Very unhappy new year.

[Lupita]

I said since yesterday that I wanted to set my self back and remove my self from the issue. But she called me today and made me very nervous.

I saw GF tonight and she looked fine. She told me that her mother was very worried and that she told her to stop sleeping with my son. I asked what are you going to do. She said nothing. She seemed OK and she did not look mad to see me. She did not talk to me but answered anything politely. When my son music teacher came to us, she immediately started talking to him. She did a good job. So, she just does not talk to me. But she does not talk to her mother either.

I was very nice to her. When my son finished playing I said I enjoyed the music and that I will leave. I said good bye to my son and all the musicians and I left.

So, I do not know if something happened. She told me that her mother was mad and I know she was mad because she called me to tell me.

I wish I can excuse this N woman, worried about her little princes having sex with my prince. I have to give her some empathy.

Whatever happenes, I know that I am a good mother and I do not know why GF went to bed with my son so soon. Maybe that is the way now. When I was dating sexy dancing bad boy it took me three months to accept his advances. I think these kids went to bed the first week they were dating. These are very different times. When I was young if you lived with somebody you were kicked out of church. Now, churches have many couples that just live together and no problem.

Anyway, I wish I couls excuse the woman for wanting to obligate my son and her daughter to get married. She does not understand that now a days it is not the end of the world to have sex.

Like Izzy said my son might get tired of so much drama. The girl is not as bad as the mother. My son thinks that she can be educated. And my son knows a lot about human behavior. He understand more than me.

The reason why my son is wiser than me is because I love him unconditionally and he knows that and he knows that I welcomed him into this worls. That he was a blessing in my life.

My mother did not welcome me into this world, and she told me.

OK, I will minimize my contacts with GFM and stay away from the relationship. Good that vacation are almost over and they will be busy with college, and they will see less often and GFM will be less nervous.

[Lupita]

I will try for this to be the last post about GFM. I am tired of fearing her. I need to get her out of my head.
She said something very unhealthy on New Year's day at the kitchen. My son is recieving a little help from his grand father on his father side. It is just rent for his apartment. My son works to pay his car, his car insurance, his gasoline, car repairments. I put him under my policy car, and co-signed for his loan. University Tuition is on school because good grades in high school, University pay full tuition for all students from highschools of the same state, with a high GPA. I do not want my son to come live with me. Not because I do not enjoy his presence, but because I do not want my depression to affect him more than the 17 years he lived with me. If he gets married, grand father will not pay his rent anymore. That means another job for him, he needs to concentrate on his studies, he already works a lot. She needs to way one year, so son graduates from university. He is a senior. Plus that would give time for them to know each other.
What she told me is that she wants them to get married and hide it from grand father so he keeps paying the rent. I thought that that is very dishonest. Marriage is a life changing event. You should not hide it from a person that has been helping for four years. I am grateful for that help, because it was good for my son to go to live in university. Dormitories are expensive, apartments, even if they are shared among students, are very expensive. I think she is pushing too much. I wish they go away and live far from both of us. I really think that I am less selfish with my son that she is with her daughter. Her daughter does not talk, she answers everything for her. She just keep her mute. Like I said first and Hopalong grasped at it.
I do not wish my son to have to take another job to pay rent, I do not wish them to marry at three months relationship, if she was not pushing so much, they would be taking it easier.
The girls wants to work, and have a career, she told me that she wants to be finatially responsible. So, GFM is telling her that she needs somebody to protect her, that she cannot drive on the highway, it is dangerous, that she needs somebody to take care of her. GFM is so retarded. I mean, not mentally retarded, just retrograde, going backwards, unhealthy. GFM is a widow but she was always taken care by her husband, she married an older older guy to have a father for her. GF is 20 years old, that is an adult. Not 12 years old. My son is 22, there is no way he is going to be a father for a 20 yo. Plus, it is unhealthy.
I will pray and advise my son to be honest with his grand father, and wait after graduation, one year to proppose if that is what he wants to do.
Then, I have to just wait, and pray, and leave him alone.
I rest my case, I have no energy. All my vacation have bee taken by GFM drama. I need to enjoy my last 2 days of no work.
Please, God, give me peace and protect my son.

[Lupita]

Why do I feel so bad and powerless!!!

[alone48]

Lupita,

 I can certainly understand your concerns, but it sounds like you have raised an honorable and decent young man. I doubt, from all you have said, that he would be willing to enter into this deceit of his grandfather. Gf may just keep pushing hard enough, she'll push herself right out of the picture. We can always hope.

[Hopalong]

Hi Lup,

I thought of you last night when I caught a bit of some show on The Learning Channel about cross-cultural relationships, and they talked about how hard it is to blend two families when people marry. One woman was saying that in her culture a son always stays with his mother full-time until marriage, and that's what's normal.

It helped me imagine how you might be feeling here, where the assumptions are all so different.

You're a good mother, a very smart woman, and I know you will be able to figure this out. Maybe, just maybe, it might help to say something about cultural differences (if or when it becomes that serious with your S and the GF). You know, "In my culture this is what everyone assumes, this is what is taken for granted, so it's difficult for me at times to recognize that people do different things here, and I may have reactions that other people might find strange or inappropriate. But I'm also just reflecting what I was taught about mothers and sons, in my culture... I am adapting as fast as I can.")

