Starting another thread on marrying

[Bella_French]

Thanks Lighter; I love this topic!


I don't hold any strong views about whether people should marry young or older, or at all.

My guy and I are marrying this year though! Our engagement has been around 4 years long, which has been a nice amount of time to get our heads around the commitment and idea of sharing our lives with each other. I don't think I'd marry a second time, but this is our first so it holds a lot of meaning for both of us. I really can see myself living my life out with him, and loving him every moment. Each year gets better for us, and it started out good, so I am looking forward to this!

Lighter, I'm sorry you had to suffer through those rude comments from your MIL over the holidays. I can relate, as my (almost) MIL is very rude towards me at times too. I think it boils down to the fact that she wants more intimacy and time with her son than he feels comfortable with giving her. She's probably resentful that I have the attention from her son that she wants for herself (instead of finding herself a decent partner). Also, a lot of women from that generation saw marriage as a meal ticket and status symbol, and tend project that when they form opinions about other marriages. Still, it so hard to deal with the rude beahviour!!


Axa, I can relate to how it feels after you've been abused by men who you trusted. You learn SO much from those experiences though. I think abuse is what made me consciously understand what I really needed and valued in men. In a way it turned out to be a blessing. I am sure it will for you too.

X bella

[lighter]

Congratulations, Bella.  Your relationship sounds so hopeful.

I want to say that my MIL was only rude a very short time..... and only that length bc my H was telling me that his mother loved me.... wanted to be part of my life and wedding plans....

he was gaslighting me about her feelings or projecting how he wanted her to feel, not sure but matters not, now.

She didn't even hold our child at the hospital... she just sat slumped in the corner of my room and refused to look at her.

There were other things but.... like I said..... it didn't last long. 

[changing]

Dear Lighter-


 

Love,

changing

[lighter]

You'd think I would have caught on when she said....

"My son never played the hero before" while looking through our wedding pictures, as though I was some poor dumb knocked up slut he rescued

The fact that he'd never done anything heroic in his own mother's eyes shouldn't have been lost on me either but....WHOOSH!  It sailed right over my confused little peanut head, lol.

Lord.... she managed to chuck so much into such a short span of time: /

[Lupita]

Lighter, do you talk to your MIL? Do you see her? Do you resent her behavior?

[Bella_French]

Congratulations, Bella.  Your relationship sounds so hopeful.

I want to say that my MIL was only rude a very short time..... and only that length bc my H was telling me that his mother loved me.... wanted to be part of my life and wedding plans....

he was gaslighting me about her feelings or projecting how he wanted her to feel, not sure but matters not, now.

She didn't even hold our child at the hospital... she just sat slumped in the corner of my room and refused to look at her.

There were other things but.... like I said..... it didn't last long. 

Its good to hear that the beahviour didn't last, Lighter. JUst a thought; perhaps your husband was right, and your MIL really did like and love you. But there may have been an inherent conflict that got in the way. So many relationships are like that, sadly. Conflicts of interests make expressing love so hard.

X bella

[lighter]

I haven't spoken to my MIL in over a year, Lupita.

She made it quite clear, in e mails I intercepted, that her widdle puddin didn't have to feel badly about cheating on the nasty mother of her grandchildren.  She topped herself in that one by accusing me of behaving provacatively with the nasty fish gut fly covered Haitian hired help who were actually staring at my boobs, not the other way round.  These men had many children by many women they never married..... they were disrespectful, lazy and incompetent.  Not likely that I'd spend time behaving provocatively around them.  One didn't even speak english so I usually hid when he came around bc he liked to smile really big and talk for an hour with me just smiling and nodding, unable to understand anything he said.  I did understand it when his adorable wife said that she had no intention of tying her tubes after the twins were born.... their 4th and 5th children..... "God put many many babies in my belly" was her exact quote.

I assume my MIL's e mail clued H in that she wouldbe willing to lie on the stand, about my alleged behavior.

