Author Topic: Communication - Clarification and Substance  (Read 2432 times)

Leah

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Communication - Clarification and Substance
« on: December 07, 2007, 05:21:04 PM »
This may be of interest, or, it may not ........ but, it truly has been for years now, most insightful and helpful to me ...


Cyberspace Communication

Have you ever noticed how conflict can get blown out of proportion online?

What may begin as a small difference of opinion, or misunderstanding, becomes a major issue very quickly.

Conflict can be difficult at the best of times, but what is it about online communication that seems to ignite and make conflicts more difficult to resolve?

There are a number of reasons to explain why conflict may be heightened online.

One is the absence of visual and auditory cues.  When we talk to someone in person, we see their facial expressions, their body language, and hear their tone of voice. Someone can say the exact same thing in a number of different ways, and that usually effects how we respond.

For example, someone could shout and shake their finger at you, or they could speak gently and with kindness. They could stand up and tower over you, or they could sit down beside you. How you feel, interpret, and respond to someone's message often depends on how they speak to you, even when it's a difficult message to hear.

In online communications, we have no visual or auditory cues to help us to decipher the intent, meaning, and tone of the messenger.

All we have are the words on a computer screen, and how we hear those words in our head.

While people who know each other have a better chance at accurately understanding each other's meaning and intentions, even they can have arguments online that they would not have had in-person.


Projections and Transference

While many people are convinced that how they read an email is the only way it can be read, the truth is, how we read a text, or view a work of art, often says more about ourselves than it does about the message or the messenger.

All of our communications, online and in real-time, are filled with projections.

We perceive the world through our expectations, needs, desires, fantasies, and feelings, and we project those onto other people.

For example, if we expect people to be critical of us, we perceive other people's communication as being critical - it sounds critical to us even though it may not be.

We do the same thing online; in fact we are more likely to project when we are online precisely because we don't have the visual or auditory cues to guide us in our interpretations.

How we * hear * an email or a post is how we hear it in our own heads, which may or may not reflect the tone or attitude of the sender.

We usually can't know from an email or post alone whether someone is shouting, using a criticizing tone, or speaking kindly.

Unless the tone is clearly and carefully communicated by the messenger, and/or we are very skilled at understanding text and human communication, we most likely hear the voice we hear, or create in our head and react to that.

This is one of the reasons why controversial or potentially conflictual issues are best dealt with by using great care and explicit expressions of our tone, meaning, and intent.

Where do projections come from?

They come from our life experiences - how we've been treated, how important figures in our lives have behaved, how we felt growing up, how we responded and coped, etc.  All of us project or transfer our feelings and views of important figures in our lives onto other people.

To take a look at your own projections or transference with people online, think back to the last time you felt angry at someone online.

What was it about them or their email that made you so angry?

What did you believe that they were doing to you or someone else?

How did you react internally and externally?

Was your reaction to this person (whether spoken or not) influenced by someone or something from your past?

While it certainly happens that people are treated with disrespect and anger online, if there are any parallels between this experience and any of your past experiences, it's likely that how you felt and responded was coloured by your past.

When our past is involved, particularly when we are unaware of it happening, we invariably project and transfer old feelings onto the present situation.


Question:   What's going on in the * backroom *  ?

« Last Edit: December 10, 2007, 11:56:56 AM by LeahsRainbow »
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JanetLG

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Re: The Psychology of Cyberspace
« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2007, 05:27:07 PM »
That's an interesting article, Leah. Is it from a book, or another website...?

It's not just online that things get confused, though - I write instruction sheets for the kits I sell, and I can go over and over them, get other people to test them out...and you can bet your life that as soon as I put them on sale, someone will read it and get COMPLETELY the wrong end of the stick!! Guaranteed!

Janet

Leah

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Re: The Psychology of Cyberspace
« Reply #2 on: December 07, 2007, 05:31:16 PM »
Dear Janet,

Having worked in commerce and IT industry all my life career.

had to give training and guidance regarding communications using messaging and emails

Directors had the greatest conflicts

Some would make your hair curl !!

I now author technical books and such.

Love, Leah

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Leah

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Re: Cyberspace Communication - our Feelings and Perception
« Reply #3 on: December 07, 2007, 05:39:42 PM »


Tips for Resolving Conflict Online

What can be done to prevent unnecessary conflict in cyberspace?

