Waaaah! My date cancelled!--BUT ALL'S WELL!

[Leah]

Dear (((( Changing ))))

Here's a hug for you and a warm lemon drink with honey to soothe and heal your throat.

Thinking of you

with prayers for a speedy recovery!

Love, Leah

[lighter]

I get what you're saying CB. 

I really do but..... there's a very fine line between questioning the tapes in our heads.... and making the first excusefor someone who's really not honoring us the way we deserve to be.



If the guy calls Hops back promptly.... sets up another coffee....  she can re think it.

Does she lose anything by beleiving in her gut?

If she doesn't burn the bridge or close the door?


I'm all for questioning the gut but...... I have to listen to it, at the very least: )

[Hopalong]

Thanks, everybody!
He's probably sick, but he might've been making a classic excuse ("I've got a bug".)

Good insight that he might've gotten scared too.
I hope not.

But.

Either way, time will show what was what.
If he reschedules, we start fresh.
If he doesn't, moot point anyway.

It's a no-lose deal, since (drumroll)...Reality is my friend.

Glad y'all enjoyed my day.
Burmese food is deeeelicious.
Seafood soup, some amazing noodley thing, sushi, tofu...

yummm.
I gave them 4 new blankets. They need everything.
Read some books with the babies.
I love babies!

xo
Hops

[axa]

Hops,

Whether he was ill or not I am so pleased that you did not allow the disappointment to cast a cloud over your day............sounds real healthy to me.  WELL DONE

axa

[changing]

Hoppy-

You are so...cool! Giving blankets is such a loving symbol. Your decency and humanity imbues everything and everyone in your life with spiritual meaning. I am always amazed by you, Hoppy!
Axa- How are you doing? I have been thinking abut you (((((Axa)))))
Lighter- Listening to the gut is certainly wise and prudent.
CB- You are such a good role model for me- not letting Stinkin NH take your innate heart and hope and trust from you!
Leah- Thank you for your prayers, I did all that I was taught to do, no talking, warm fluids, etc- still all that came out was croaking at rehearsals, and I felt like falling over! Maybe it's for the best, as I will have to let the house repair stuff wait and just stay in bed and study.

Bottom line is, we all adore Hoppy and want her to be happy and have a man  in her life who is worthy of her (not many are as she is a rare jewel)!

Love and Best Wishes To All,

Changing

[lighter]

I understand, CB.

I'm a bit frustrated with my ability to caretake boundaries appropriately, at the moment. Read that as consistently.

If Hops feels he was just not up to the date.... and making excuses..... then it doesn't matter the reason, IMO. 

He's having issues and they aren't about her.

Maybe he pops back up, at some point?

Maybe he explains what he was going through and trusts her with something personal.



::Taking 2 big steps back::


NOW....... does she cock her head, offer understanding and support..... go all AWWWWW for him and pledge support?

or does she sense manipulation, a play for sympathy, get up in the middle of coffee and say....."tell your story walk'in, brother."?

See...

now that's the dilemma I have.... that's the sticking point for me.

Red flags are rather concrete symbols for me. 

I've had moments of brilliance and moments of "OMG I can't believe I IGNORED that RED FLAG!" so.......

my position is one of self care and caution, yup yup yup.

I know I can make excuses for people and compromise myself to the point of becoming voiceless. 



Now.... how can I honor myself, allow/require others to honor me and ensure things remain reciprocal, on the whole?

By watching what people do...... listening to what they say...... and trusting myself BEFORE I've made the first excuse for them.

I'm in a different position than you are..... no doubt. 

I've watched myself make that first excuse so many times over the past 20 years.  Many many times.

 I've also had the luxury of watching myself NOT make the first excuse.....

There was a man.... I met after I filed for my first divorce during a trip to Toronto... he was in a show and we had dinner afterwards...... my sister knew him and we got to meet the cast, you'd recognize him if you saw him, sandy haired cute can sing and I was so happy to FEEL that way again.....  very attractive and passionate.... one of those people who embraces life and grabs the world by the lapels people! I really wanted that in my life at that time.  

During dinner... he leaned over and said "Are we going to make out like teenagers later tonight?"    

I liked him and he was so NOT what I usually like.... it was a night for entertaining new possibilities.... and he was full of those.  ::Nodding::

The chemistry was over the top..... unexpected and NO I didn't sleep with him that trip.

I went back home and what did he do?

WHAT DID HE DO?

 Actor boy didn't call, on ONE occassion, when he said he would. 

I sat by that phone....staring in disbelief.

It didn't ring!

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO RING!

WE HAD A DATE!  Right, lol? 

Yes, we did.

He phones with this story " My children's snake died.... I had to take it's little dead body to the vet for them to deal with" hmmmm... that excuse went over like a ton of bricks with me..... and I pretty much let him know that.

Besides, his children lived in California... it wasn't like they had to reach around the frozen body of their little companion to get to the turkey franks if he didn't take it to the vets the very moment it died, which just happened to be whe he was supposed to be calling me at 7pm. 