Just an idea, and maybe not wise--please toss if it's premature or feels too vulnerable.

love
Hops

[lighter]

::evil giggle::

I can't believe they told you GFM gave her daughter the order to stop sleeping with your son, lol.

I wonder if she delivered it with the admonishment....."Why buy the cow, if you can get the milk for free?"

Argh.... and these kids are only 20 and 22.  What happened to her daughter's wish to finish school and have a career?

Just window dressing shop talk leading up to a marriage and 'being taken care of?"

I'd teach my child to drive on the highway..... not depend on a man to do it for her, in any case.  And why marry her off to a young man if their agenda is to just get this girl taken care of?

Why not choose a man who's already made a fortune and's old enough to actually BE her father?

[Lupita]

Lighter, I think GFM is delusional. I only say what I have see, what has happened and what they have told me. GF ignores me. GFM is crazy, calls me several times a day. Today I just did not answer. She drives me crazy. I totally think she is an N and that she just raised a princess as a dream for her self.

It is very sad for me that nobody understands me. How can GFM ask me that my son should marry her dughter and hide it from his grand father so he can still apy the rent?

That is totally unreasonable. Why does she want to get rid of her daughter? For some people, just the fact that the person to be married is enough, to have a marriage certificate, is something special, even if they divorce later. My hypothesis.

Have you read the complete thread?

GFM called me and told me that she told GF to not to stay anymore in son's apartment. I asked her if shw was going to comply with that and she said no. That was yesterday.

Your last answer made a lot of sense. Now, I do not understand.

Alone48, I really hope that you are right. What is the purpose to marry a musician and yauning at concert. She does all the time.

Why does she want my son? Probably the gilr likes my son and GFM just wants marriage. GFM is a controler, probably and N.

I nenver stop thinking about the coffee with cream.

I am tired. I guess I will not get any sympathy. Any wya I already had enough good advises. Finding Peace, Alone, CB. and many have given me nice advice. Even you lighter told me something I agree, she was raised to be a rich man's pet.

Then why did she put her eyes on my son? No money, musician, not finatially independent, etc. GFM is not being realistic and wants to convert my son in what she would like. I am tired.

Somebody said I have to trust my son. I am very tired. Exhausted. Probably housewives would not like that I wish for my son to marry a woman that works outside home and contributes.

JUst feel very sad.

GF bothers me in the fact that she ignores me and does not talk to me. But, that is not that much. GFM is the one that bothers me because she is pushing me and pressing me and my son, why? I dont know, like another member told me that she is behaving like a used car sales man.

Why does she want so hardly to make her daughter married? I dont know and I am very tired.

[lighter]

Lupita:

I can guess that GFM has the idea of planning a big white wedding, and bouncing grandchildren, in mind..... having her daughter off her plate financially?

Aside from that.... I'm just so glad that 'even I' could provide something helpful once in a while; )

[Lupita]

Lighter, GFM is not rich, but she does not have to work. She has a nice check from the bank that her husband left for her, and a nice house already paid, she can support her daughter forever. She does not need anybody to support her daughter. Why does she say what she says? I dont know. The girl has money to go to a private university left by her father.
GFM wants a husband for her daughter that she can control. Period. My Hypothesis.

Lighter why do I have the idea that you are mad at me?

Do you see a MIL that dislike the GF?

Why do I feel that you are mad at me?

Am I right or I am just paranoid?

Just very paranoid becuase I believe GFM is going to control my son?

Bad, my son is a god boy. He might survive this well.

Are you mad at me?

[Lupita]

Lighter, am I losing your friendship?

Is it that you just do not identify wiht  my problem?

Why am I so afraid that you would be mad at me?

[Lupita]

I am just very sad and tired.

[lighter]

Please don't despair in my direction. 

You have enough on your plate.

I was just pointing out your comment.....

not meant to make you feel threatened.

Just aware.

(((Lupita)))

You have my friendship.

haven't you figured that out yet?

[Lupita]

No Lighter, I doubt everything, I do not trust my perceptions, and at the minimun thing i feel abandoned and rejected.
I resent that Observer has not come back. I feel lonely.
Suddenly I felt sarcasm and that kills me. I was afraid that I was going to be attacked. Maybe I offended you by expressing my problems losing my son and you felt that I was being unfair since your MIL had been bad to you. I was afrain I offended you.
Maybe I am not making my self understood.
I am not saying that you did anything wrong. I am just sayng that I felt you were getting mad at me.
Yes I thought you were a wonderful friend. I just got scared. I felt sarcasm.
Sorry.

[lighter]

Lupita.... if you see ; ) then I'm smiling when I post....

and most likely amused, certainly not angry. 

That you wrote....

"Even you, Lighter told me something I agree" I thought it deserved a wink; )

You haven't done anything wrong..... and I'm not siding with your GF and her mother bc I'm not in a good place with my own MIL. 

As for Observer, I'm sorry she/he felt exploding and stomping off the board was necessary.

I know you miss her. 

How's that cog T workbook coming?

Maybe you need to dive into that for a while and journal some?