Guilty As Charged- I Am Dying Inside

[changing]

Thank you Izzy for not hating me in my weakness, as I do now. He was 16, and very affectionate, and very loved. I just wish that I had kept him with me that last night.

[Gabben]

Thank you Gabben- It is so terrible when you are responsible for an innocent soul and you fail-you understand, though you were a blameless child.

Thank you Ami. Poor little guy- I miss him so much. How could my husband just leave him like that? He may have taken him eventually if I hadn't gone NC, though he did this before, with an old and ailing dog, and he never reclaimed him. Eventually the doggie passed away, and my dog howled for many days with grief. His animals love him with all of their hearts, but he is somehow able to leave them, even get new pets.

This cycle had to end, with my husband coming and going and never really bonding or whatever it is- but it is hard at this moment. Thank you for helping me work this out and expose my true guilt and shame.

Changing - from your story you seem pretty blameless too - Love Lise

[changing]

Thank you Lise- My guilt is that knowing that he was frail and had medical conditions for a long time, as well as  newly added stress, I didn't keep him with me the night he passed. I thought I could make it up to him in the morning. Life had been hard on him recently, anyway. I just didn't think that I could function with him unsupervised on that night- I was afraid that if he made a huge mess, there could be a big deal made of it if someone came in unbidden, and the way I had things made it easier to care for everybody and keep them out of harm's way or from getting outside. The cops thing really shook me up and put me into siege mode. And the kitty paid a big price, for the divorce and for the things that I did to protect us. I wanted to be sure that if I were arrested for some bogus charge or some other crazy thing happened, everyone would be safe and easily taken care of. Oh I just failed him, is the bottom line. Poor thing.

[changing]

Thank you everyone. I appreciate you help and support, as I am so isolated in life. I know that I failed, but I must learn from it and improve instead of giving up, as I was feeling like doing. I am so sorry about the kitty and his death and I cannot ever let myself fail like that again, ever. Perhaps I should have quit law school as was offered, and perhaps I should have handled everything differently- it may have meant the difference. But I can only go on now and grieve for the poor little guy and own my failure and the guilt that is my just reward, and try to do better. Thank you for helping me with this- I was drowning.

[Ami]

I am glad you feel a little better Changing.             Love   Ami


((((((((((((Changing)))))))))

[Hopalong]

Changing, honey...

Animals are not upset about dying. When it's time, they just do it.
Sweetheart, really. YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG BY TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF LAST NIGHT.

You did the RIGHT thing.

Please, consider this:

The kitty may have needed to die. Cats know when it's time to do it, and they do it as wisely and simply as they give birth. This old kitty was just worn out. NOT BECAUSE OF YOU BUT BECAUSE IT WAS OLD AND SICK. So the kitty knew it was time to die, and guess what?

I think the kitty was waiting for a chance to do it, because it would have been harder to die with you beside it, distressed.

Cats often choose to die alone. THEY ARE NOT PEOPLE. They know, instinctively they know, this is simply a command of nature to obey. And they do it.

Only when we anthropomorphize them, project our own losses into them, is their death difficult.

Think...this kitty's pain is gone. This is a good thing.

And you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. No failure.

I know all about being a human imperfect caregiver. It's okay. Keeping him alive another week/month or whatever would not have been a gift. He found release when he needed it, and I believe he was waiting for the chance to let go.

Please let your guilt go along with his spirit, and let it be a fact of nature.

Nature is neutral. He had a good life with you. He was in a house with a person who emitted love. He knew it, whether you were in the same room or not.

Okay?

Much love and a big hug and gentle passing-of-the-tissues...please keep posting, hon.

You will have perspective on this soon. And you'll know it's not your fault.
It was a loss on top of loss, dear.

