Guilty As Charged- I Am Dying Inside

[Leah]

Dear ((((((( Changing )))))))))

Truly sad to * hear * of your kitty having to leave you.

Can't add the tremendous amount of support and sound advice conveyed here already.

All I can do is offer my sincere empathy and understanding based upon the experience that was mine when my kitty had to leave me.

Even now, cherished memories remain in my heart.

Much love to you with a warm hug.

Leah

[seasons]

changing I am so sorry for your loss of your loved cat. My heart breaks for you while you are in a mist of pain. Everyones replies are so true, I especially feel Hops is sharing the truth, it's not your fault sweet changing.

As time passes may you be comforted with the memories of your dear loved pet.

With deepest sympathy seasons ((((((((love and hugs)))))))))))

[changing]

Lighter, Leah, and Seasons-

Thank you for your help with my guilty feelings and pain. It is very true that I am overwhelmed and feel that I failed as a result, to do at least what I would normally do. This has extended through every aspect of my life- I have no dining furniture, no living room furniture, the rest of my life is ridiculous, I am still fearful of my husband and his guns, especially since I have learned of new activities and where he is probably living and with whom. Not a part of decent law abiding society perhaps, which may explain his desperation to get his guns against his doctor's advice- he may be living among outlaws with connections to less-than-honest police. There is a decidedly dangerous element involved. I gave my lawyer  the information that I have and he did some research of his own, says  that it is "interersting" but wants to keep the divorce as simple as possible, though he does make cryptic references to " Client scared to death due to currently unnamed reasons" (I didn't like this- I thought he should leave me out and just refer to him, but perhaps he is laying a foundation in case it gets ugly with the court, for bringing in the documentation about my husband's current lifestyle).

I usually don't mind the expense and inconvenience so much, but this has hurt a defenseless creature and I can no longer pretend to be living normally. I have spent my money and my time and worked like a dog, and my main interest was my and my pets' security and trying to go to school and make a ew life- and yet in my foolishness, a pet is gone and I don't feel that I did all that I should have or that what I did was correct. I felt that maintaining a facade of normalcy was important and added a layer of protection, and wanted to directly please my pastor, etc as well as maintain the secret of my life as it is. I cannot undo my mistakes now.

My friends are afraid of my husband and they don't even know the half of it. I have no contact with the pathetic remnants of my  family and if something happened to me I am afraid that my pets would be put in the pound. The school has photos of my husband at every guard entrance. My one almost normal social setting is at church- they know only a fraction there of what is going on, and I seem semi-normal there. Still, I shouldn't have gone to that stupid choir practice and should have said "NO" but I don't tell people what is happening, was embarrasssed to even say that I was sick, and was contacted directly by the pastor. I did not want to go at all. I should have had the kitty wiith me that night instead of just crashing in bed afterward- I don't know what he may have needed, and he did want to be with me. I just thought that I would cuddle him in the morning. He is gone now, and the damage done.

Thank you for your help in seeing the whole picture and for being my friends. It means the world to me.

Love,

Changing

[Ami]

((((((((((((Changing)))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

I don't tell people what is happening, was embarrasssed to even say that I was sick, and was contacted directly by the pastor.

Surely, hon, church could be one place you could share exactly what your reality is right now?
Remember, it's not permanent. It's a terribly hard chapter but it's not the book. But meanwhile, you so richly deserve love and support and caring company (and a chair to sit on!) not only here, but in 3-D life. School is covered in a legal and police sense, but what about the rest of you?

You would be a friend to treasure. In my experience, when people in my church admit openly when they are vulnerable and need support (as in, not "normal") the congregation receives that vulnerability as a GIFT. An opportunity to live out our commitment to be a beloved community. Truly. We appreciate it when we are allowed to help. We are all knit closer together as we take turns.

This is your turn, hon. No facade required, I hope.

With love to you, and gentle comfort,
Hops

[lighter]

Lordy Loo, Changing.

I see so much of myself in you.

I started putting my children into my bed when I got really frightened..... that's something I never did before all this craziness started.

They were happy and secure in their own beds and now I'll have to deal with getting them comfortable there again, at some point.

If I beat myself up over it..... crush myself for making changes and doing all the other things you're talking about (not telling the half of it yet all your friends are afraid of your H) I'd go crazy.

