Observer----> Stubbornly refuse to feel miserable

[Lupita]

Stubbornly  refuse to feel miserable

Stubbornly  refuse to feel miserable
Observer!!!!!!!!!!!! I found the book. it costs 23.00. So I did not buy it. I will buy it later. But I stayed at Borders and read 35 pages. I loved it.
believe it or not, I instantly started to feel better and identified with the book. To the point that I was in a very bad mood and after the 35 pages I was feeling different.

One of the things that hit me on the head was the following:

People must be considerate and fair to me. if people are not fair to me, they should be punished and suffer for being unfair to me.

I always feel bad when people are unfair to me. The analysis the book gives to that statement is tremendous.
People are human and constantly unfair to many other humans. The chances that somebody will be unfair to you is 99%. If you punish people for being unfair, you will be punishing people all the days of your life. Also, if I-you expect people to be fair, you-I am-are going to be disappointed all the time, and frustrated all the time and that will take you to sadness and loneliness.

It would be nice that people were nice and fair, but chances are that people will not be fair or nice, and there is no reason why I or you have to feel bad because of the actions of others.

We can still be reasonably happy despite the unfairness of this world.

Now, I need to internalize that so I do not feel bad because my son has fallen in love with an N. He will relize what he did with time. He is only 22. I do not have to think that he is being unfair to me because he does not listen to me. He is just being a young man.

I am going to Barnes and Noble to read all evening until they kick me out of there. If I do not finish it I will go get it from the public library.

Observer, that book is fantastic.

By the way I am half way in the other book of cognitive therapy  by David Burns.

Hope to hear from you soon.

And you dear friends, what do you think?

[sunblue]

Hi Lupita:

I read your comments with interest.  I'm most curious about the use of the word "fair" and its definition.  To me there is a tremendous difference between deliberately hurting someone and being "unfair" to them.  Being unfair is also hurtful.  To me, unfair means giving one of your children 5 gifts at Christmas and the other two children only 1 gift.  Unfair is ignoring one child over the other.  Unfair is taking out your bad day on your spouse or child when your circumstances had nothing to do with them.  In my mind, unfair is both painful and wrong.  We all know life is unfair.  It's not fair that someone gets a job over you because they know someone who works at the company and you don't.  It's not fair that your neighbor wins the lottery after playing one time when you've never won once after playing the game for 10 years.  It's not fair that one family is blessed with beautiful, healthy children while another is given children with disabilities or terminal illnesses.  So life is unfair.

BUT, when someone you know treats you unfairly, that is a form of deliberate hurt in my estimation.  Are people perfect?  Sure enough NO.  Will people, even those you love, hurt you?  Yes they will.  But in my mind, the difference is how they react after the wrong behavior.  Do they acknowledge that they were being unfair?  Do they apologize?  Do they recognize that their actions hurt you?  Because I believe most people know that they are being unfair.  Ns know they are being unfair when they lavish attention on the golden child, and ignore the others.  They simply DON"T CARE.  That is hurtful and wrong.

So I guess I would have a hurt time turning the other cheek completely when someone has been unfair to me.  Unfairness to me is deliberate and conscious.  It is hurtful and they know it.  They simply don't care.

Again, people are imperfect and they will hurt and disappoint you, even when that's not their intention.  But it's how they handle it afterwards that counts.  If they refuse to acknowledge it, deny it or refuse to apologize, then it shows they don't care that they hurt you or were unfair to you....In those circumstances, they don't deserve forgiveness in my book.

Just a thought

[Lupita]

The book talks about how not to allow that other people's actions make you feel sad or devaluated. No matter what their intention was. That you do not suffer for it.

Can I do it. No. I am trying. I am still disgusted for my son unconsiderate behavior towards me.

About ofrgiveness, it does not depend on the people deserving or asking ofr it. It depends on the person who is going to forgive. Forgiveness is good for the person who is hurt, not for the offender.

Anout the other chick, forgiveness does not mean that you are not going to put your self in a situation in which you will be hurt again by the same offender. Forgiveness is about not to have bad feelings ofr the ofender and not to do anything agains the offender.

Anyway, I am not the expert. I am only a biginner 1. K5. Kindergarten, that is where I am. Trying to learn. Observer is the one that knows about it.

[Lupita]

Sometimes I think he hates me.

[Lupita]

Observer, unfortunately, the neurosis anxiety I had this evening was so high high that I had to take an axiety pill. I feel I cheated, but it was necessary. Izzy called my attention. Wanting to vomit was too much. Beyond my control. Hope that next time I can do it with my mental power and my book exercises.

[Gaining Strength]

Lupita - taking anxiety medicine IS NOT CHEATING!!!  That is taking care of yourself every bit as much as reading the book and doing the thought exercises.  Taking your medicine is taking care of yourself.

[Lupita]

OK friends, in Observer absence, can somebody help me prepare for my future four days? I need t be strong and not to be affected for whatever happens, whatever they do. I have to smile, I have to be mature.

Anybody here has worked cognitive therapy?

[Gaining Strength]

I suspect what I do fits the catagory of Cognitive Behavior.  I monitor my thoughts and feeling and label the dysfunctional ones as FALSE and I find positive ones to replace them.  It is a simple process that under trying, stressful times such as the X-mas holidays I am much less effective than at other times.  But even even I cannot effect a change I know that I am making progress just by having the will to change and the desire to change.  The intention alone sparks a small change in my brain patterns and that is of value in this lpng process of overwriting old brain patterns.

[Lupita]

Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I will do that. Thank you. I will trait my hari with a conair ceramic, and dress very very elegant. I will do that. Thank you. it is a wonderful idea. In fact, nobody had told me that. I am imagining the party. That is just a wonderful idea.

I did not know you played the piano. You never talked about that. What kind of music? Who taught you?

[Lupita]

GS, you are absolutly right. You have to replace the unreasonable thoughts with more reasonable thoughts. Like GFM is the diable. No, she is not. She just wants her daughter to be happy and to have a husband. That is normal. I just do not want my son to get married before he graduates. Plus, she wants to control everything. That remains me so much of my mother.

[Lupita]

Ceramic conair is a brother of a blow drier, but straits hair, the opposite of curly hair.

Bravo for teaching your self. That is not easy, Izzy. Made a rhyme. LOL

[Lupita]

It is refreshing.  A ghost of fresh air.

[Lupita]

I read today from p. 35 tp 47.

How to avoid frustration but expecting perfection of a task but not from our person. We can aim to perfomr one task at a level of perfection, but never for us to be perfect. And say it is preferable to....... instead we must.

He is very funny with the must statements.

Must statements are "Must-turbatory" and i really enjoyed that funny part.

That cognitive therapy is known since 2000 years ago, when some phylosophers said that we could feel good or bad depending in our point of view. Shakespeare in Hamlet said that everything was in the thought.

[Izzy_*now*]

Who wrote whatever book you are reading and when?

He might have snatched a bit from Wayne Dyer who called the Must statememnts as "Must-erbation" I saw Dyer on Donahue back in early 70s pushing that book and I bought it

"Your Erroneous Zones"
which Dyer now claims is not part of his best work.

[Lupita]

Albert Ellis - How to stubbornly refuse to feel miserable.