This is really long but it is a really interesting read -- clarification to number #5
Keep in mind that, when coping with feelings of hurt
and insult, anger, being an emotion, is not something
you can ever "get rid of." As long as you are alive there
will be times when you are insulted and feel hurt. And,
as long as there are times when you feel hurt and insullt-
ed, you will be pulled down into unconscious fantasies
of revenge.
But once you notice that you feel hurt you have a choice,
You don't have to accept blindly the unconscious slide
into revenge.
On the one hand, you don't have to 'get angry," That
is, you don't have to fly into a rage and scream at oth-
ers, shout curses, or become abusive or violent. If you
tell yourself, "Yes, I hurt, But it is not so much another
person hurting me as it is human nature itself hurting
me, and there's nothing I can do about it, except refuse
to return hurt for hurt, sin for sin," then you can feel
compassion for the person who hurt you, and you can
be forgiving.
Violence, after all, is nothing more than a fear of
love. And when you fear love, where do you turn?
You turn to pride-the pride of your own self-de-
fense.
There's a great secret here that philosophers have
known for ages. And it's a secret only because it's so
obvious that no one bothers to notice it.
Consider the nature ofwater, a weak and lowly sub-
stance that flows freely around all obstacles. If you
live a life of the same "humility" as water, even the
jaws of hell cannot bite into you. But the more solid
you become in the pride of your own strength to
avenge yourself against insult, the more those jaws
have to grasp onto-and once they have you, then
you can't fight free, no matter how many bandoliers
you have draped over your shoulders.
So the more you let go of your "identity the more
you "die" to yourself in perfect humility-the less
you have to defend; and the less you have to de-
fend, the less reason you have for anger.
On the other hand, all of this does not preclude the
possibility that there may be times when you have to
stand up-to defend yourself or to defend others-and
say something about the ugliness that everyone wants
to ignore or deny. To be quiet-to stifle your feeling offended-
is, also a fear of love and a slide into revenge,
In these situations-whether in your family, among
friends, or at work-when you experience feelings about
anything, you need only express those feelings openly.
The key to all this, however, is that you speak up as
soon as you feel the first inkling of injury-and this
means that you have to be very good at recognizing
the feeling of hurt in the first place.
You must speak up well before the hurt turns to anger and has any
chance to build into something destructive.
Just learn to speak your inner experience honestly
in the moment. You don't have to understand why
you are feeling what you're feeling in the moment;
just communicate what you're feeling.
It should be no surprise, however, that most persons do
not like to hear the "truth" about themselves, so a lot of
anger can come back at you for being blunt and honest,
and you might feel the urge to back down.
In keeping your mouth shut, though, you will be trapped
in the vindictive satisfaction of watching others suffer
in their own sins. So, if you resist the pull to shrink
back, then you will find freedom, You will discover a
part of yourself that you can trust to guide you through
disputes without injuring yourself or others-because
you will be motivated not with unconscious anger and
revenge to defend your identity - but with love for the
good of others.
When you do speak up, keep in mind an important
psychological-social fact: You cannot control the
behavior of others.
Therefore, whenever you feel the need to say some-
thing, ask yourself what you want to happen as a
result. If your answer is anything like, "I want this
person to .. ." then you probably have the wrong
motive. But if your answer is more like, "I just want
to clear my conscience and offer the opportunity
to heal this relationship. Whatever this person does
thereafter is up to him," then you are probably on
the right track.
Lest all of this seem too difficult and threatening,
just remember that in really loving families all their
good-natured bantering and humor is really a psy-
chologically healthy way to release feelings of slight
and injury.
Gentle humor-in contrast to biting sar-
casm-can, therefore, work wonders.
So there you'have it. Someone insults you, you feel the
pain, you speak up if necessary, and you forgive, Still,
after all this, you might be feeling some lingering emotional
arousal, What do you do then? Well, just let
that last bit of hurt melt into deep sorrow for the entire
world.
Finally, note that even though you can be forgiving
about hurts and insults, this does not automatically
mean that you will also be reconciled with the person
who hurt you, For the two of you to be reconciled, the
other person must (a) recognize the very real injury inflicted
on you and consequently (b) repent that injury
and make reparation to you. (See Chapter 12,)
'Thus the religious concept of "praying for your enemies"
can be expressed psychologically as simply hoping that
the person who has injured you will ultimately recognize
his or her destructive behavior and repent it-as
opposed to your wishing for that person's destruction
and thereby preventing any hope of reconciliation.
Saint Teresa of Avila once had a vision of hell; the
place was so horrifying, she said, that she wouldn't
wish it on her worst enemie ~ Think about that.