You deserve a good cry and a big hug and you are a GOOD Mom.

love,
Hops

[changing]

Thank you Hoppy. I just wish that I had done what I would normally do- my whole life and the life of the kitty was upended needlessly and wastefully, it has been tough for the entire household, and he felt it the most. This is absolutely the worst part of the whole divorce process for me, it is like the loss of an innocent during war, with the innocent being in my keeping. A truly stunning blow. I feared for the pets when my husband left, that he would cause them to be harmed or homeless. In my heart of hearts I fear that my trying to do too many things and to protect us all  in my stupid ways has killed the most vulnerable pet. I am consumed with a sad dread, like the one depicted in "The Grapes of Wrath" when Grandma died and they drove on... did I make a mistake, should I have just surrendered to my fate, or stopped by the side of the road? I am truly a fool and my foolishness ended in death. I must learn but cannot make reparations- that really hurts. Thank you for your help and gentle insight.

[finding peace]

Dear Changing,

Hops is very right:

The kitty may have needed to die. Cats know when it's time to do it, and they do it as wisely and simply as they give birth. This old kitty was just worn out. NOT BECAUSE OF YOU BUT BECAUSE IT WAS OLD AND SICK. So the kitty knew it was time to die, and guess what?

I think the kitty was waiting for a chance to do it, because it would have been harder to die with you beside it, distressed.

Cats often choose to die alone. THEY ARE NOT PEOPLE. They know, instinctively they know, this is simply a command of nature to obey. And they do it.

My cousins had indoor/outdoor cats - every cat they had, despite a lifetime of love, they walked into the wilderness and did not come home.

Please, no guilt.  Hops is right.

Only warm gentle hugs to yourself right now.

(((((Changing))))))

Much love,
Peace

[changing]

Thank you Peace. I only hope that I did not contribute to his death or any pain. I did not feel like this when my father died- I had done all that I could, my father had made the decisions that ultimately seale his fate, but now I feel that I should have done things differently. The kitty didn't decide. But he is gone... Thank you for letting me expose my guilt - I will not expiate it this way but will learn to face it.

[Iphi]

Oh changing.  ((((changing)))) I am just reading now.  I am sorry for the loss of your kitty, though I agree with Hops.  And I know, and YOU know, that if you knew he was going to die you certainly would have been there.  There was no indication other than his general age and frailty.  You have no control over it.  It is outside your control.  You cannot control it.  There is nothing you can do.  Nothing.  This happened beyond your ability to do anything about it.  You cannot be everywhere and do everything and you cannot make everything safe for everyone, though it is a great credit in you that you want to.

And your exH sucks and is a dangerous creep.  Not to digress but once I turned from reading a post of yours and shared with my H that you had posted your H would often tell you how he planned to kill you.  We agree that he meant it - it's that obvious.   Someone like that doesn't care about animals - only himself and the adoration that comes his way.  

You have always (I am sure) provided a haven for all your pets and have continued to do so.  Do not imagine for a moment that you kitty did not know and feel your love and never doubted it.  We shut our cats up parts of the day depending on what is going on and they don't mind it at all.  As Hops says - cats are cats, not people in furry bodies - they have cat ways, not people ways.  

Please give yourself your humanity, which is to do as much as humanly possible.  And you do.  You can't do more as it is not in your power - and that includes anticipating things you cannot know, being there for appointments that are not made, and controlling things that cannot be controlled such as the natural and easy passing of an old kitty.  Had it not been easy you would have been at the vet with him.  You know that.

Protecting yourself is the right thing!  You are priceless NOT worthless.  Don't you DARE give in to that psycho and his creepy psycho mischief.  Don't you even think about throwing yourself away!  Going forward is the right thing.

You know we aren't here on earth for keeps.  We are all just passing through, kitties too.  The death rate of the planet earth is holding steady at 100%.  The best use of our time is to love as fully as possible (NOT including throwing ourselves away, let me explicity mention in case there is any ambiguity on that point) and to keep learning.

There are a bunch of lying phantom voices from the past who are dragging at you and I'd like to see you tell them to get lost and stand strong in your self respect and self-knowledge that you really have done right by your kitty and all your pets and that you are right to defend yourself and live your life.  It's true.

[Hopalong]

Hon,
He wasn't happy.
HE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN HAPPY IF LIFE WAS SETTLED.