The following are tips for handling conflict online with respect, sensitivity, and care:


Don't respond right away

When you feel hurt or angry about an email or post, it's best not to respond right away. You may want to write a response immediately, to get it off your chest, but don't hit send!  Write it!  Delete it! 

Wait! before responding.


Read the post again later
 
Sometimes, your first reaction to a post is a lot about how you're feeling at the time.  Reading it later, and sometimes a few times, can bring a new perspective. You might even experiment by reading it with different tones (matter-of-fact, gentle, non-critical) to see if it could have been written with a different tone in mind than the one you initially heard.


Discuss the situation with someone who knows you

Ask them what they think about the post and the response you plan to send.  Having input from others who are hopefully more objective can help you to step back from the situation and look at it differently.


Choose whether or not you want to respond

You do have a choice, and you don't have to respond. 

You may be too upset to respond in the way that you would like, or it may not be worthy of a response. If the post is accusatory or inflammatory and the person's style tends to be aggressive or bullying, the best strategy is to ignore them.


Assume that people mean well, unless they have a history or pattern of aggression

Everyone has their bad days, gets triggered, reacts insensitively, and writes an email without thinking it through completely.  It doesn't mean that they don't have good intentions.


On the other hand, some people pick fights no matter how kind and patient you are with them. They distort what you say, quote you out of context, and make all sorts of accusations all to vilify and antagonize you. 

Don't take the "bait" by engaging in a struggle with them - they'll never stop.  Sometimes, the best strategy is to have nothing more to do with someone.


Clarify what was meant
 
We all misinterpret what we hear and read, particularly when we feel hurt or upset. 

It's a good idea to check out that you understood them correctly. For example, you could ask, "When you said...did you mean...or, what did you mean by..."    Or, "when you said...I heard...is that what you meant"   

Often times, what we think someone said is not even close to what they meant to say. Give them the benefit of the doubt and the chance to be clear about what they meant.


Think about what you want to accomplish by your communication

Are you trying to connect with this person?   Are you trying to understand them and be understood?

What is the message you hope to convey?  What is the tone you want to communicate?  Consider how you can convey that.


Verbalize what you want to accomplish

Here are some examples, "I want to understand what you're saying."   "I feel hurt by some stuff that you said. I want to talk about it in a way that we both feel heard and understood."   "I want to find a way to work this out. I know we don't agree about everything and that's okay.  "I'd like to talk with you about how I felt reading your post."  "I hope we can talk this through because I really like you. I don't want to be argumentative or blaming."


Use * I * statements when sharing your feelings or thoughts

For example, "I feel..."   versus   "You made me feel..."



The Paradox of Online Communication


Handling conflict constructively is hard at the best times, and it can be even harder online.

It can take a great deal of effort, care, and thoughtfulness to address differences, tensions, and conflicts online.

Paradoxically, some of the same things that contribute to heightened conflict online can contribute to peaceful resolutions as well.

The internet is an ideal place to practice communication and conflict resolution skills.

Just as the absence of visual and auditory cues, the anonymity, invisibility, delayed reactions, and neutralizing of status free us to say what ever negative thing we want, they can also free us to try new, and more positive communication styles and to take all the time we need to do that.

As with any new technology, the internet can be used to enhance our personal growth and relationships, or to alienate us from each other.

It's our choice.
« Last Edit: December 08, 2007, 08:28:49 AM by LeahsRainbow »
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Re: The Psychology of Cyberspace
« Reply #4 on: December 07, 2007, 05:58:53 PM »
Leah, this is excellent stuff and so true!

I don't have much time now, but just wanted to thank you for sharing this article.
I've been one who's *heard* posters' *voices* and intonations when reading text  (I know, I know - my imagination has often worked against me, and yet again... it's been amazingly accurate at times!!)

Anyhow, I'm all for counting to 10 (or more) before responding, asking questions for clarifications, etc, etc... whatever it takes in the interest of clarification, AND - - -
beyond that, once a pattern of behavior/misbehavior has been evidenced and established, keeping plenty of distance from provocative sources.

Much love to you... I am really enjoying your posts now that I've had a bit more time for reading....
AND - - - Lord willing, I'll pick up my new Christmas laptop tomorrow and learn how to type on that and participate more  :D

Love and hugs to you,
Carolyn

Leah

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Re: Psychology of Cyberspace -- our Feelings and Perception -- Tips
« Reply #5 on: December 07, 2007, 06:04:56 PM »
Leah, this is excellent stuff and so true!