We're just overwhelmed.... not crazy.

Quit being so hard on yourself.  

This is a lengthy race.... you've paced yourself well.... the kitty threw a wrench in your stride.

Get it back and remember to be kind to yourself.

You're an extraordinary apponent and don't fault yourself for preparing for battle.

You had to do that AND you continued to care for the animals, go to school, pay your bills, improve the house and deal with the slow frustrating legal system while living in fear of your life.

You even took time to offer support to other people and I'm very very amazed at your ability to juggle so many balls as well as you have.  

That many balls can't be perfectly juggled..... that you're juggling them all at once.... is amazing.

[changing]

Thank you Ami, Hoppy and Lighter for your support. I have been in churches such as you describe Hoppy, but currently I don't feel safe in expresing what is happening in detail. They have some idea about people coming to the house trying to break down the door, etc, but I can't elaborate as I believe that my husband remains in the same community, except he is now embroiled in a horrible and bizzare new lifestyle, which must be why he has tried to hide his home address, etc. I don't think that it is safe to trust the diverse people in a church or group therapy or anywhere with absolutely everything, absolutely trusting the "honor system". Still, I value their

My lawyer has advised me to have all of my husband's stuff taken to opposing council's office and left there, as I have devoted much effort and expense to getting things together and making appointments, etc. Tomorrow they are supposed to submit answers to the form interrogatories requesting basic information. I wonder what will come of this?

I have to take stock of myself and regroup. Lighter, you are so right about my mindset. Except I can't make things up to the kitty, he is gone.That is the torment for me. I can deal with hardships but not wronging that little guy, with no way to make amends. The thought is a thorn in my flesh.

Ami, thank you for your constant support and understanding.

Thank you all again for being there and helping me to things out. It has really helped me to survive.

Love,

Changing

[Gabben]

Thank you Lise- My guilt is that knowing that he was frail and had medical conditions for a long time, as well as  newly added stress, I didn't keep him with me the night he passed. I thought I could make it up to him in the morning. Life had been hard on him recently, anyway. I just didn't think that I could function with him unsupervised on that night- I was afraid that if he made a huge mess, there could be a big deal made of it if someone came in unbidden, and the way I had things made it easier to care for everybody and keep them out of harm's way or from getting outside. The cops thing really shook me up and put me into siege mode. And the kitty paid a big price, for the divorce and for the things that I did to protect us. I wanted to be sure that if I were arrested for some bogus charge or some other crazy thing happened, everyone would be safe and easily taken care of. Oh I just failed him, is the bottom line. Poor thing.

Changing...you seem pretty blameless to me, there was A LOT going on in your life, as I read this. Sometimes, I'm not saying you are doing this, but underneath the self-blame is just a bunch of tears and hurt over the losses, struggles and weight of responsibility in our lives. Your gentle...it shows.

Question, were you the oldest child in your family?

Hugs,
Lise

[changing]

Hi Gadden-

I had a very much older brother who was institutionalized after brain damage from meningitis. I wasn't even told about him until I was an adult and my father wanted my help with the hospital. I have an older brother who is an Ivy League professor and businessman, very successful, a true genius and independent from the age of 16- he didn't come to my father's funeral. I was born late in my parent's reproductive years, and not too many years after they divorced. It is true that I was more protective of my older than brother than he ever was of me, and of course, the poor brother in the hospital- I felt protective of him, and his plight really brought my parents' N ways into focus, though I didn't know the name for it then. It caused the big break in our relations when I tried to help my brother. I have tried to do my duty by them, but neither cooperated fully, but I am more or less at peace with that. My father at least paid money and monitorred things. My mother semed blase when I told her that her firstborn had died. She hadn't seen him since he was a tiny child.

Both parents had substantially given up on their parental roles by the time I was growing up, so I am a feral person, lived in foster homes for years, and am now living in society among people like a lone animal in a residential area. I try to cause no harm, but I am isolated so I can be vulnerable.

Love,

Changing

[changing]

Thank you Shunned. I messed up in the one thing that is important- my responsibility to innocent creatures. I have to let go of some juggling. Thank you for being my friend and talking  me through this- it is too horrible and I was going mad with shame at my failure and skewed priorities..

