Unable to Compromise

[axa]

Sunblue,

Happy Birthday to YOU.  I hope you get a gift of softness for yourself....... can you do something kind and inexpensive for you today.  I am so sorry you do not have loving support with your family - It is so difficult coming to terms with this.  I struggled with it for years.  Your post triggered something for me.  On my daughters anniversary one of my sisters did not even send a phone text to acknowledge her passing.  There was a time when this would have upset me terribly but having come to terms with the fact that my family have little or nothing to give me emotionally I have let it pass.  What it did trigger was a sense of sadness and aloneness.  I thought of all the years I had been filled with hope that somehow my family would see how difficult things were for me and hold me in some loving way.  That was not to be and my guess never will be.  I have let go of expectations and see that they are genuinely unable to offer emotional comfort to me.  I guess in many ways I saw the family of voiceless here as the family I never had.  I don't know if this is of any use to you except I hear what you are saying, I hear your disappointment and sadness for not having a loving mother especially who cannot see her soft vulnerable daughter.

Axa

[lighter]

I can't tell you how to feel better but I can share a little about how I've done i t.

I start with some small thing, that I really don't want to do cause we don't want to do anything when we feel that way.... and I do it.

Researching something that will help me.

Just going outside and smelling the air and maybe stretching a bit or walking.

If I can start a small feeling of accomplishment... it usually leads to another good feeling.

That good feeling translates into the world, I've observed how people react to me when I'm feeling better and when I'm not.

There's a difference.

I expect that people want to like me...... want to help me.  Esp in business...... this is very helpful.

I hope you feel better and your birthday can bring some joy.

((Sunblue))  You're living under a huge weight in your current situation..... it's not going to be easy to shift it off.  I believe in you though..... small steps.

[sunblue]

Changing, Axa and Lighter:

Thank you so much for your comments.  I really, really need to read them today.  Thank you for the birthday greetings too!  It was so nice to wake up on my birthday and see greetings.

I know that personally, one of my issues is defining myself by what I do....Of course, because I'm not working that means I feel like I'm nothing.  So it was a hard day and this time of year is difficult...but I know it is that way for lots and lots of people.  I just wish I had some hope that things would turn around or get better.  The word "intractable" that was used in your posts define how I feel exactly.  It seems the harder I try, the worst it gets.  Looking back on my life, it has just been one rejection after another.

But I also listened to your advice and forced myself to go out and do a little something.  I live near a big city that hosts a well-known Chriskindle Market.  So, with the snow falling, I forced myself into the car and drove down to the site of the market.  The snow was falling, the crowds were mulling and the multitude of lights were twinkling.  I walked around the European marketplace, splurged on a steaming cup of hot chocolate with whip cream and an order of "snowballs" (traditional German fried doughnuts with powdered sugar) and took pictures of the life-size Nativity and Great Tree.  I purchased homemade gingerbread for my niece and walked down the city's famous shopping street to watch the Nutcracker windows in the stores.  THen I drove past the ice rink that is the focus of one of the city's main parks and drove myself home.

It was still lonely and sad but at least I forced myself to experience a bit of the outside world today. 

So, thank you again for thinking of me today and brightening my day when I read your messages.  How kind of you, especially when you don't know me well!  They were the only birthday wishes I received today so I must say I really appreciate each and every one of you.

As I do on every birthday, I read my horoscope for the day and got one of those online tarot readings.  I have to say part of the tarot reading was right on for me today.  It read in part:

"A feeling of imbalance and negativity prevails.

The card reveals aspects of how you perceive yourself right now.

You are internally conflicted, in a state of imbalance. You could say one part of you is odd and one part of you is even. An unequal split characterizes any division of the number five.

The result of the imbalance is stress, friction and confusion. Your interior dialogue may be combative, defensive, shaming and blaming. You feel that whatever you do isn't quite good enough. Self-doubt may undermine your confidence. It seems that everything is against you. Negative thinking is an easy tendency at a time like this, as if you have internalized a critical parent who is continually harping at you.
             
The last part, especially, was true.....Pretty ironic.

Anyway, thanks again.  You are all so thoughtful and insightful.  Battling this Narcissism and rejection and loneliness can be a hard thing.  So few understand it.  And Lord knows, in N families, emotional support and encouragement are non-existent.  It is so nice to receive some and to know that someone takes an interest.

You are the best!  Bright blessings to all of you.

Sunblue
 

[changing]

Sunblue Happy Birthday!

Sounds like you did and ate a lot of good things! I am getting a divorce (hopefully) for my birthday in March, too expensive becaus of N problems, so I will have to be content with that most likely! Ummmm Snowballs- I haven't had them but they sound yummy especially for winter. We all go up and down in feelings, it is only natural, so don't worry- now it's up time! Again, Happy Birthday and thank you for sharing with us! Remember Dear Heart, it just feels intractable- everything changes, and all those situations will change before you know it!!!

Love,

Changing

[Ami]

(((((((((((((((((((Sun)))))))))))))                     Love   Ami