Unable to Compromise

[sunblue]

Hi All:

I've been away a few days so I apologize if I'm repeating myself.  I always have a hard time during this period before Christmas.  Not only do I face the extreme dysfunction of my Nfamily but it's also my birthday which really depresses me.  I have had an exceptionally difficult and disappointing year and right now I'm feeling completely hopeless.  It seems no matter how hard I work or how much I try, I can't dig myself out of my hole and move toward something better (I'm unemployed and have to live with my Nparents right now).  I've also experienced disappointment with my "healthy" brother and his family this year.  Particularly at this time of year, it seems I am always an afterthought, a third wheel.  My Nmom and co-D dad have their own little family with their "chosen" child, my older Nsibling.  My brother has his family with his wife and child and her family.  And then there's me. 

Which brings me to the subject of my post.  It seems to me Ns and even their co-D partners, siblings or children, have a complete inability to compromise.  Even when the compromise is entirely fair and logical, they refuse to compromise on anything.  Everything always has to be their way.  Their way or the highway.  I've always witnessed it with my Nmom and Nsister, but now I'm seeing the same thing with my co-D dad and "healthy" brother.

Perhaps it's because I was on the receiving end of an Nparent and sibling, but I just loathe the inability to compromise.  My feeling is if you care about another person, you should be willing to compromise on some things. It's only fair.

Recently, I asked my brother if it would be okay if our family Christmas Eve celebration (the only day of the year my parents reserve for my brother and I) could be hosted at our house, rather than his.  He refused because he invites his mother-in-law also on Christmas Eve.  Of course I invited her as well,  But still it seems to be all about what they want and what his mother-in-law wants.  I'm left with the feeling that what I want and need never, ever matters.  THis is just one small example.  It leaves me feeling betrayed and rejected and just sad.  I guess I've realized that I have no one at all who is willing to make me a priority on any level.

Has anyone also experienced this inability to compromise in their families?  Do you just go along with it or do you just decide to go the "no contact" route?

I'm feeling very disgusted and sad and lonely.  I've already decided to cancel Xmas Day plans with my brother and his in-laws' family.  THat's fine with me.  I'm just so sick of always being the one who does the compromising and thinking of other people.  I just don't matter to anyone in my family or anyone else for that matter.

Anyway just venting about the compromise thing.  My co-dependent Dad seems to be getting worse with this as well.  It is really sad to watch how he succumbs to my Nmom and Nsis' every whim and wish.  It is only them.  He never does the same with my brother and I.  The extent to which he caters to them is embarrassing even.  But when it comes to me and what I want, compromise is out of the question.

Just wondering how everyone deals with this.

[changing]

Hi Sunblue-

I have had to accept my FOO as they are and strike out on my own. This can be tough. I think that you are a very loving person who has t deal with a "closed system" which may not allow creative expression and volition. You deserve a chance to love and be loved and I hope that your family can recognize this and that you can make a life for yourself as well- even if you are living with your folks, or if you choose to live anywhere or with anybody or alone. You deserve your chance in life. ((((((((((Sunblue))))))))))

Love,

Changing

[sunblue]

Izzy:

I read your most with such a heavy heart.  I am so sorry your family betrayed you as they did when you most needed them.  It's certainly not my definition of what a loving, healthy family should be.  I'm so sorry they left you alone to deal with the serious challenges you faced.  I hope you at least had a good friend or two to offer you support during that time.

Based on what you described, I'm sure NC was the healthiest thing you could do for yourself.  It doesn't make it any easier to deal with though. 

Thank for you taking the time to respond to my post and situation.  I know my story is not the worst by far.  While I'm currently stuck and not able to have NC because of my living situation, it's at least good to hear that I'm not the only one who is treated this way.

I hope that you have other people in your life now who can be there for you.  Like you did, I feel stupid, angry, and like a scapegoat, knowing they don't care  Sometimes I also feel humiliated because I know my deep feelings are such a one-way situation.  I know they have not spend one secord worrying about me.