His kidneys were failing, they hate the humiliation of incontinence.
He was ready to go, and he took his chance and went.

You did NOT kill him. There was no "killing". It was a natural death.

(What's been killed is your marriage and you are shuddering from the N's violent effect on your own precious life, which is a long long long way from over....). Maybe, just a little bit, you identify with the vulnerable kitty.

You are our sweet spirited amazing Changing.

This is a very painful thing, but don't let it take on dark meanings.
Please don't. That's not fair to you.

more love,
Hops

[changing]

Thank you Iphi and Hoppy.  I really do think that the stress and such contributed to the kitty's passing but it is true- my husband was intent on killing me if he had stayed, and has abandoned animals before, took a dog to the pound during his first marriage that belonged to his first wife because he barked or something, left one at a park... We once had a natural disaster here and were living separately- I had to go rescue his cats because he just left them at his place with nothing while he took himself to safety!The pets are a huge Achilles heel of mine- I could never leave them , get rid of them, or farm them out, mine or his, so I am somewhat like a fish in a barrel, as are they. He has no ties so he is free to do whatever he pleases,damn the consequences for others. Thank you for reminding me of the dynamics here, as I am in so much pain I wasn't seeing the whole picture. I am grieved but maybe less hateful of myself for having to upset things. I just wish that I did better for the kitty, and will have to live with that. He was a warm sweet boy.

[finding peace]

Dear Changing,

I had a cat who meant the world to me.  She was my lifeline for a very long time.

She became sick.  At first it was just a little vomiting, but then she became a bit listless.  I took her to the vet.  A week later she was gone.

I was absolutely heartbroken, and completely guilt-ridden, because I saw subtle signs, but they didn’t register until after she died.

I was so upset I called her vet.  She told me that even had I taken her in sooner it wouldn't have mattered.  It was her time.

I told her I felt awful because I didn't see the signs and she must have been in pain.  The vet told me that it is very difficult to tell with cats, it is their nature, they don't feel pain to the same degree that we do, and life and death is a much more natural process for them.

Looking back (it has been eight years now), I went through all that guilt, second guessing myself, wondering if I could have done better for her.  Today, I get a visual image of her taking a playful swipe at me for all that worry.

You know – she had this really cute habit.  She would hide behind a door, and when I came into the room, she would jump up on her hind legs stretch her forelegs wide (she looked like a little bear), grab my leg.  Smack me a couple of times, and take of running.  I still miss her. 

:::::crying gentle healing tears with you, I know what you are going through, they are our friends and children::::::::

Please hold on, allow yourself a little peace now.  You are overwhelmed and it is no wonder, you have been through so much.  It has been another tremendous blow on top of so much stress. 

Much love to you changing
Peace

[changing]

Thank you Peace for sharing your experience (((((Peace and her playful kitty girl))))) and the information from the vet, and for understanding and crying with me. It is a blessing to me.

[lighter]

((Changing))  Every kitty we ever had chose to go to a private spot and breath it's last breath alone.

Friend's cats have done the same.

It's like Hop's said..... they don't see it as a loss.... it's as natural for them as birth and kitty isn't sad right now..... kitty's at peace.

No longer sick.

You're a good kitty mama. 

Please don't lose another minute blaming yourself.  You're just overwhelmed..... and I understand the kind of overwhelmed you are right now.

I cried and cried when I missed a little tea at my 4yo's school bc I was being taken apart in a deposition, which had me a bit scattered anyway. I'd managed to stay for the little show but I never even made the connection that there was something to follow.  I was just too overwhelmed.

When I went to pickher up, the principal of the school said..... "If You'd have just told us you wouldn't be there, we would have found another mama to sit with her."  I just broke down right there in the parking lot on that poor woman.

It wasn't just the little tea...... it was what my life had become that I was mourning.  What my children were losing OF ME.

What had been taken from us and I wasn';t sure if I'd ever live without being under siege again at that time. 

Nothing lasts forever though..... right?

((Changing))