Love,

Changing

[Hopalong]

golly, Changing.

Is there no way you could communicate to your older brother that some financial help would be much appreciated?

 

Hops

[changing]

Hoppy-

This may sound odd but I never thought of asking anyone in my life for financial help. I have aske for help for others. I have tried to ask for my brother's help with our other brother when he was in extremis, but he was not interested. I also tried to ask for his help with our mother and her Parkinson's condition, she won't let me help her and is ashamed of me- she wants a relationship with him, though not with me. He wasn't interested, he said- his wife said he wouldn't even talk to her about our mother. No, what I really crave is someone who cares about me that I can count on- maybe to check on the cats and dogs, or to call if there is sonmeone breaking down my door, or to back me up with the truth of the situation if the police come. But there is no one. I never went to my brother with my on problems, and would only like to talk to him.

I never thought of this before- perhaps he thinks I want money? At any rate, he knows full well that I adore him and consider myself bonded to him for life, come what may. And it's not all over yet. I stil have hope for him and for my mother. But not expectation.

I do feel if I were more normal in my living situation I might have handled things better with my poor kitty and this kills me, but I appreciate all of the normal people telling me about their own similar experiences, and accepting me as I am. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I am sure taht it was hard to relive those moments.

Love,

Changing

[cats paw]

Dearest Changing,

  You gave your kitty such love and care.  I still miss my sweet boy who was 17 when he had to be euthanized to end his suffering   
  from cancer.  I understand feeling guilt while at the same time knowing neither you nor I have anything to be guilty about.

  I remember how ill he was, nearly limp as a dishrag, but still purred in my arms the last time I was able to hold him in 1991.  I still 
  feel badly that he did not die in my arms, and I can recall too easily times I scolded him.

  He was coal black with beautiful green eyes, extremely gentle, and I still love and miss him so.  I wish I had been with you the
  morning you found your cat at peace, and ill no longer.

cats paw

 

[CB123]

I'm so sorry Changing.

I have lost so many kitty friends over the years.  I have NEVER gone through that pain without guilt.  Ever.  It always seems I should have been able to stop it somehow. 

I suspect it's my messiah-complex.  Somehow admitting to myself that there was nothing I could do feels really bad.  Really out of control.

Your kitty probably went so much more peacefully alone.  If you had been with him, you would have tried to save him--and with all the problems he had, he probably has been sick for awhile.

Don't you wonder if he has become a picture of your own abandonment by bagworm?  I can see that he might be.  All the tears that you have kept to yourself about your own pain have come welling up with kitty's abandonment.  I'm so sorry.  When you cry, let yourself pour out all the tears.  I wish I could be there to hug you....

Love
CB

[Gabben]

Hi Gadden-

I had a very much older brother who was institutionalized after brain damage from meningitis. I wasn't even told about him until I was an adult and my father wanted my help with the hospital. I have an older brother who is an Ivy League professor and businessman, very successful, a true genius and independent from the age of 16- he didn't come to my father's funeral. I was born late in my parent's reproductive years, and not too many years after they divorced. It is true that I was more protective of my older than brother than he ever was of me, and of course, the poor brother in the hospital- I felt protective of him, and his plight really brought my parents' N ways into focus, though I didn't know the name for it then. It caused the big break in our relations when I tried to help my brother. I have tried to do my duty by them, but neither cooperated fully, but I am more or less at peace with that. My father at least paid money and monitorred things. My mother semed blase when I told her that her firstborn had died. She hadn't seen him since he was a tiny child.

Both parents had substantially given up on their parental roles by the time I was growing up, so I am a feral person, lived in foster homes for years, and am now living in society among people like a lone animal in a residential area. I try to cause no harm, but I am isolated so I can be vulnerable.

Love,

Changing

Hi Changing,

Thank you for the time you took to write this and update me. BTW: I too lived in a foster home.

The reason that I asked if you were an oldest child is because you seem so responsible. Now, from you posting above I see where it came from.

This morning I had a little cry just thinking still about my little white cat (your post brought it up, I hope you don't mind if I share my grief with you?) - for so many years I would beat myself up "why, if only" etc... I think all a happens for a reason, I hope so.

Lise