Your situation did prompt me to acknowledge something.  About two years ago, my mom had an accident which sent her to the hospital.  It was Christmas Eve, the one day year she and my co-D dad deign to spend with me and my brother.  Every other holiday, weekend, vacation, time off, etc. is reserved for my Nsis.  They then spend Xmas Day and the following days with her.  At any rate, and not too surprisingly, on this Christmas Eve two years ago, my Nsis called early in the morning with some sort of emotional crisis, prompting my parents to run (quite literally) to her an hour and a half away.  They never left a note or called to say what they were doing.  My brother, his family and I had planned to attend Church service with my parents following by a dinner at my brother's house afterwards.  It was late afternoon and still we heard nothing from them.  Well, finally a call came only to say that my mother slipped in my Nsister's kitchen (how ironic!!) and broke her hip.  She went to the hospital near my sister's house only to learn she would have to spend the holiday there as she prepared for hip surgery.  Both my brother and I were very hurt, both by the fact that they ran to my sister when they knew they would be spending the next day(s) with her, thereby ignoring us, and also that because of my sister's selfishness, my mom hurt herself unnecessarily.  The weather was very bad that week so after talking to her on the phone, it was decided my brother and I wouldn't come to see her until after the surgery.  Well, because my brother and I had NC with my evil Nsis for more than 10 years, we did not want a confrontation in the hospital.  We both called every day in the hospital and I asked my dad to let me know when a good time would be to come (when my Nsis would not be there).  He said he would call back and let me know.  He never did.  As a result, I never went to see her that week (she was home in a week).  Afterwards, I must admit I felt incredibly guilt-ridden.  I had never planned NOT to see her as I felt it was my duty.  I was also very angry by her treatment of us.  My brother had no guilt about it.  He had been treated very badly by them for a long time as well.  Of course, my Nmom punished us (emotionally) for it and never will forgive us for it.  Of course, when I was hospitalized years ago, she never called or came to see me, but as you know, Ns don't operate on the same system.  I will probably regret it until the day I died but it wasn't deliberate on my part.  I genuinely and sincerely believed I would get a call telling me when I could come and visit (when my Nsis wouldn't be there---she is extraordinarly controlling and evil and it is impossible to deal with her in a rational way.)

Anyway, at least my mom was never alone.  My co-D dad slept in the same hospital room with her every night and my "martryed" Nsis was with her every moment.    Still, I feel the guilt.

CHANGING:

Thank you for your kind comments as well.  You know, sometimes the responses given here to my posts is the only interest or conversation I receive all day.  My parents ignore me and I have no one else so I greatly appreciate your kind thoughts.  Things seem really hopeless for me, incredibly so and so this time of year is especially tough.  I genuinely value your kindness.  Thank you.

[lighter]

When you come up against people who will not compromise... I think it's best to make peace with that and give up the hope that they will someday become kind generouse spirits who operate differently in the world.

They'd do better if they could, Sun.  They just can't and it's not about you.  It;s them.

[gratitude28]

Sun,
My opinions, ideas and interests have never been in any way important to my mother. She thinks I am weird and laughs me off. Their own little world is way more interesting to them, regardless of the fact that they do nothing new. If you do not like what they like, you are stupid.
I have built my own life. I suspect you will do the same. It is the only way to be happy. My family is wonderful. I learn from them, and we grow together.
((((((((((Sun))))))))))
Here's to a great 2008.
Love, Beth

[Ami]

Dear Sun.
  I think that the 'mark" of a "sick' system(family) OR person is that they can't compromise. They are "rigid"
 I know that with my friendship with Maria,it involves lots of compromises. We can be honest. We ebb and  flow. My "sick"relationship with my M( before NC) was rigid. IF my M liked short hair and I had long hair,I was a traitor.
  It is a very black and white thing when you are in a sick system, which your FOO is
  You are correct in how you view  it,(IMO)
  It IS sad and it is awful. I am so sorry                 Love   Ami


((((((((((((((((Sun)))))))))))

[sunblue]

Wow.....what you all said really rang so true with me.  If I don't agree with my Nmom, she thinks I'm silly or stupid, or more frequently, just "dismisses" me.  She's only interested in me when I could provide something she wants or needs.  After she gets what she wants, she virtually ignores me.  This goes for other people as well.  My co-D dad will say something to her and she will quite literally pretend she didn't hear it.  It is painful and rude and sad to witness. 

And you're all so right.  They don't and will never change.  It is a truly sobering thought.

It is so good to hear that others have experienced exactly the same thing.  When you're stuck within the confines of a dysfunctional N family like I am, sometimes it is hard to acknowledge that what you're experiencing and witnessing is not normal.  Certainly, no one in the Nfamily will ever provide validation.  They're too busy protecting their sick personas and thinking about themselves.

