making. And she was one of these types who perpetuated the myth of the perfect family. It took me years to unravel that one.
She and my Dad were extremely proud of the physical comforts they could give us. And they did. We never went without dental work, decent clothes, etc.. So I guess they saw those things as being more important than actually interacting with us. And they did work hard. So it's hard to really say they did anything wrong in most people's eyes. If I hadn't read "People of the Lie" and "The Narcissistic Family" I would have thought all of this was just in my head. But my sibs are aware to varying degrees of the havoc that went on in our house, but I don't think any but maybe one or two have come to my conclusion. What about your siblings. Anybody still attached? Or have they cut the ties mostly too?
MM
el123:
MM, I was more of the scapegoat in my family than the peacemaker. I was the quiet, shy, never got in trouble kid who was an easy target for my raging Nmom. The rest of my family basically would tell her off. I was too sensitive to do this. I felt horrible making her feel bad. I preferred the abuse to knowing that she was hurting. Horrible way for a kid to live.
W
--- Quote ---here are you in the mix...oldest, youngest or in between? And did you have to not only parent your parent, but younger sibs as well?
--- End quote ---
I am third from the oldest. And, yes, I had to parent my parent. My other sisters parented the younger sibs in general but I parented my youngest brother. I was generally isolated from the other kids for one reason or another (my Nmom usually didn't want my 'influence' on them. Still have no idea what that means. I never even got a bad grade, much less had a problem with anyone outside of the family). I was always surprised when ever I'd go over a friend's house and their moms would love me. I always thought that I was unloveable and that they just felt sorry for me or something.
--- Quote ---But with these clever sons of gun like my Mom, it was really crazy making. And she was one of these types who perpetuated the myth of the perfect family. It took me years to unravel that one
--- End quote ---
.
I always found the crazy making the worst thing. I spent years thinking that there was something wrong with me. In fact, still I think this but just not to the same extent. I know what you mean about the myth of the perfect family. My mother did the same thing. It's completely bizarre and just another form of crazy making.
--- Quote ---What about your siblings. Anybody still attached? Or have they cut the ties mostly too?
--- End quote ---
Pretty much everyone else knows my mother is 'crazy'. Half are hyper attached (i.e. my 35 yr old brother goes over for lunch every day and my mother still does his laundry. And another sister has my mother raise her kids for her basically). But my youngest brother has basically cut off all ties. Also, me and a few other siblings minimize contact with her. What it comes down to is that we 'do' love her despite it all. We just can't get too close or we get zapped. Take care, -E
Portia:
Dear Bunny:
--- Quote ---Because of early formational interactions with N parents, we have pockets of "child-like" cognition. Some of our neurological development was traumatized/frozen and some cognition/emotion remains in a child-like state. This could cause problems with becoming triggered easily and reacting impulsively rather than thinking of options (which is more adult and less child-like
--- End quote ---
fascinating and describes what I think of myself. Where can I get more info on the effect on children of Ns, in this sort of vein? i.e. causes, effects and hopefully how to either manage effects or grow up out of them...any suggestions gratefully received! Thank you, P
Anonymous:
Therapy's purpose is to get development going again. Generally it's a combo of insight, internalizing the therapist's adult parts, and making efforts to practice adult behaviors. We all have "pockets of disorganization" that won't go away completely but they can get smaller and more manageable.
bunny
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version