Author Topic: Personal code of conduct  (Read 1959 times)

Gabben

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Personal code of conduct
« on: December 09, 2007, 11:24:26 PM »
Hi Everyone,


After having a run in on this board and getting some pretty cold shoulders from people I have felt like leaving this board. But, I think my voice is valued here and I will give it another shot.  But first, I would like to write my own personal code of conduct:

1. My posts will never be passively directed to anyone on this board as if to say:

"I hope they read this -- I'm trying to tell them or others something."

There may be times when I would like to share some valuable insight, articles and topics that have opened my eyes and helped me in my healing journey -- I will never have any one particular person in mind when I post these subjects, in other words, I'll never target someone.

2. I will never followup someones post or thread with belittling comments.

3. My posts, I hope, are here to inspire others and myself, encourage others and myself and support others in there ongoing healing.

4. I will treat all people, even those I do not wish to connect with, with respect, dignity and sensitivity.

5. I will use my voice if I feel slighted or feel that there is passive aggression being directed to me. This means that I will speak up and tell my truth -- I will stand up for myself (at the risk of losing popularity). However, I will only do this if I feel that the person could benefit from my speaking up even if they are unwilling to acknowledge their part or apologize. Tomorrow, I will post an article that is precisely about this topic -- I hope this helps clear up this point.

6. I will never play headgames with people - I will be direct and honest but with sensitivity.

7. I do not expect anyone to treat me the way that I treat them (refer to #7) But it would be nice.

8. I will check for my blind spots and persue ongoing healing.

9. As a full member now I will do my best to read posts and threads as well as peoples stories. I will try to respond as best I can.  If I do not respond it is only because I could not find anything to say or I did not get a chance to read it. I would rather have a real response other than something contrived. That means that when I do respond to people it is coming from my heart and my motives are grounded.


If I need to add to this list, I will.

I want this to be a safe board for me and others, I will work my best to do that. (I have a feeling that I am not going to last long here) -- but I'll stay optimistic.


Until later -- peace.

Lise



Oh, I will do my best to refrain from posting in Cap letters since it tends to get perceived as shouting.


« Last Edit: December 10, 2007, 04:23:57 PM by Gabben »

lighter

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Re: Personal code of conduct
« Reply #1 on: December 10, 2007, 07:12:35 AM »
Gabben:

I don't read every post on every thread.... I don't even read every thread, so it's not clear to me what yo're referring to... don't want to revisit it just say......

I'm just glad you're willing to be open and start again.

Standing up for yourself is what this board is about.

Just be aware that everyone may stand up for themselves...... everyone has a voice.

I love the idea of living the way you want your reality to BE..... setting the example you wish everyone would follow..... that's all we can do. 

Peace




gratitude28

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Re: Personal code of conduct
« Reply #2 on: December 10, 2007, 07:45:44 AM »
Lise,
Thnak you for being honest and saying what needs to be said. I find it helpful to remember here that we all grew up in sick households and are all recovering in some way. There have been times the atmosphere has become hostile here. I usually check out or scale back during that time. I do think the good outweighs the bad here. I also think your guidelines are great and I hope all will take them to heart. Sometimes I think it takes a while to remove drama from your life when you have been accustomed to it for so long.
I have said this before here - I "take what I need and leave the rest." In that sense, not every thread will be useful for me. But if I see someone really needs some input, I try to add something kind or helpful.
I am really glad you are here, Lise.
Love, Beth
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

Ami

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Re: Personal code of conduct
« Reply #3 on: December 10, 2007, 08:48:35 AM »
Dear Lise,
  I am glad that you will be here.I would miss you very much if you left.It is precious to have a place to find your own voice.
 I have learned so much about myself(good AND bad) from the board.
 We did not have a chance to find our voice when we were younger. We were trying to survive. Dr G gave us the best gift(IMO)
  I hope that you stay. You have MUCH beauty to discover in yourself. Claim that beauty,Lise    Love   Ami

(((((((((((Lise)))))))))))
« Last Edit: December 10, 2007, 09:16:22 AM by Ami »
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Overcomer

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Re: Personal code of conduct
« Reply #4 on: December 10, 2007, 09:46:57 AM »
Good goals.  I found this board in 2004. I have drifted in and out as my needs change.  Over the years I have seen several fights.  I have seen people go in a huff.  I try to not get in the middle of things and a couple of times I stopped posting in a thread when I felt people were provoking something.  So with all that-we appreciate your voice and your boundaries and we are happy to have you here!
Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"

Gabben

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Re: Personal code of conduct
« Reply #5 on: December 10, 2007, 01:46:57 PM »
This is really long but it is a really interesting read -- clarification to number #5

Keep in mind that, when coping with feelings of hurt    
and insult, anger, being an emotion, is not something    
you can ever "get rid of." As long as you are alive there    
will be times when you are insulted and feel hurt. And,    
as long as there are times when you feel hurt and insullt-    
ed, you will be pulled down into unconscious fantasies    
of revenge.
   
But once you notice that you feel hurt you have a choice,    
You don't have to accept blindly the unconscious slide    
into revenge.
    
On the one hand, you don't have to 'get angry," That    
is, you don't have to fly into a rage and scream at oth-    
ers, shout curses, or become abusive or violent. If you    
tell yourself, "Yes, I hurt, But it is not so much another    
person hurting me as it is human nature itself hurting    
me, and there's nothing I can do about it, except refuse    
to return hurt for hurt, sin for sin," then you can feel    
compassion for the person who hurt you, and you can    
be forgiving.
   