Thanks for responding.

[cats paw]

   If you don't mind answering, what day is your birthday?  Does it fall on Christmas?

                               ((( Sunblue )))

cats paw

[lighter]

Catspaw!  ::waving::

I've missed you: )

[sunblue]

Hi Catspaw:

Well since you asked, no, my birthday isn't on Christmas, but just near.  Actually, it's this Saturday.  It was ironic that I just saw your post because I just came back from an unusually painful (at least for me) version of a birthday celebration with my Nfamily.

Even my birthday is Saturday, my family (Nparents and "healthy" brother, his wife and my niece) insisted we "celebrate" it tonight because, of course, my NParents will spend the entire weekend with my Nsis, as they always do---every weekend, holiday, vacation, all free time in fact.  Even for my birthday (or my brother's) they will not fluctuate.  My Nsis is always the only one that matters.

At any rate, we went to dinner (a relatively short, two-hour meal of painful narcissism).  My brother initiated and insisted on the dinner for my parents would never suggest it.  They just went along.  I was allowed to choose the restaurant although my Nmom, of course, went kicking and screaming because she believed she wouldn't like the place even though she had never been there before.  In the end, she did like the place and the food.

But the true narcissism came during the dinner.  The conversation focused, as usual, on my Nmom---her work, her colleagues, how much fun she had at her work Christmas party, HER, HER, HER, HER.  Nothing new there.  My co-dependent dad has become so extremely co-dependent that he wouldn't even order what he wanted to eat.  Instead, he waited for my mom to place her order and duplicated what she ordered!!!!...My sister-in-law, a very kind and good-hearted soul, catered to my Nmom's need to focus on herself.  As I've said elsewhere, my Nmom and co-D dad essentially ignore my brother and I, except for very rate occasions (my birthday being one).  Thus, my sister-in-law and brother never see or speak to my parents directly anymore.  She my sis-in-law does her best to engage my mom.  But my mom never reciprocates.  No one's job, problems or interests matter.  All the conversation must be focused on her.

So, I sat at this restaurant table essentially being ignored.  I could have walked out and no one would have noticed.  They did force me to open up the gifts they brought for me in the restaurant.  I was not in a great mood but went along.  My mother purchased an item of clothing for me.  Now, I do not look for gifts and am a firm believer it's the thought that counts.  But I could barely contain my frustration with her.  The clothing item was a style that my mom knew I did not like and would not wear and it was in a color I already have.  She knew this because I would accompany her on shopping trips ocassionally where she would point this item out.  I would tell her I did not like it.  But the point is, SHE likes it and would like it for herself.  So she ignores me and my wishes entirely and bought the item.  Then she gets frustrated when I didn't jump for glee (although I thanked her for the gift in a sincere manner) and yelled that I should just "go ahead and return it then.  I don't care."  She just doesn't get it.

Ughhhh!!!....Some birthday.  It is getting increasingly difficult for my brother and I to deal with my parents. Their narcissism and disinterest in us has become so blatant and it makes me so sad.  I have had a horrendous year and continue to face difficulties which none of them do.  But all she cares about is her.  Birthdays and holidays are not my favorite time as a result.  I just want to scream that I want out of this life. 

I find that with these Ns, it's not good enough (for them) to just cater to their every whim---you have to do it with a big ole smile on your face and act like they're the best thing in the world.  I think tonight was especially difficult for me because I realized that I have no family that cares about me, that I don't matter.  My dysfunctional family has just always been big on "appearances" and going through the motions.  I would have rather ignoring the whole day and not pretend to be enjoying myself or that it was a pleasant experience.

So Saturday is my real birthday and I will spend it alone.  Funny thing, even sitting at the table with them tonight, I felt as alone as if I were sitting there by myself.  I guess that's the sobering part of understanding you come from a family of narcissists.

I'm just one of those people that are cursed.  I just never have gotten a break and I guess these special celebration days like birthdays and holidays only serve to remind me of my failures and losses and pain.

Sorry for the vent.  It was just a sad night.

[lighter]

I think maybe it is like being cursed, Sun.

Maybe it's also a challenge... and if you can figure it out.... overcome it..... you end up more stable, wise and grown than those who don't know what an N FOO is?


At least you pulled back into observer mode at your BD dinner.

