Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Names
October:
It looks like this is fairly common, then. In some cultures people are given a secret name, that only they and the giver - a kind of sponsor or godparent figure - ever know. I think maybe we need something like that. Something that belongs only to us.
((((((((hugs to all)))))))))
C
yuki:
My family had a weird thing about my name too. For most of my life my dad wouldn't say my name. He called me by my initials. It was NOT a cute, affectionate nick name, it was a way of keeping an emotional distance from me - I sensed that even when I was very young. I hated it - it felt like having a serial number instead of a name. The other one I got was "kiddo" which I also hated. It felt condescending and generic. I've always felt disconnected from my last name - it feels like something that belongs to them and not me.
Karin guest:
I'm just sitting here remembering a few things about names in my family.
*My father and his five siblings (all from the same mother and father) all had different surnames because they all had differing opinions to what their surname should have been because one of their forebears was (gasp!) illegitimate.
*My brother has a hyphenated surname (like my parents) but when I was born Mum put a stop to all that nonsense. So I was different from them with just the one.
*When I met my future husband he decided to call me by my middle name because he liked it better. (Big clue to his future Narcissism??) I didn't respond to it at all so I told him that he better call me by my real name which is Karin.
I've always been comfortable with Karin, though I pronounce it the English way, and not the German way which my parents intended and called me by.
So, I made it my own.
Anonymous:
Interesting thread.....
I had noticed that my exNH tended not to use peoples names. Especially those that he was "close to." I wondered about that tendency and what it was all about before I found out about Narcissism.
He would call us by our title or category. For example, I was called "Wifey." And he would often call his daughters, "Daughter" or more specifically, "Youngest Daughter." When talking about me to his daughters he would almost invariably refer to me as "your wicked Step-Mother."
He even called the dog, "Dog!" as in "Come here, Dog." Not officially though, the dog did have a name, but come to think of it, the dog had the name already when he got him.
He would also assign nicknames to people rather than call them by their given names. The nicknames were usually a "dig" of some sort, not a nickname that one would choose for oneself.
The real kicker was a young, male friend of ours that he admired tremendously for his intelligence. He was called "Junior!" How N is that ??!!!
When I became aware of his N-ness, I saw this as a symptom. There is the emotional distancing part of it, yes. Since we are not really human to them, it just wouldn't DO to give us names.
But, the way that my exNH did it, I also see it as a boundary issue. We were all assigned "names" that described US in relation to HIM, as extensions of him. By calling us that, he could "own" us and we were not considered separate from him. Scary stuff......
Now I really pay attention and try to make sure to call everyone, especially the ones that he dehumanized by their given names.
Incidentally, two of his three daughters have ceased all contact with him. The third comes and goes, more often gone. One of them is planning on changing her name to her mother's maiden name as she doesn't want to be identified with him at all anymore.
Gingerpeach
October:
--- Quote from: Anonymous ---
He even called the dog, "Dog!" as in "Come here, Dog." Not officially though, the dog did have a name, but come to think of it, the dog had the name already when he got him.
When I became aware of his N-ness, I saw this as a symptom. There is the emotional distancing part of it, yes. Since we are not really human to them, it just wouldn't DO to give us names.
But, the way that my exNH did it, I also see it as a boundary issue. We were all assigned "names" that described US in relation to HIM, as extensions of him. By calling us that, he could "own" us and we were not considered separate from him. Scary stuff......
Now I really pay attention and try to make sure to call everyone, especially the ones that he dehumanized by their given names.
Gingerpeach
--- End quote ---
That is sooo interesting, Gingerpeach. We had a dog too, called Ben, and my mum called him 'dog', and she does that with the dog from next door now, and she and dad both say 'he', although the dog is a bitch, and is called Georgie. They seem not to care that there is a name, or even about the sex of the animal. My mum treats Georgie really weirdly, imo. She always gives her biscuits, and then is surprised that the dog comes back over and over. She says giving her biscuits is the only way to get her to go home. I think in her fantasy world she is St Francis over again. :D
And when my parents went out for the day with my daughter and her friend, they didn't bother learning the friend's name; they just called her nothing at all, and now just refer to her as 'C's friend', if at all. It is as if differentiating people is just too difficult for them.
I think your point about labels rather than names is very perceptive. I shall look out for that now. And strange how when I first became unwell, my identity was only 'C's mum'. I had nothing else, especially not a name.
My brother calls his three boys by their names most of the time, but he also refers to them as number one son, number two son and number three son. When the third one was born I remember my dad putting this in a card, with pictures of them, and saying number three son and counting, so that clearly resonates with him.
Cathy
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