I don't have much time now, but just wanted to thank you for sharing this article.
I've been one who's *heard* posters' *voices* and intonations when reading text  (I know, I know - my imagination has often worked against me, and yet again... it's been amazingly accurate at times!!)

Anyhow, I'm all for counting to 10 (or more) before responding, asking questions for clarifications, etc, etc... whatever it takes in the interest of clarification, AND - - -
beyond that, once a pattern of behavior/misbehavior has been evidenced and established, keeping plenty of distance from provocative sources.

Much love to you... I am really enjoying your posts now that I've had a bit more time for reading....
AND - - - Lord willing, I'll pick up my new Christmas laptop tomorrow and learn how to type on that and participate more  :D

Love and hugs to you,
Carolyn


Bless you ((( Carolyn )))

Wanted to post this eight months ago, but refrained.

Bit tentative today about posting it, but this time it felt right to do so.


oooh lovely, a nice new Christmas laptop  :) 

You deserve a treat.

Many thanks for your love and encouragement.

Much Love,

Leah
« Last Edit: December 07, 2007, 08:34:23 PM by LeahsRainbow »
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isittoolate

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Re: Psychology of Cyberspace -- our Feelings and Perception -- Tips
« Reply #6 on: December 07, 2007, 08:45:58 PM »
This also makes me think of writing or even speaking with the inflection in the wrong place, usually as though a comma is there.

What's that on the road, a head?

What are we having for dinner tonight, mother?

Izzy

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Clarification in our Communication
« Reply #7 on: December 08, 2007, 08:42:35 AM »
Dear Izzy,

Communication is altogether a most fascinating subject.

And in particular, I have an appreciation for the subheading in the tips section entitled  "Clarify what was meant"
 
As we all, from time to time, misinterpret - what we hear and what we read, particularly when we feel hurt or upset. 

Think it would be beneficial if we could engage in checking out that we have understood what someone has * said * correctly, with respectful courteous engagement, which is after all what we would do with friends in real life.

And I truly appreciate the examples of ... 

you could ask, "When you said...did you mean... or, "what did you mean by..."    or, "when you said...I heard... is that what you meant"   


At the end of the day, as is says in closing;   the choice is ours


Love, Leah


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changing

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Hi Leah-

The request for clarification rather than a mean-spirited unilateral interpretation is certainly key here, as you have pointed out. Courtesy in general is waning in so many faces of modern life, and this is taking it's toll on society and on individuals. There are those on this board, like you Leah, who really care about giving helpful information and support , and are scrupulously polite (and I don't mean priggish) yet sincere, and this is something I cherish as everyday city life can get too wild and wooly for my personal bent at times. You remain consistently kind, patient, courteous, intelligent and good company despite whatever is going on about you, which is a real credit to your character. I love to be able to share  and know  always that you will respond in a sincere and courteous way, whether the topic is serious or whimsical or spiritual.

Cohesive societies, such as many early Native American groups, were able to live successfully and in harmony with each other and nature for relatively long periods of time, and an elaborate system of manners was an important lubricant in their interactions. I fear that the abrasiveness and vile discourtesy of modern life bodes ill for humankind and for the natural world as well- a general lack of concern and value for people and things viewed as "outside", rather than seeing a community and a world as a part of one's own life. Thank you for exemplifying a consciousness of the value of others and a demeanor which exudes good will and friendship, as well as a sense of humor!

Love,

Changing

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Leah

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Hi Leah-

Cohesive societies, such as many early Native American groups, were able to live successfully and in harmony with each other and nature for relatively long periods of time, and an elaborate system of manners was an important lubricant in their interactions. I fear that the abrasiveness and vile discourtesy of modern life bodes ill for humankind and for the natural world as well- a general lack of concern and value for people and things viewed as "outside", rather than seeing a community and a world as a part of one's own life. Thank you for exemplifying a consciousness of the value of others and a demeanor which exudes good will and friendship, as well as a sense of humor!

Love,

Changing

Have you ever read "Talk to the Hand"? Funny,yes, but sadly true.


Dear Changing,

My sincere thank you for your openness and thoughtfulness which is truly of great value, and sincerely wholeheartedly appreciated. 

Your discourse on today's societal behavioural trends are very much akin to my thinking and understanding.

Regarding;

Cohesive societies, such as many early Native American groups, were able to live successfully and in harmony with each other and nature for relatively long periods of time, and an elaborate system of manners was an important lubricant in their interactions.