You didn't take everything personally.... you sort of did a running commentary in your head.... noted this and that...... realized where you were in it and I think that finally makes it easier to change where you are.... in your head..... and replace replace replace.

They won't ever be the family you deserve or need.

But you can find other people to adopt and be adopted by.

I adore elderly people and people with babies and people who love my children. 

Your friends feed you.

They care about your interests and you sit through theirs happily whether you have that same passion or not.

You can change that curse into something else, Sun.

You may look back one day and think..... this has ended up a charmed circumstance.

::shrug:: Not sure but.... life is wider than that little family of FOO.  ((Sun))  Sorry this is such a hard time for you.

[cats paw]

Sunblue,

  No need to apologize for the vent.  If I recall  (I'm intermittent on posting and reading, so forgive me if you've updated ) you were looking for a job ?  How's it going on that front?

 I also recall that you said you've dealt with depression.  I'm curious about what kind of things you enjoy in life when your depression eases a bit.  Have you ever had any pets?  I don't have any currently, but I enjoy my "nephew"- my best friend's little black poodle.

 BTW, I'm not making suggestions, I am just curious about what kind of things you have enjoyed.

cats paw   

[Hopalong]

Hi Sun,

Would you like to talk about the job thing?
It's very hard to deal with being unemployed or underemployed.
In my experience, it's been like standing in a wave machine with a wave of shame smacking you from one side and a wave of fear from the other. I've taken on a lot of water and nearly drowned in my day.

If you'd like to talk about practical things, work through some of the options you might have, I bet there would be a lot of wisdom here.

With sympathy, and happy birthday anyway!

Hops

[sunblue]

Hi all;

Yes, I'm really very depressed right now, especially about my unemployment.  I just can't find a job.  And I'm not stupid.  I'm educated and have worked for a long time in a variety of positio-ns which I thought gave me good experience.  I work very hard at finding work, sending out countless resumes, doing multiple phone interviews and going on in-person interviews.  I just had one last week and I really wanted the job, but don't think I will get it.  It just seems the jobs fall through for some reason or they are looking for very very specific experience which my background doesn't fit.  The bottom line though is the same.  I still have no job.  I cry all the time about it and tomorrow being my birthday just makes me feel worse.  I feel like a complete and total failure, because of course people only see the bottom line (that you don't have a job)--they don't look at how hard you're trying or the face that these employers are looking for ultra-specific experience which is impossible to fulfill.

As for the depression, yes, I have had it all my life.  It is both clinical and situational (my Nfamily and other circumstances).  But in response to your questions, it never recedes so I really don't feel any joy or interest about anything, as much as I try.  I'm on medication but it doesn't help that much.  It just seems that no matter how hard I try, I can't dig out of my hole. I just never catch a break.  I can't move because I can't find a job.  I have no friends and of course I've discussed my dysfunctional family here before.  I do teach sunday school at my church but really I spend most of my time looking for work.  It is very time consuming but the result is always the same, it seems. 

Sorry, didn't mean to vent again.  My birthday's tomorrow and Xmas is less than 2 weeks away, and these times always make me feel bad.  I just feel like a complete loser and these times just emphasize that.  And the truth is I just don't get why.  I really try to be kind to others and always have gone out of  my way for them.  I work very hard.  At my last company, I did good work and earned more than two dozen awards...and yet, here I am, with nothing and no hope of anything.

I keep praying but nothing yet.  I know other people are much worse off than I am but some days it's really hard.  I love dogs but don't have a pet because my Nmom hates animals (no surprise there). 

I'm trying to hold on though.  That's all you can do I guess. 

Thank you for asking and for listening.  You are so kind to do so.  Your comments were the first conversation directed at me today.  I very much appreciate it.

Hope you all will have a good weekend and maybe some Christmas fun.....especially if you have kids.  It's a great time for them.

Thanks again.

[changing]

Dear Sunblue-

You are not your job or your bank account. You are so much more wonderful than all of that. You are a person of heart and soul and innate value. I know that you will get a job soon and with it a bank account, then your own place, then a dog! But these things do not define you or your worth as a person. (((((Sunblue)))))

Please know that everything changes, and soon what seems intractable will give way to something else that seems like it will never end...it as been that way for me, too!

Keep up your spirits, do the best things for your health and this will help your spirit and give you more energy for the job search.

Love,

Changing