Feel Like An Object?

[Certain Hope]

I do... regularly. Most unpleasant, it is. Great to recognize what's happening, though.

Leah, thank you so much for your fyi thread re: How to be Abusive. This morning's entry there really shook me up... you wrote:

To be an abuser you must feel that you are entirely within your rights to impose your species of order in your own impregnable "castle".

The other members of the community are mere objects.  You must react to any proof or reminder to the contrary.
 
Remember, you must always recruit:  Friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, the media, teachers – in short, third parties – to do your bidding.

You can use them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate your target(s).

You control these unaware instruments exactly as you plan to control them for your purpose.

Remember:  It's all about YOU and your wants and needs.

Don't forget you need to have a second source of direct supply on standby.

Don't forget you can always dump your props (and supply) unceremoniously when the job is done.

Don't forget you don't hold personal accountability and responsibility – so no apologies required, unless they are needed for your own plan and purpose.   

My heart screamed out.... yes! This is what I am seeing and it feels awful to be treated this way.
I don't have much commentary right now, but Objectification is my topic of the... well, however long it takes. Because I'm sick of it... tired of feeling like somebody else's pawn to be manuevered around her/his own personal game board.

Here is what I think is the first step - the foundational element - in all abuse:

Objectification:
Most abusers lack empathy. They dehumanize and treat people like inane objects, extensions of themselves, or instruments to be played as they wish. Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuses are all forms of dehumanization and objectification. They view their victim as nothing more than a comfortable, old chair that can be easily discarded should it become uncomfortable. In other words, their level of comfort is their only concern and they will sell you down the river to hold onto that comfort.


 In order to protect themselves from others, abusers put them at a distance. This allows them to see the other people as things or objects that can be treated without having to consider their feelings (if I empathize with you and hurt you, I also hurt myself). Lumping others into a group is one way of doing this... whether it's a family group or work group - no matter; the abuser views that community as her/his own = property!!

When we objectify others, we strip them of their humanity and their individuality, hence objectification is also called depersonification. (we are using the word 'objectifying' here to emphasize not only the turning of people into objects but also the viewpoint of the world as 'things').

Many of us use objectification at some time or another. Objectifying other people deliberately is a convenient method of avoiding the discomfort of empathy and helps us avoid feelings of guilt or shame when we do things that break our values.

When we see people who we dislike, by objectifying them, we can then be unkind to them without suffering the repercussions of an empathetic connection.

When we see people who are disadvantaged in comparison to us, we distance ourselves, both to protect ourselves from empathetic feelings and also to avoid the guilt of not helping them.

When we associate ourselves with others in a group, we treat others in the out-group as being 'all the same' so we can stereotype them.

It is often convenient to have a scapegoat, on whom we can blame our problems or even the ills of the world.

Oh yes, objectification of others is where it all begins!

Carolyn

[Leah]

  an Object in the Monopoly  boardgame   

[Certain Hope]

Dear Leah,

Yes. An object in the Monopoly board game. Sometimes a playing piece allowed by the objectifier to take an active role (only under the objectifier's control, of course) and other times... merely a piece of background scenery.

Often I've felt weak, when I see that it's impossible for me to maintain a hardened shell or tough exterior for long, because that mode is so unnatural to me... so repugnant...
but when I consider some in my life, and when I see that they cannot maintain their exterior gloss of interest/care/appreciation for others longer than a brief interlude (as it serves their purposes)... well, I wouldn't be them for all the tea in China.  I see it for what it is: one brief flicker of phony, superficial caring in trade for 100% devotion to the primary cause, which is, of course, her/him-self.  "Okay, I sympathized with you... now let's talk about/ cater to/ indulge me, me, me!!!!!"

I realize that it never occurs to the objectifier that the folks they use each have lives/feelings/interests/desires/hurts/joys/needs of their own.
My mistake has been in trying to show them that fact instead of simply accepting them for what they are and walking away.

Love to you, Leah... I always feel like a whole individual near you.

Carolyn

[teartracks]

deleted

[Leah]

In her book; "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" --  which is pertinent to all human interactive relational situations ...

Patricia Evans lists the various forms of manipulation which together constitute verbal and emotional (psychological) abuse:

Withholding (the silent treatment), countering (refuting or invalidating the other person's statements or actions), discounting (the putting down of one's emotions, possessions, experiences, hopes, and fears), sadistic and brutal humor, blocking (avoiding a meaningful exchange, diverting the conversation, changing the subject), blaming and accusing, judging and criticizing, undermining and sabotaging, threatening, name calling, forgetting and denying, ordering around, denial, and abusive anger.