Before that, she and my FIL called me a liar when I called them for help.  They proclaimed the only problem in the marriage was that I made my H work too hard and spent too much money, which is curiouse bc he never even consulted me when he bought our house.  He had me feeling so guilty, I never asked for anything....., much less asked something expensive.  It all represented work for me, in any case.   I renovated 3 story property with a toddler and baby on my hip while he was back here cheating and pigging up our lives.  Eh.... I suppose he was feeding his parents a version of me that wasn't too flattering this entire time.  Can't really blame them for everything but..... Lupita.... you don't want to alienate the woman your son marries, that's for sure.

After H fessed up to the affairs.... she e mailed me that she'd love to see me last Christmas.... she was so sorry she ever doubted me, etc.  No mention of his terroizing me, assualting me or threatening to leave the children and I penniless, become a deadbeat father.  I just didn't have it in me to discuss it,and I sent back a very polite e mail asking her not to contact me again..... wished her a merry christmas.   She wrote him that she felt I would be accusing him of cruel treatment so he'd best beware.... she didn't think I'd back down so get a lawyer to convince the judge I was insatiably greedy.  They labled my e mail "scathing."  No surprises there.  They do egriously bad things to me..... and I;m accused of doing them wrong.... hmmmmm.   

So no.... we don't really speak at this time.

Bella..... I think she came to appreciate me but I'm quite sure she didn't love me in the beginning.  I think she was upset that he sprung the marriage on her without consulting her,

understandable...

but then he told her it was my idea to elope (not) and she was upset she didn't get to attend the wedding.  I;m assuming that was what set her off... I could be wrong.  From there on out, I couldn't do anything right.  I chose too inexpensive and few wedding gifts on my wedding registry, which I didn't want in the first place.  Second wedding... 37 yo, already had my own house and stuff.  I didn't need anything.  If I wanted to do some renovating at his lake home... I had to hear how much money that would cost... did I know how hard he worked" etc.... and that's all he ever talked about, of course I knew.  I took on all other duties so he could work, ahem... that's what he called his alternative lifestyle.... 'work.'  I still can't hear that word without scoffing inside. 

She later did silly things like picked on the way I dressed my oldest...."your SIL always puts your niece in a nice dress" so I start doing it to then mine was in a tulle dress and her cousin was always in jeans every holiday and visit we all attended.   

I never saw the my niece in anything but jeans, come to think of it, why would I let her confuse me with silly contradicting statements like that? 

I wanted her to like me, is why. 

Oh well...... believe them when they tell you who they are.

Don't make the first excuse. 

It doesn't change anything, it just prolongs it. 

 If I kidded myself that she liked me..... I'd be doing myself  a disservice by doubting my reality. 

I'm so tired of doubting my reality, Bella.

[Lupita]

But what did you do for her to like you? My son's GF does nothing. She is arrogant with me and ignores me.

[Lupita]