Violence, after all, is nothing more than a fear of    
love. And when you fear love, where do you turn?    
You turn to pride-the pride of your own self-de-    
fense.
   

   
There's a great secret here that philosophers have    
known for ages. And it's a secret only because it's so    
obvious that no one bothers to notice it.    
 
Consider the nature ofwater, a weak and lowly sub-    
stance that flows freely around all obstacles. If you    
live a life of the same "humility" as water, even the    
jaws of hell cannot bite into you. But the more solid    
you become in the pride of your own strength to    
avenge yourself against insult, the more those jaws    
have to grasp onto-and once they have you, then    
you can't fight free, no matter how many bandoliers    
you have draped over your shoulders.
   
So the more you let go of your "identity the more    
you "die" to yourself in perfect humility-the less    
you have to defend; and the less you have to de-    
fend, the less reason you have for anger.    

On the other hand, all of this does not preclude the    
possibility that there may be times when you have to
stand up-to defend yourself or to defend others-and
say something about the ugliness that everyone wants
to ignore or deny. To be quiet-to stifle your feeling offended-
is, also a fear of love and a slide into revenge,
In these situations-whether in your family, among
friends, or at work-when you experience feelings about
anything, you need only express those feelings openly.

The key to all this, however, is that you speak up as
soon as you feel the first inkling of injury
-and this
means that you have to be very good at recognizing
the feeling of hurt in the first place.

You must speak up well before the hurt turns to anger and has any
chance to build into something destructive.
Just learn to speak your inner experience honestly
in the moment. You don't have to understand why
you are feeling what you're feeling in the moment;

just communicate what you're feeling.

It should be no surprise, however, that most persons do
not like to hear the "truth" about themselves, so a lot of
anger can come back at you for being blunt and honest,

and you might feel the urge to back down.

In keeping your mouth shut, though, you will be trapped
in the vindictive satisfaction of watching others suffer    
in their own sins. So, if you resist the pull to shrink    
back, then you will find freedom, You will discover a    
part of yourself that you can trust to guide you through    
disputes without injuring yourself or others-because    
you will be motivated not with unconscious anger and    
revenge to defend your identity - but with love for the    
good of others.    

When you do speak up, keep in mind an important    
psychological-social fact: You cannot control the    
behavior of others.    

Therefore, whenever you feel the need to say some-    
thing, ask yourself what you want to happen as a    
result. If your answer is anything like, "I want this    
person to .. ." then you probably have the wrong    
motive. But if your answer is more like, "I just want    
to clear my conscience and offer the opportunity    
to heal this relationship. Whatever this person does    
thereafter is up to him," then you are probably on    
the right track.    

Lest all of this seem too difficult and threatening,    
just remember that in really loving families all their    
good-natured bantering and humor is really a psy-    
chologically healthy way to release feelings of slight    
and injury.


Gentle humor-in contrast to biting sar-    
casm-can, therefore, work wonders.

So there you'have it. Someone insults you, you feel the
pain, you speak up if necessary, and you forgive, Still,
after all this, you might be feeling some lingering emotional
arousal, What do you do then? Well, just let
that last bit of hurt melt into deep sorrow for the entire
world.

Finally, note that even though you can be forgiving
about hurts and insults, this does not automatically
mean that you will also be reconciled with the person
who hurt you, For the two of you to be reconciled, the
other person must (a) recognize the very real injury inflicted
on you and consequently (b) repent that injury
and make reparation to you. (See Chapter 12,)
'Thus the religious concept of "praying for your enemies"
can be expressed psychologically as simply hoping that
the person who has injured you will ultimately recognize
his or her destructive behavior and repent it-as
opposed to your wishing for that person's destruction
and thereby preventing any hope of reconciliation.

Saint Teresa of Avila once had a vision of hell; the
place was so horrifying, she said, that she wouldn't
wish it on her worst enemie ~ Think about that.
« Last Edit: December 10, 2007, 01:49:33 PM by Gabben »

Gabben

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Re: Personal code of conduct
« Reply #6 on: December 10, 2007, 01:56:59 PM »
Hi Bean,

Thank you so much for your post. Your words of encouragement and welcome have made a big difference for me. Yes, I was feeling a little frightened, worried and squished recently. But it was a good growing experience and now I am looking forward continuing this board.

Up until I read your response, ((Beth's)) and ((OC's)) I was feeling squished...but I think I got my voice back now, thank you all!!!

Lise

Gabben

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Re: Personal code of conduct
« Reply #7 on: December 10, 2007, 02:01:10 PM »


I don't read every post on every thread.... I don't even read every thread, so it's not clear to me what yo're referring to... don't want to revisit it just say......



I think you are exactly right, I don't know what I was saying either...LOL  :D

Lise

lighter

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Re: Personal code of conduct
« Reply #8 on: December 10, 2007, 03:21:05 PM »
Again.... welcome Gabben: )

seasons

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Re: Personal code of conduct
« Reply #9 on: December 10, 2007, 04:16:27 PM »
Thank you, Peace to you and all. ((seasons))
"Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak Kindly. Leave the Rest to God."
Maya Angelou