Handling Father's Day with a NMom around?

[flower]

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Thanks so much for your insight and support.
 It aided my healing. Too much of my heart
was in this post to let it remain here for posterity on the web.
The post served its purpose and now it is time to
edit it or gently take it down.
 
To every thing there is a season, and a time
to every purpose under the heaven:  Ecclesiates 3:1

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[Anonymous]

flower,

You are limited by your father's "gatekeeper" (his choice). My feedback is to just send him a card by regular mail. You aren't required to find a surefire way around the gatekeeper. That's his problem. You can always ask him later whether he received it.

bunny

[Jaded]

Flower,

I really thought alot about this dilema and I believe I have come up with an idea that would not only display your feelings and thoughts to your father, but it would also display the lack of control that your mother has over you and your feelings for your dad.

I would make up a montage of items, put them into a nicely sealed package and ship them UPS to him.  I would include both special items that you know he has always wanted but denied himself of having and I would also include a note attached to each and every item to let him know that you were aware of how much he had sacrificed by denying himself the pleasure of having them. Perhaps you can gather up some personal items that you have that connect you and your father in some special way, stick a personal note to them to let him know how much meaning and significance they were to you.

An example would be:  Is there an item that your dad gave you that signified his unspoken love for you or his unspoken disapproval of your mothers actions or words to you.   If you happen to have something like this, I would say "hey dad, remember when you gave me this music box with the ballerina on top because you knew I love the ballet, do you know that when you gave me this music box, inside I knew how much you loved me and how much you had been paying attention  to my likes and dislikes."  This would not only show him that you had noticed his participation in your likes and dislikes.  I also think that it would also symbolize to your mother the lack of participation from her.

I hope I am making sense here to you.  LOL, I also am suffering from a lack of sleep and I feel like I am rambling right now.  I just wanted to put my two cents in here because I feel you are wanting to display how much your dad means to you.

[Less]

Hi Flower,

Good grief - your mother takes the cake.  I wonder if you could write a small something on the back of the envelope - p.s. will call Sunday to make sure you got this. (you know, the mail may be bad or something) Then your Nmother might feel compelled to pass it on. I suppose "flowers" would get through!

My father died 24 years ago - just drank and smoked  himself to death. A few years ago at a family dinner I mentioned that it was actually "dad's birthday" so I raised my glass and wished him, "Happy Birthday wherever you are."  He's dead already! but my Nmother could not handle sharing the limelight with her dead husband - everything went very chilly.

Whatever you do I hope you can take back your right to honour your father anyway you wish.

Less