Dear Lighter, I cannot fight with you, I love the image that you have projected to me with the wise advises you have been giving me. plus, I really appreciate your intelligence and your good heart. I wish, if possible to have a respectful discussion with you about why, a doughter in low should not do an effort to gain and earn the sympathy of a mother in low. Now, I am not talking about an irrational mother in low like yours, who insulted you deeply. I am talking when nothing has happened. She just ignores me. She thinks she can make it with out me. Of course on the short run she can make my son marry with out my help. BUt, dont you think that the husband is going to resent that the wife does not work to earn his mother love? Dont you think that that daughter in low will have more harmony in her house if she is nice to the mother in low? Does she want that the son goes to see his mother wiht out her? Will he resent that his mother cannot enjoy the grand children? Dont you think that he wants to enjoy his children with his mother too?
If the mother in low does not live with them, why does GF have to be against her? Why cant she do an effort to give some comfort to the mother who is seeing her son going away?
I remember an aunt of mine who helped her daughter in low, advising strongly her son to go back with his wife. That marriage was almost destroyed and my aunt worked hard so my cousin went back to his wife.
My mother and my SIL are enemies. My brother is always against the wall.
Why do I have to walk on egg shells for young selfish woman? I just want her to talk to me and to be friendly. Other than that, I do not need anything from her but just to love my son.
In the three months we have been together only four times. I beg her to come to the group so we can chat. She calls my son and takes him into another room. If I go to them she just gets up and goes to another room. I already told her that I wish to be friends with her.
Again, last night she was looking on the other direction, all the time!!!!!!! I asked when do you go back to school, she answered, Monday. How many classes are you taking? She said four. But when my son teacher came to say hello she talked to him very nicely.
She dispise me. I have not done anything to her. What I want is not at all irrational. I am not against their relationship, not even aginst marriage. Just want graduation, and to know each other better. A year, is that too much to ask?
Lighter, I am sorry you were insulted by your MIL, but I am not like her. So, why is GF so arrogant? She only has three months with my son.

[Lupita]

She was youning last night, like 20 times, during my son playing. His teacher pointed it out. And that is what son is going to be doing all his life. Music. She is youning. It is boring for her.

[Leah]

She was youning last night, like 20 times, during my son playing. His teacher pointed it out. And that is what son is going to be doing all his life. Music. She is youning. It is boring for her.

Dear Lupita,

I take it that the GF was yawning and visibly bored and that your son's music teacher noticed this and made comment about it to your son?

If that is the case, then your son has someone of integrity in the outer circle, which is all to the good, for your son.

Love, Leah

[lighter]

She sounds like she's very pretty and used to being the center of attention.

I don't know how her mother raised her but it sounds like she raised her to be a rich man's pet

You're son will soon realize that he's being groomed for a particular position..... doting, fawning and won't that get old after a while?

Esp when his friends are getting jobs and concentrating on their careers and he's struggling to get out of the house..... away from his insecre lazy wife?

I think he'll figure her out if he sticks to his guns and doesn't marry anytime real soon.  

Surely his friends get the same pushing away..... insecure fearful reaction from her?

Not only you?

They might have a couple things to say to your son too.

She does't want to share him or let him enjoy time away from her.... she doesn't praise him or join him in his interests.

After they've had sex all over the house and everywhere they can.... I don't think he'll be so blindly smitten with her anymore.

Do you?

BTW..... aside from the time I drove out of the State and let them hanging without a goodbye...... I was always friendlier to my MIL than she was to me.

I was undaunted in that department.  I was cheerful and I saw it as quite funny after a while and just kept plugging away..... like....

I'd sweep her  up in a bearhug when I saw her and she's not the type to hug, lol.

I'd talk to her like I talk to you guys.... just matter of factly, the truth and I think she was caught off gaurd by that.

It got better though but only after I set that boundary.

Then she'd say things to bug her other DIL like...... Lighter's the prettiest girl here..... My son should show up to family gatherings.

I was very stunned that they backed him over the affairs, assault and ongoing threats by shifting attention to what they thought I was doing wrong.

All you can do is show your son you're not a threat to his gf so he's free to see her clearly.... when he's defending her.... he doesn't see clearly.

[Lupita]

Thank you Lighter. Just a clarification. The college professor, music teacher, pointed it out to me. Not to my son. My son was playing.
Thank you so much for your answer.

[Ami]

Dear Bella,
  Congratulations, dear friend. I am SO  happy for you. I know that you already mentioned some special things about him ,but if you care to share any more,I would love to hear. I would love to hear, particularly, HOW you communicate---deal with anger,FOO pain  you each  have, etc.Do you feel like you can tell him"anything"? Do you feel like he can see the "real" you--good and bad-- and still love you?
 If you don't care to talk about it,I understand. Maybe ,I should start a thread on communicating in relationships.                    Love   Ami