Feel Like An Object?

[Hopalong]

Hi Sally,
It's really good to hear you again.

love
Hops

Dear Carolyn,
I hope your father will respond...
and value his dear daughter.

xo
Hops

[Certain Hope]

Dear Carolyn,
I hope your father will respond...
and value his dear daughter.

xo
Hops

(((((((Hops))))))) thank you. I think that I am valuable to my Dad to the extent that I will reflect him as he desires to see himself.

He's 87. Recently he wrote with his instructions about what he thought I needed to do vis my children's religious education.
To summarize the reply I wrote to him alone (the one marked "personal"), I wrote:
"I've no doubt that there will be some Lutherans in heaven, but they won't be there because they're Lutherans - rather because they received Jesus Christ as their Lord and Saviour and committed their lives to Him."

Several days later, the phone rang. My mother - very terse and... frightened-sounding -
said, "I'm placing this call for Dad... "
Soon I realized that she sounded almost drunk... and she asked, "Is everything alright?" and then he took the phone.
He never calls.
He never has her call... and on the rare occasions when she does call, he's never in the vicinity.
She must have absolute control, yanno.
SO - he gets on the phone and I said, "It's about time."
The whole thing tickled me to no end - that he actually took matters in hand and told her to place this call - and I told him so.
He never mentioned my letter and we had a great casual talk.
I told him that I hoped he'd begun a new trend and would call me the following Sunday.
He didn't.

In the meanwhile, I've recvd. two mailings from him, which I've left unopened. (Avoidance dies so hard.)
I just don't want to spoil my (probable) illusion that he actually is capable of being the man of that household and not just turning over his daughter to that woman's management.

No doubt the above makes little sense, but it's how I feel. ((((((((((Hops))))))))) thanks for making a safe, soft spot in you for me to express it.

Much love,
Carolyn

P.S. (((((((((((Bean)))))))))))) you, too... your being here on the thread helps so much, too. I have been *Hope* for 8 years now, so it's natural to me for my ears to perk up to that name   Love to you... I'm so glad to hear of a calming effect, after so much turmoil.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Bean,

Hiding behind someone else's dysfunction... yes, exactly... and it can be traced all the way back to the Garden of Eden, when Adam responded to God's confrontation with:
"(It was) the woman You gave me!"

It does hurt to see him use her as an excuse... and it hurts to see that he'd rather cling to dead religion than to take a closer look at my life and see that I've truly put my faith into action. He wants me to teach my kids a catechism. I told him in my letter that they see Jesus in my life... in the bold changes which God by His grace has enabled me to make.

I don't open those latest 2 letters because it may well be that he only placed that phone call in reaction to my open defiance of his religion. Maybe his taking the bull by the horns had more to do with that than any recognition of his need to come out of hiding. If that's the case, those envelopes will be stuffed with more of his religious propaganda, as usual, complete with complaints about my mother's control freakery. I simply haven't wanted to know what they hold... I think because I have no intention of engaging in any ongoing dialogue if that's the case.

Re: Lutherans... as with most groups, there are many different splinter groups. My Dad's ideology is one that's led him to remain with the most conservative, orthodox association possible. All that never led him to curtail his drinking, smoking, foul language, whatever when in select company, etc. Too many faces to be real, you know? He'd like everyone to think he's this amiable, mellow, generous guy... but there's a lot of prejudice and bigotry just beneath the surface. He does not understand why I followed through with my own baptism, as a believer, when he made sure to have me sprinkled as an infant.
My simple explanation of "Jesus said I should" didn't seem to carry any weight.
Not religious enough, I guess.

All of those classes, like the ones you had to take... well, if the person teaching them doesn't know Jesus himself, then it's just another ritual, I think. Twelve years of parochial schooling, all crammed with Lutheran dogma, did nothing for my spiritual wellbeing. On the other hand, I do believe that faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God - -  it's just that the word of man got in the way, there was so much of it.

((((((((((Bean))))))))) Thank you so much for sharing a bit of your own experience with religion. I didn't know that about you and I really value the opportunity to better understand. It is so true that these things people tell us we need to do for God - well, that's religion. Genuine spirituality of the Christian sort is all about what God wants to do in and through us, I believe!

Thank you also for offering me an opportunity to talk about my feelings once I've read those letters from Dad. That about made me cry. I've not felt free or safe to do that much in awhile... and it's a great relief to know that the option is open. I will read them... before Christmas, in case we get a phone call. I'd feel better prepared if I knew what they contain. ugh. I don't like how that feels, so will keep workin on it.

Thanks again, Bean... you've made a great difference for me.

With love,
Hope/ Carolyn

[Hopalong]

Hi Hope,
I'm so glad he called you.

About the letters...you could still not read them. (That's your serenity, your boundary, you don't have to drop it just because of Christmas.) And if you get a call, then you could just deal with him in the present. If he asks Did you read my letter? you could say, I loved talking to you on the phone last time so much I decided I'd just do that. HI, Dad. Thank you for calling!

Maybe if you make the unusual fact of his call your inner focus, and make it a big good thing in your mind, it will comfort you, rather than highlighting all that he has not done. He did change a behavior, this once, and it mattered. You enjoyed a talk with him. With him, enjoying a casual talk is probably as wonderful as it will get. (Small consolation for all you've missed, but I guess sometimes the only way to be happy is to magnify the small and good until the large and bad bore us.)

XXOO,
Hops

[Certain Hope]

Dear Hops,

What would I do without you?
Thank you! You are helping me to feel this through (Feels like I've already thunk it out... but maybe not... lol). 
Right now I feel - - - serenity = good; avoidance = not good.
My goal is to be able to serenely read his letters and then serenely, as necessaryappropriate, decide whether or not/what to reply on an individual basis.
I don't feel that yet... I feel an urge for an instant decision/resolution... all the while knowing that's not possible without closing off a portion of my heart which will leave me with less... and I'm not willing to do that.

A jumble, I know... but thank you.

xooxo
Carolyn

[Hopalong]

Not jumbled at all, Carolyn, and I understand.

I got to the place with letters from Mom where I would literally squint and hold them at a distance, reading beside the recycling bag. I would physically act out my decision to stay more emotionally detached while reading, and it helped. Sounds very silly though.

You are trusting your own ability to identify and take care of your own needs.
That's fantastic!

love to you
Hops