I understand, CB.
I'm a bit frustrated with my ability to caretake boundaries
appropriately, at the moment. Read that as
consistently.
If Hops feels he was just not up to the date.... and
making excuses..... then it doesn't matter the reason, IMO.
He's having
issues and they aren't about
her.
Maybe he pops back up, at some point?
Maybe he explains what he was going through and trusts her with
something personal.
::Taking 2 big steps back::NOW....... does she cock her head, offer understanding and support..... go all
AWWWWW for him and pledge support?
or does she sense manipulation, a play for sympathy, get up in the middle of coffee and say....."tell your story walk'in, brother."?
See...
now that's the dilemma
I have.... that's the sticking point
for me.
Red flags are rather concrete symbols for me.
I've had moments of
brilliance and moments of "OMG I can't believe I IGNORED that RED FLAG!" so.......
my position is one of self care and caution, yup yup yup.
I know I can make excuses for people and compromise myself to the point of becoming voiceless. Now.... how can I honor myself, allow/require others to honor me and ensure things remain reciprocal, on the whole?
By watching what people do...... listening to what they say...... and trusting myself
BEFORE I've made the first excuse for them.I'm in a different position than you are..... no doubt.
I've watched myself make that first excuse so many times over the past 20 years. Many many times.
I've also had the luxury of watching myself
NOT make the first excuse.....
There was a man.... I met after I filed for my first divorce during a trip to Toronto... he was in a show and we had dinner afterwards...... my sister knew him and we got to meet the cast, you'd recognize him if you saw him, sandy haired cute can sing and I was so happy to FEEL that way again..... very attractive and passionate.... one of those people who embraces life and grabs the world by the lapels people!
I really wanted that in my life at that time. During dinner... he leaned over and said "Are we going to make out like teenagers later tonight?"
I liked him and he was so NOT what I usually like.... it was a night for entertaining new possibilities.... and he was full of those. ::Nodding::
The chemistry was over the top..... unexpected and NO I didn't sleep with him that trip.
I went back home and what did he do?
WHAT DID HE DO?
Actor boy didn't call, on ONE occassion,
when he said he would.
I sat by that phone....staring in
disbelief.
It didn't ring! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO RING! WE HAD A DATE! Right, lol?
Yes, we did.
He phones with this story " My children's
snake died.... I had to take it's little dead body to the vet for them to deal with" hmmmm... that excuse went over like a
ton of bricks with me..... and I pretty much let him know that.
Besides, his children lived in California... it wasn't like they had to reach around the frozen body of their little companion to get to the turkey franks if he didn't take it to the vets the very moment it died, which just happened to be whe he was supposed to be calling me
at 7pm.
I never felt the same about him, something in my stomach just clicked and that was that.
No, I didn't want to go to Paris and paint with him for 2 months... cancelled that trip.
No, I don't want to experience intense chemistry with you on the phone, on a plane, on a train, in a car, on a boat.... ::shrug::
He figured out that I wasn't interested in future calls..... about 5 more calls down the road. WHY DIDN'T I JUST TELL HIM not to call any more?
Was I hoping he'd TALK ME INTO letting him stomp my boundaries?He certainly tried and it just ticked me off...... I finally stopped answering his calls.
Why is it so hard to say.... "I'm afraid I don't believe a word you say after that silly snake story, my friend.... please don't call again."
His parents live near me.... he visited them and phoned a few more times over the next couple years..... I;ve held firm with
him, but I've made excuses for plenty of
other people.
Ummmm... why?
I know how this stuff works..... I should be able to
trust myself, esp when I know
I KNOW things, lol.
I think Hops
knows things too.
I believe you know things, CB.
That's the thing.... it's good to question.... it's good to honor that still small voice inside us.... no matter which direction it goes.... for the right reasons.
I would never wish for someone to be so defensive that they say NO to good things and people.
It's just sometimes hard to tell who's good and who's going to step on our boundaries, KWIM?