Oddly enough, for a while now, have considered the way in which the early Native American groups lived in harmony with one another, and have read insightful material on the subject also.  They were very spiritual people, and also, astute, wise.  What is so striking is that communication was clearly evident and effectively operative within their community.

Also, recently, have been reading a book 'Ancient Americas by N J Saunders, which is most interesting.

Back to society today ...

... Communication - Healthy, Respectful, hence effective.  Sadly, we seem to have so little grasp of this vital skill and it's wealth.


Have you ever read "Talk to the Hand"? Funny,yes, but sadly true.

No, I have not read this book, I have read 'Eats, Shoots and Leaves' by Elaine Truss, and had placed "Talk to the Hand" on last year's Christmas Wish List  :(   Had read such great reviews on the book - poignant but true - and yes, funny too!  Many thanks, for the nudge, reminder, as I would like to read it, and it should be available in the local library (which is small) which all being well, I shall be visiting on Thursday.


Sincerely yours,

Love, Leah

« Last Edit: December 08, 2007, 09:15:09 PM by LeahsRainbow »
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Leah

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Re: Communication - Feelings and Perception - Clarification - with helpful Tips
« Reply #10 on: December 10, 2007, 07:44:06 AM »
In reality, this ought to be included here on this thread, as it is a vital tool in communication, rather than simply left to drift alone on the 'interpretation' thread.


Please Note:  This is not N related


Perception issues is a topic that I have wanted to post on for some time now.

Having studied (as in looked at) the subject of Perception quite a few years ago now.

And also, it was included in the training for my voluntary work.

..... An expression on one's face - incorrectly perceived

..... A tone of voice - incorrectly perceived

..... A message in written form - incorrectly perceived

..... A behaviour or attitude - incorrectly perceived


The above I have experienced on both sides of the (non N) fence, in the workplace, among friends, in all social settings.


Allow me to share my very own personal illustration of Perception as being a primary tool of life, and that, if it is incorrect by either party in any given situation - then a 'ball of confusion' starts rolling ....

...... down a hill covered with snow all the while gathering in mammoth proportion and running out of control.





Sincerely,

Love, Leah

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Leah

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Re: Communication - Taking to Time to Hear
« Reply #11 on: December 10, 2007, 12:10:24 PM »
Something that I have given a great deal of time and consideration to as;

Communication is wonderful and fascinating, on a world wide level, as is my multicultural experience.

What's always important is taking the time and giving time to one another in clarification for correct interpretation and meaning.

Truly have an appreciation for the subheading in the tips section entitled  "Clarify what was meant"
 
As we all, from time to time, misinterpret - what we hear and what we read, particularly when we feel hurt or upset, or are dashing about tired and too busy - to really stop, listen, and engage. 

Think it would be beneficial if we could engage in checking out that we have understood what someone has * said * correctly, with respectful courteous engagement, which is after all what we would do with friends in real life.

And I truly appreciate the examples of ... 

You could ask, "When you said...did you mean... or, "what did you mean by..."    or, "when you said...I heard... is that what you meant"   


At the end of the day, in all honesty, as it says in closing;   the choice is ours


To use our voice and form of expression in taking the time to ask genuine questions, to really engage in a meaningful way.


Rather than merely * leaping about * or simply dashing around, never hearing what is truly said, never really engaging.

All without any real meaning or substance.

At the end of the day, in all honesty, as is my realization;   the choice is alway ours, and ours alone.

Realization of personal responsibility and accountability in communication is key.

Communication is about others, not just ourselves.


Truly is a most fascinating world wide subject.


Perception skills play an immensely important role in good communication.


Whether 'online' or 'face to face' in person -- communication is about people and personal lives.

Human life is precious after all.


"Time is of the essence"


Sincerely,

Love, Leah

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seasons

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Re: Communication - Clarification and Substance
« Reply #12 on: December 10, 2007, 04:13:04 PM »
Leah,

Thank you so much for generously sharing this information. Most helpful and kind. Blessings seasons
"Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak Kindly. Leave the Rest to God."
Maya Angelou

Hermes

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Re: Communication - Clarification and Substance
« Reply #13 on: February 02, 2008, 07:55:36 PM »
I just ADORE these counsels of perfection LOL. 

If we were perfect (as in saints) then maybe this is how it would work.

Hermes