And also;:

Wounding "honesty", ignoring, smothering, invasion of privacy, ignoring your stated boundaries, tactlessness, maltreatment, humiliating, insinuating, lying, exploiting, devaluing and discarding, being unpredictable, reacting disproportionately, dehumanizing, objectifying, control by proxy and ambient abuse.



Patricia Evan's above book is my "abuse free life book of first reference"

Which to me, speaks volumes.

Love, Leah

[Leah]

Also, I have a copy of Lundy Bancroft’s book and ...

Lundy Bancroft's profile of the typical abuser is …

>  Controlling; they always insist on having the last word in arguments.   

>  Manipulative; misleads people, twists arguments around to make other people feel at fault, and then turns into a sweet, sensitive person for extended periods of time when they feel that it is in their own best interest to do so.

>  Entitled;  considers themselves to have special rights and privileges not applicable to other members. Believes that their own needs should be at the center of the ‘family’ agenda, and that everyone should focus on keeping them happy.  Is highly demanding of time and attention.

>  Disrespectful; considers all others as less competent, sensitive, and intelligent than they are, because they just don’t know what they are going through, it is all so much bigger than them, and often treating them as though they were an inanimate object.

>  Unifying principle is the attitude of ownership.  They believe that once you are in a committed ‘family’ inter-relationship with them, then, you belong to them.  If you don’t comply, then they may threaten to walk out and away, but invariably, they have to come back, as they are the ones that can’t let go of what they owned.  Ususally, they go quiet and bide their time, and pick up where they left off.

Because of the distorted perceptions that the abuser has of rights and responsibilities in inter-relationships, they consider themselves to be the victim.



Lundy Bancroft's book is another of my "abuse free life book of first reference"

Love, Leah

[Leah]

The Invalidator

The invalidator is underhanded, and the person being invalidated is often unsuspecting except for knowing that he or she feels ?

The invalidator actually feels inferior to this other person, so he/she tries to make this person feel small.  Thus, the invalidator can control the victim.

Have you met anyone like this?

Whether you are completely aware of it or not, you probably have.  You probably know one, or, several invalidators.

The invalidator uses various suppressive mechanisms to chop away at your self-esteem. He pretends to acknowledge something you are proud of, then, later makes some negative insinuation about it.  He feels out what you think your shortcomings are, and then exploits them at calculated times when he knows you are vulnerable.

The invalidator may persist in invalidating you until you succumb. He has to control you because he perceives you as being superior to him. He takes accusations that have "some truth" and fires them at you "in all honesty"  "just being your friend" "to help you"

The difference between an invalidator, and a real friend, is that a real friend will tell you one negative thing about yourself then back off to give you space to consider it.

An invalidator will lay many of your faults out for you, and then persist until you feel as big as the period at the end of this sentence.

An invalidator will pick out the qualities about yourself that are most important to you, and then, will proceed to tear them apart.

An invalidator will listen to you share something that you don't like about yourself, and then later, will use it against you.  This is all done in such a subtle way that you are unaware of it.

An invalidator will lie about you, and make false accusations about you, then deny he ever did that to you.

If you do confront an invalidator on what He is doing, He will then say something like; "Oh come on now, I'm your friend.  "I am only trying to help you"   "if you can't see that then you have a big problem"

And he/she may really like you.

He may really want to be your friend ... but only on his terms and only after he has you in his control. 

He will make you look silly for even thinking such things about him.  He may make you feel guilty in front of your friends for accusing him of invalidating you.

He may get angry at you for your accusations.  Whatever he can do to invalidate you further, he will.

If He really thinks you are on to him, then he may apologize, and then not invalidate you again, until later on, when you are unsuspecting.

In short, the invalidator does whatever is necessary to control you. 

Remember:  You are the object in his game of control.

[Leah]

The big difference between these abusers and "normal" people -- when they're projecting on you -- is that these abusers expect you to share their delusion.

You must accept and become part of their delusion, without question.

Yes!  You cannot help but perceive this as Gaslighting.

These abusers try to make you be what they say you are, because, they view you as an object, and not as a human person with perceptions and a mind of your own.

They view you as an extension of themselves (like a tool) to control.

Psychologists call this bizarre behavior projective identification, a defense mechanism. 

The abuser wants you to identify with the image that he projects on you.