I never felt the same about him, something in my stomach just clicked and that was that. 

No, I didn't want to go to Paris and paint with him for 2 months... cancelled that trip. 

No, I don't want to experience intense chemistry with you on the phone, on a plane, on a train, in a car, on a boat.... ::shrug::

He figured out that I wasn't interested in future calls..... about 5 more calls down the road.  WHY DIDN'T I JUST TELL HIM not to call any more? 

Was I hoping he'd TALK ME INTO letting him stomp my boundaries?

He certainly tried and it just ticked me off...... I finally stopped answering his calls. 

Why is it so hard to say.... "I'm afraid I don't believe a word you say after that silly snake story, my friend.... please don't call again." 

His parents live near me.... he visited them and phoned a few more times over the next couple years..... I;ve held firm with him, but I've made excuses for plenty of other people. 

Ummmm... why?

I know how this stuff works..... I should be able to trust myself, esp when I know I KNOW things, lol. 

I think Hops knows things too.

I believe you know things, CB.

That's the thing.... it's good to question.... it's good to honor that still small voice inside us.... no matter which direction it goes.... for the right reasons.

I would never wish for someone to be so defensive that they say NO to good things and people. 

It's just sometimes hard to tell who's good and who's going to step on our boundaries, KWIM?

[CB123]

I understand completely, Lighter.  I hope you dont beat yourself up over that fact that you were tremendously attracted to someone who didnt call when he said he would. 

For me, the REAL fear is not that I can't trust the other person, but that I can't trust myself.  My fear is that if I am taken in by someone, that it says something about who I am.  Stupid.  A patsy. A victim.  Pitiful.

But I'm not.  Even if I screw up and trust someone beyond what they can be trusted.  I'm not stupid.  I'm just human.  We all make mistakes--thinking the worst of someone innocent, trusting our hearts to someone who won't cherish them.  I think, for me, the issue is really whether or not I can trust myself.  Be gentle with myself.  Pick myself up after I screw up and say I'm okay. 

Isnt it funny? (not really  )  We trust our NH's over and over and over.  They say that they will keep this agreement.  They will sign these papers.  Honor this commitment.  And we think that they really will--even though time and again they have proved us wrong.

And then we peer suspiciously at every new person that comes into our lives.  (I really do).  What did she mean when she said that?  Was she lying?  Covering up?  Why was he late?  Is he screwing with me?

Over and over, I come back to myself.  Am I okay?  Yes.  I am okay.  If I misjudge a situation or a person, I won't die.  I don't have to let it continue indefinitely, hoping that they will prove my initial judgement correct and get me out of the hole I'm in (realizing my initial judgement was dead wrong).  I don't have to give them my opinion of my self and ask them to shore it up for me. 

Love ya, Lighter.  We'll make it.

CB

[Ami]

I L learned s/thing very simple from my Aunt. She can make a mistake and it does not define her.I have talked to her many times. Each time, I get another dose of sanity. She made a big mistake and she simply told me about it w/out shame. She felt "badly" BUT it did not define her in any way.It was simply based on human weakness and error.
  I made a mistake  last week. I wanted to go in to a shame cycle. I did a little bit,but I remembered my Aunt.
  There IS "normal' behavior out there. I have been so indoctrinated by my N mother that I live in a "small" world " where  the rules are "Alice in Wonderland'.
  I HAVE  lived in this world. NOW,I want to live in a peaceful ,centered world where I can take care of myself--emotionally. That is my next goal now that I have FINALLY faced the truth about my M.
                                                          Ami

[lighter]

I understand completely, Lighter.  I hope you dont beat yourself up over that fact that you were tremendously attracted to someone who didnt call when he said he would. 

CB

That's the thing.... I didn't beat myself up or spend any time feeling badly about being attracted to him.... I refiled him immediately and kept moving.  I had a wonderful time, while it lasted.... I count that relationship, beginning to end, as a complete success and wouldn't change a thing about it.

 Not one.

I could have continued doing things with him, knowing that he wasn't exactly mate material.

  I honestly didn't have the patience and I'm pretty sure I have even less for that kind of thing now, though lite and fluffy sometimes looks pretty good, with the right perspective.

 I once dated a little French tennis pro who made me laugh and laugh and laugh....... no way in the world was he marriage material but..... I did love laughing with him.  There was a time and a place for fluff and stuff in my life.... I guess we should never say never.

I wish I'd been brave and capable enough to trust myself to refile people pronto, despite their feelings and protests in the matter.

Both those guys helped move me out of a deep funk and for that, I'll be eternally grateful. 

The older I get..... the less BS I'm interested in. 

Once we're 30.... it's time to stop repeating mistakes..... and make some new ones.  I guess I was 34 at that time. 

Learning and growing, rather than beating ourselves up, should be the goal.
((CB))

ps... I never beat myself up over being tremendously attracted to anyone..... what bothers me is when I ignore flags then suffer bc of it.

I have some pretty good instincts..... I'm not going to waste any energy denying them at this stage in my life. 

