Author Topic: grief and loss brings back old issues...need support again  (Read 1217 times)

sjkravill as guest

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grief and loss brings back old issues...need support again
« on: December 12, 2007, 10:44:38 PM »
Hi
Probably most of you would not remember me.  I found this board probably about 4 years ago, or so when I was in an awful, abusive marriage with a narcissist.  I was totally isolated and these firends provided a lot of support... but then the board got toxic and I left.  I have checked in one or two times since then.

Here I am again, divorced (and happy) (mostly).  I just finished my masters degree program and on the job trail. I have learned so much about how I wound up married to a narcissist in the first place.

Now I am about to travel several thousand miles to be with family because my grandmother is dying. My grandmother has always been the compassion and stability in my life.  Nobody has ever loved me as much as she does.  
My parents.... I don't know if they were narcissists, but they are aloof self absorbed in my experience.  I keep trying to tell myself that they do the best they can, but I am just feeling these profound feelings of abandonment from them.  Especailly my mother.  

I do love being single, and really don't believe in "love"  but now that I am loosing grany, I am afraid I am going to feel mad at my parents (when I am trying to accept them for who they are and realize they are not going to change and just be thankful I had her.) I obviously can't express my feelings to my parents because they are self-absorbed or super fragile and don't get it.  SO, I am just feeling so profoundly unloved and unimportant and alone.  
I am trying to figure out how to deal with these feelings gracefully as I go home and deal with the same cast of characters with the same scripts (after I have worked so hard at changing my script).

help! SJ    


changing

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Re: grief and loss brings back old issues...need support again
« Reply #1 on: December 12, 2007, 10:55:05 PM »
Sjakravil-

I am sorry that you may be losing your wonderful Grandmother. You are going there for her- you love her and she loves you, and you want to bring her peace and love at a sacred time. Everything and everyone else is secondary. You need not convince anyone else of anything- you are free now, and they have no power over you. Keep the peace for your Grammy's sake and don't let anything or anyone take this time away from you- be grounded in your love for each other. You can do this.

Love and Peace,

Changing

axa

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Re: grief and loss brings back old issues...need support again
« Reply #2 on: December 13, 2007, 04:26:33 AM »
Hi,


And welcome back.  I am sorry also about your grandmother.  I think forgiving is a difficult business and wanting to understand your parents behaviour just does not fix things.  I am convinced that one has to go through a grieving process for not having been parented in a loving way.  I think there is always anger at this and working through it is the only way.  I think we do some work, move on a bit and hope that that is it.........imo it aint, the layers will be revealing all the time.  I do think things get easier once you look and hold the pain of abandonment. I have no doubt this is what set me on my merry road to XN.  Hang on in there and please post.  I am not around all the time but will do the best I can.

BTW Well Done for divorcing a Narcissist.



axa

lighter

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Re: grief and loss brings back old issues...need support again
« Reply #3 on: December 13, 2007, 05:40:51 AM »
I'm hoping you rejoice over the warmth and support your Grandmother provides/provided and find other wonderful Grandparent spirits/legends to place in your heart, alongside hers.

Our church book club.... neighbors..... an unmarried mommy of an ex boyfriend..... all over 70... and in 2 cases 75yo, are in my heart and closer to me than my Grandparents were.

I don't know what I'll do when they're gone.

Oh ya..... I'll find new nurturing spirits to relate with. 

We enrich each others lives and I can't imagine life without that connection.

There's a saying, we often judge our parents and seldom forgive them.

That's too bad.

Forgiving them isn't for them

It's for ourselves.

It's easier when we internalize the fact that they were doing the best they could do..... they just couldn't do any better.

Welcome back.


Overcomer

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Re: grief and loss brings back old issues...need support again
« Reply #4 on: December 13, 2007, 06:40:07 AM »
Well if wyou get to be with your gram that will make you happy and will comfort you.  My H mom passed last week suddenly and he was not able to say good bye-their last words were a fight so he has some regret.  Go in peace and remember her as the stability you needed.
Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"

Ami

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Re: grief and loss brings back old issues...need support again
« Reply #5 on: December 13, 2007, 08:55:39 AM »
Dear S,
  My GM was my source of love and strength. Her love gave me so many traits which allowed me to continue on against hard odds. They leave a legacy within us--always. They gave so unselfishly. They are really 'angels"in human bodies.
  As far as your parents, you know that they cannot give,but you still want their love and warmth.
 I think that your inner child is crying out for s/one to take care of you and love you---a safe spot. I have this cry,too.
 I guess that you KNOW the answers. It is the process that is hard.I send love and warmth to you( and strength)   Love   Ami

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

teartracks

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Re: grief and loss brings back old issues...need support again
« Reply #6 on: December 13, 2007, 10:48:40 AM »



Dear S,

I do remember you.   Glad for your progress.  Sorry about grandmother's illness.  Mountainspring's journey about her FOO and beloved grandmother comes to mind.  I can't offer much to you except to say that your GM would probably want you to celebrate the good times and amazing love you shared.  Reading Mountainsprings posts might give you great encouragement.  Her GM  passed  a few months ago.  Her sharing here about it was a beautiful thing.

tt

Hopalong

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Re: grief and loss brings back old issues...need support again
« Reply #7 on: December 15, 2007, 01:43:12 PM »
Hello Ska,

Sending comfort to you, knowing your love is safe with her, whether she's here or there...
I hope it will flow back to you, and you'll know.

Glad you're here to talk it through,

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."