You are a mirror to reflect his fantasy, so he pressures you to behave as though it is real.

The abuser never thinks that he is crazy --  instead, he just accuses whoever he abuses of being the crazy one(s).

Expect to hear proclamations of "everyone is crazy."


They do not connect with reality: appearances are all that matter in their world.  So, you can lay out your grievances to them in a letter to let him know what you think, but if tomorrow you encounter him, all he will do is to act as though none of it happened, he is perfectly satisfied. 

It's back to business as usual.

After all, it was only ever all about themself.




Well, Carolyn, this has all served to refresh my memory, from my books and previous studies, and to affirm and validate.

But, in short, I strongly object to being treated like an object.

And as such, I will not give my permission or consent.

Much Love to you, Carolyn

Leah



http://www.bullyonline.org  worldwide resource regarding Bullies and Abusers in every human inter-relational walk of life, including cyber.

http://www.bullyonline.org/stress/ptsd.htm#PTSD%20specific%20to%20bullying  Post Trauma Stress Disorder symptoms

and surviver guilt and trauma caused by bullying, harassment, abuse and abusive life experiences.

e.g.

>  A feeling of being small, insignificant, and invisible
>  An overwhelming sense of betrayal
>  Fatigue

[Leah]

Dear Amber,

Not sure what to say, as truly, I cannot relate or resonate with your role, as with your mother.

As my life experience, and also, my life my Mmother was altogether different.

Truly, though, so very glad to know that what I have posted on this thread, has been of some insight for your journey.

Just to let you know that I have been reading and keeping up to date with your Life Story thread, Amber.

Love to you,

Leah

[Certain Hope]

Dear Amber,

Thank you! It's taken me a couple days of mulling and ponderment, but I am working toward a deeper understanding of
the ROLE.

Seeing this function at play in others, especially since returning to work, has also allowed me to glimpse myself as others may see me... just by gauging their reactions to me... and it's so strange...

One of the groups of women with whom I'm associated at work is quite rough and tumble, as a whole. I like each and every one of them, although none is likely to become a really close friend. One of them said to me yesterday, as an aside re: the group's treatment of another employee outside of their division, "They like you."
I laughed and asked, "How can you tell?!?"  hehe  She replied, "Because you're still here."

I was amazed.
She believes that these other members of the group would have persecuted me mercilessly/ ostracized me if they didn't like me... but that's not how I see it. News flash to self - I no longer feel persecut-able!
I mean, within myself, I feel that I am now giving off the sort of signals which say to others, "I do not allow myself to be persecuted."
And so, to my way of thinking, I've taught these women how to respond to me... mostly with respect and... well, it feels like something a step above tolerance at this point. LOL. Would they use me? Sure... I expect so and wouldn't trust them as far as I could throw them... and yet I sincerely like them and can chat with any one of them without fear or trepidation.

In other words, they don't bug me! And I think that's because I'm so busy these days that I've no interest in continuously thinking about myself and filling myself up with myself. Ugh.. that gets old.
And I didn't rush out to occupy myself with busy work as a means to avoidance... I only acknowledged my responsibility as an adult to do something productive with my time and all the rest proceeded from that commitment. Such a small thing, but life changing!

The feeling-like-an-object part did hit me hard recently... over circumstances both at home and here on the board... this little microcosm of role playing.
I don't like being used to augment somebody else's argument, to facilitate someone else's agenda, or like a prop in a stage play. I don't even want an agenda of my own, beyond continuing to take proceeding steps in maturity. Such a waste of time and energy! Your words about having trained your husband in how to treat you have really hit home. There is such a difference between someone simply not understanding my feelings
and someone reacting to that lack of understanding by trying to turn me inside out. Your husband doesn't do that to you, does he? Mine does not... I am the one with the capacity to twist myself into tangles. I want to continue working on that and change it, by God's grace. There is no room in this short life for wasted efforts.

Your description of your mother is just how I recall life with NPD ex. My own mother doesn't tell me how I'm wounding her by daring to have an independent self,
she simply ignores me or talks at me about herself or... well, it doesn't matter, she's only plastic. My last contact to parents was sent to Dad alone, marked "Personal"...
heh... evil? no. Just and right.

((((((((((((Amber))))))))))))) I think of you often with your determination to continue your forward movement and just want you to know that I'm cheering you on
from the sidelines here. Thanks so much for sharing with me here... I am so glad you're not invisible.

