Greatest Fear

[Lupita]

Hop, please, think inside you and try to discover, if by any chance you have ruined things for your daughter in some unintentional way. Just food for thought. I have always thought that kids do not dislike thier parents just for nothing. There has to be a reason.

[Lupita]

In my case I overprotected my son. And he tells me. "My friends do not respect me because of you" etc. We always do something, there is no caus wiht out effect nor effect with out cause.
Like fat women who say I do not know how come I am fat, I do not eat at all. I was obese in the past. Einstein said from nothing, nothing can be made. So, there must be soemthing.

[Hopalong]

Hi Lupita,

If I began the list of mistakes I made with my daughter I would be up all night.
Absolutely, I contributed to some of her troubles and behaviors.

Overprotection was definitely one. I think you may have read about some of the others, my selfishness in choosing a foolish second marriage over staying single until she was 18 was a big one.

But the most of it I have to hand over to her now. She has also been enormously loved and cared for and supported by me.

So it's up to her now what she does with the mix.

love
Hops

[teartracks]

Dear Hops,

I just composed a brilliant (kind of the big one that got away) response to your thread concerning your daughter but it vanished into thin air.  I'll give it another not so brilliant try.

Have you encounered people whose first answer (and often final answer) to an idea or suggestion is always NO?  I have, and it has always puzzled me because it seems like such a self-limiting approach to life and its many issues.  Anyway, I decided to ask one of these people who I was pretty sure would give me an honest answer, why their first answer to everything was no.  I do believe he was honest.  His answer was, when I respond that way, it means that I have made up my mind and I need no further input.  Being one who believes that it is good to have many counselors, this seems bass ackwards to me, but I have to respect his honesty.  I'm wondering if your daughter is one of these people.  If she is, then I think it sets the stage for you to depersonalize her response (as much as is possible for a mother) and give her the liberty to exercise her inalienable right to be wrong.

From the heart of another mommy who believes she understands your pain.

tt

[sea storm]

Dear Hops,

Your daughter is having tantrums. This is pretty immature. Not worth taking personally. I know this sounds awefully simploistic. However, when raging bull is attacking, step aside. She seems to get very young when she is tired and frazzled.

You never deserve to just stand there and take. it.  You are such a good person. Believe in yolurself. Your daughter is going to have to live her own life and face the consequences for lashing out at people. At this point you let it cut you to ribbons.
So if precious treasure and beloved daughter is tired and cranky and giving you an earful it might be better to cut if short. For some reason this kiid bullies you. Maybe she needs you to be strong and say "You are tired and cranky and hurting my feelings. Goodnight"
I had to do that with my daughter who is thirty. I loved that kid. Stlll do. But I had to tell her I was tired of being her verbal punching bag.  Now I wont' tangle with her and she has reduced her lashing.

Oh I just hope what I say helps a little. Your love for your daughter is so big and beautiful and lI think she is a silly girl who is squandering your relationship.

Love

Sea storm

[Hopalong]

Hi TT, I do feel very very understood. Thank you so much. And "her inalienable right to be wrong" is a fantastic (and funny) phrase. I'll commit that one to memory. Depersonalizing it when she's having hissy fits, is exactly precisely the mature thing I need to do. Golden advice...

Thank you too, Sea. The best on-the-spot specific is just what you said, if she's hurting my feelings, cut it short.

And Beth, thank you (very belatedly, sorry) for the reminder to not make excuses for her. She did make those choices, a lot of rage in them back then, though she took most of it out on herself. But still, even a dead Dad is no excuse to chew holes in a mother who is loving to you.

GS, from the other thread where you've also been so very kind and supportive, thank you...

I'm happy to say that our farewell this morning was a big surprise. I met her in a nearby city for breakfast while she had her car taken care of (she leaves with the UHaul tonight with two friends along to help, bless them). We had a wonderful talk and she was very open. Said she's scared to death, can't believe she's moving so far to a huge city where she knows not a soul, and I told her she is totally capable, and though she's scared she's also excited. She also reminded me several times to send her directions to the local congregation of our church, which I totally didn't expect. When we said goodbye she wouldn't stop hugging me and then she cried. I felt bad for her but it was very healing for me to see she will miss me. She kept waving and saying I love you until we coudln't see each other. Knock me over with a feather. So my heart's at peace and she's well and truly on her own. I'll be going there for a few days in March to visit.

Thanks to all of you for holding my hand through the last gasps of untangling enmeshment!

I feel relief. The distance will help her complete the individuation she needs, and leave me more freedom too. And it seems pretty clear to me that we'll be close as adults now. A new kind of thing.

love
Hops

 

[seasons]

Hops,

I am so happy for the both of you. I felt the love from you both. You are such a brave, supportive mother, thank you for sharing so deeply. I have taken away so much and hope I one day, as mine spread their wings and fly.... I  can be as loving as a mother as you!

Hops
oxox always seasons

[changing]

Hoppy You Dear Thing-

I am so proud of both of you. You have really passed a difficult milestone so beautifully- you have fortified your daughter and given her what only you can- a feeling of pleasing her mother and of being whole in her eyes. I am so happy for you both.

Love and Joy,

Changing