I must say..... when I told actor boy my sad tale of divorce woe...... he looked me in the eye..... teared up and said......

"That....

was.....

 so real."

Ummm... he was assuming I was acting.... and he was critiquing my work, lol; ) 

[towrite]

((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))

You deserve comfort.

[Hopalong]

Thanks, I'm glad this thread opened wide...

I wrote him a friendly "hope you're feeling better". But I think it's over without ever having begun.

Good opportunity to check out my radar. My radar says he will not contact me again, that he's scared himself out of a date. One reason I think that's possible is that he's in his 50s and never married. One reason I was so eager to meet him is that I am moved by his creative work, which relates to a deformity he was born with. (Has been corrected.) But I was very eager to meet him because we do have a lot in common. He may not know that now, but he could find out.

What were the signals? (BTW, it was an online thing. I let it lapse after 6 months--few responses once you're older than 55-- but he was the last one to write me before that.)

His first email was friendly and interested in me. Very open about himself, who he is, where he teaches, etc. His full name.
So I responded, said I'd be glad to have coffee and show him my town (he's a little over an hour away, new to the sate).

No response. So I wrote again...wondering if it was something about the subscription lapsing?
And once more, because I hadn't told my old email address about my new email address, and it'd been screwed up, not forwarding.

I got a response about how he was overwhelmed with schoolwork, that was all. Fair enough. He's a new prof. Suggesting a date.
So, we made a date. He was going to stop here on his way to visit an old HS friend in another town.

Shortly before the day, he emails "Just in Case" giving me his cell number, and saying "I hope there won't be ice.." Ice? I had seen no weather report suggesting ice. So from that, I starting to think he was feeling avoidance. Putting the chance-to-cancel in place.

Could be over-reading it, but that's how it seemed. So hesitant about following through.

So the next morning when the phone rang an hour before we were to meet I knew it would be him. In fact, I probably startled the heck out of him because I answered my phone by saying: "There IS no ice!"    (No, "hello". Nobody I know calls me early Sat. a.m.!) So he was kind of stammering and said, "I've gotten a bug, didn't feel good last night, so this would not be good, etc...." and I said, "For real?" and he goes, "umm, yess, maybe next weekend?" etc, etc and I am feeling exasperated and untrusting, but I finally came around (just took a minute) and sympathetically told him I hoped he feels better, and wrote him the same last night.

Adding it up, I can see that I emailed him more than he did me, I am more eager than he, and so forth. Right away, if I'm not careful, it's out of balance. It's okay, no damage done. But I do feel that he has a little something to prove or I would not want to meet.

If his life was so impacted by his early struggles, and it may have been, he may be so damaged he's not capable of relationship even though he wants one. And he has my compassion and sympathy, but not my hopes.

And there it is. I'm not upset. Well, really...only a very little bit. I am sorry he hasn't responded in a confident and respectful way that would enable me to feel trust. But that's just his stuff. Not my problem.

I would enjoy meeting him as a fascinating person, and perhaps we could be pals if he comes through. But no romance is likely, I think. Who knows?

Life's full and lots of fishes in the sea, etc...

thanks so much for all these thoughts.

love
Hops

[Leah]

Thanks for sharing Hops

all of which clearly clarifies why you confidently expressed your doubt,
at the start of this, your thread, regarding his 'excuse' for cancelling on Sat.

As you say, lots of fishes in the sea 

Love, Leah

[lighter]

Hops, lol.....

"there is no ice!"

That was so funny.... I can't believe he didn't crack up and tell you he'd meet you in an hour.... but not everyone has my sense of humor. 

I do think it's his stuff.... and not yours. 

Your on track and he may get situated and less overwhelmed at some point.... make you feel safe and take you out for that coffee, you never know; )

[axa]

Cb,

What has been so in my thoughts is how little I trust myself so I was so pleased to read your response.  I trust the untrustworthy but not me.  I wondered about why we trust people who are quite obviously, in your face, not trustworthy and for me it is about being so needy.  I overlook everything in the hope that i will get the love I want.  Its like sailing out to sea when you want to get the train to the city..........it does not bring you to the appropriate destination.  Thank you for bringing this up.  I find it useful and also will think about dipping my toe in the water again, or should I say moving towards the train station!

Changing,

Thank you for acknowledging me.  I am doing ok, mostly good, very busy with study and writing papers other than that not doing anything much.  I had a good routine set up for myself, meditation, walking/running, going out but have abandoned it all AGAIN.  I did have a reason as I was busy with college work but at the same time I lost my balance.  Determined to get back into the routine again.  I felt wonderful when I was taking care of myself.  Also fell into bad eating habits and dont want to go there again.  I find it difficult to stay in adult mode but need to get back there because it feels sooooooooooo GOOD.

I hope you are doing well and am grateful for you kind and adult feedback over the past year and a half.

xxx

Axa

[Hopalong]

Well, I never.

______________  [speechless]

Huh.

Just got a nice email and it's clear he WAS sick, not hiding.
Hasn't set a new date yet.

My gosh.
Bowl me over with a feather.

Hops