With Love,
Carolyn

And Dear Leah, Many thanks for all the valuable info you've shared. My mullings and ponderments are slow-motion style lately,
but it's all good. Maybe some day they'll present themselves as words, but for now all I seem to be able to manage are a few occasional ramblings.

And Dear Teartracks,
I put ole Maude out to pasture, as well. Time for her day in the sun.

Love to you both,
Carolyn

[Leah]

And Dear Leah, Many thanks for all the valuable info you've shared. My mullings and ponderments are slow-motion style lately,
but it's all good. Maybe some day they'll present themselves as words, but for now all I seem to be able to manage are a few occasional ramblings.

Dear ((( Carolyn ))),

You're very welcome, and not for one moment, did I expect you to engage in all the information that I posted, as I for one, and likewise, doubt if I could entertain the idea.

So very glad that you did start this thread from what I had posted "how to be an abuser" and highlighted the 'being' an "Object" -- as it was then, and would only have been then, that I was stirred to read and write the above posts, from the books that I quoted in each post.

You see, what struck me was (and yes, I too used to be "Maude the Mule" also, all my life, previously, not now) the realization of 'being' regarded as an "Object" as it spoke volumes in so many different areas of life's wonderful tapestry.

In particular, with regard to how I have recently * seen * the retired ladies and gentlemen in their retirement home being treated as "Objects" in the way in which they are being Patronized.  To date, their voice has gone unnoticed, whenever they say something.

It was not until working through the subject of this thread, and the content therein, that I * saw * how they must * feel * and it
stirred me to think about it. 

As such I created a thread yesterday, "Patronizing ...... people" http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=6469.0 to which dear Cats Paw kindly posted. 

So as one believer to another, Romans 8:28 once again. 

And also, that He is in charge!  Grateful for that too!

Thanks ever so much, Carolyn, for being led to create this thread.   Also, I feel sure that for any seeking (visiting - non posting) "Guest" or a "Newbie" member, who comes to this place of solace and refuge for resources, who knows, your thread, this thread, may well just provide much needed answers and moments of validation, in their own life journey.

Much love,

Leah


((( TT )))  and  ((( Amber )))


PS >   No need to reply to these, my ramblings, Carolyn, just thought I would share.

[Certain Hope]

((((((((((Leah))))))))))  I wish that I could say that I've never objectified other human beings, but that's not so. It's what I learned from my Mother and what I practiced (in my own particular way) for many years... mainly because I felt so alien to the rest of humanity.

That ignorant old "us vs. them" mentality has crumbled to dust... and I have my npd ex-husband and God by His grace to thank for that.
And yet, at times, it resurfaces in my most intimate connections... with husband and children... especially when I'm feeling taken for granted.
At such times, I think back to how I felt with npd-ex - - - like an accessory, a mere keychain/bauble in his hands...
and I know that will never happen again in my life, because I have truly seen the difference between ordinary human inconsistencies and shallow disrespects & malignantly narcissistic manipulations. As you've written here... the pathological ones demand that you join them in their delusion and they simply will never acknowledge their part in any wrongdoing. The moment that pattern appears, I am g o n e.

I am also on vacation (at home) from now till 3 January, so hope to be able to do alot more reading

Love to you, Sister

Carolyn

[lighter]

::taking deep relaxing breath picturing Carolyn at home peacefully reading during her vacation::

Merry Christmas to you.

[SallyingForth]

Objectification:
Most abusers lack empathy. They dehumanize and treat people like inane objects, extensions of themselves, or instruments to be played as they wish. Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuses are all forms of dehumanization and objectification. They view their victim as nothing more than a comfortable, old chair that can be easily discarded should it become uncomfortable. In other words, their level of comfort is their only concern and they will sell you down the river to hold onto that comfort.

Hi Carolyn,
When I first joined this community in 2005 I wanted to use the user name, objectified, but it was already in use. It was so appropriate for my life as a child. My biological father [psychopath/N] objectified me in every sense of the word. I was a non-human to him.

My Nmother did the same thing.  ... their level of comfort is their only concern and they will sell you down the river to hold onto that comfort. She literally did sell me to my bioFather in exchange for money.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Sally,

Welcome back to the board. I've only recently begun to recognize the full impact of such depersonalization on those who are subjected to it. I'm so sorry you experienced this and hope that you'll find great comfort and inspiration here. (((((((Sally)))))))

Dear Lighter,

Thanks... Merry Christmas to you, too!


With love,
Carolyn