Author Topic: ultimatum is for January, on the marriage  (Read 2483 times)

reallyME

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ultimatum is for January, on the marriage
« on: December 31, 2007, 12:10:13 PM »
I'm not sure if I dropped the ultimatum of my leaving NH or if I kept it, but the truth is, unless he stops letting ND be the wife/mother in this home, I AM leaving.

Two days ago, my husband was talking to me about the living room and what he wants to do to fix it up.  ND butted in and said "what's this you said you were gonna do?"  He told her, and she said "that would look awful!"  (as if it was HER choice)

Today she asked him "don't you think you need to be working on the taxes soon?"  (again, NOT HER BUSINESS NOR PLACE)

Things are getting icky.  I talked to him, told him how I feel...please pray.  talk soon..daughter is taking me to lunch...not ND

~Laura

lighter

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Re: ultimatum is for January, on the marriage
« Reply #1 on: December 31, 2007, 12:27:41 PM »
Well, Laura.

I don't know how things got to this point for you..... but I'm sure they won't magically change for anyone involved.

You spend so much time resenting things your daughter says and does to you.... the time and attention she gets from your husband.

I think your time would be better spent gaining your husband's understanding.

The retreat you went on...... it helped you understand each other and yet..... here you are with the same problems and this desperate ultimatum before you. 

If you give the ultimatum, if he can't make the grade..... then what?

Ami

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Re: ultimatum is for January, on the marriage
« Reply #2 on: December 31, 2007, 12:28:55 PM »
Dear Laura,
 I wish that I could help you. I will pray for sure, starting now. If there is anything that I can do,in any way,I will. I am so grateful to you for your friendship.
  You are really connected to God. He will lead you in or out of your marriage. Do you agree, Laura? Keep us posted of what is happening. I am sorry that your D and H seem to be in such a destructive duo within your family structure. It is up to your H to stop it,it seems to me. Your D needs a kick in the rear ,so to speak.     Love    Ami


(((((((((((Laura))))))))))))))
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

reallyME

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Re: ultimatum is for January, on the marriage
« Reply #3 on: December 31, 2007, 01:09:26 PM »
lighter, I forget...are you married ?  how is yours going?

I'll continue to post about ND as long as I need to and I will also keep confronting NH as well, since he does have some lucid moments when he actually hears me and considers what I say to him.

~Laura

lighter

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Re: ultimatum is for January, on the marriage
« Reply #4 on: December 31, 2007, 01:39:15 PM »
Just curiouse ReallyMe.

Yoiu aren't an active PM kind'a gal, are ya?

reallyME

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Re: ultimatum is for January, on the marriage
« Reply #5 on: December 31, 2007, 01:44:13 PM »
Quote
Lighter: Yoiu aren't an active PM kind'a gal, are ya?

awwwwwwwww...what gave it away?  I'm pretty much a pms girl too :)

~Laura

lighter

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Re: ultimatum is for January, on the marriage
« Reply #6 on: December 31, 2007, 02:10:33 PM »
lighter, I forget...are you married ?  how is yours going?

I'll continue to post about ND as long as I need to and I will also keep confronting NH as well, since he does have some lucid moments when he actually hears me and considers what I say to him.

~Laura


And you started with
Quote
unless he stops letting ND be the wife/mother in this home, I AM leaving.

I can't tell if who's doing what or why they're doing it, to tell ya the truth.

Every time you make a statement about your husband letting your daughter be the wife/mother figure in the home.... it really makes me stop and think about what you wrote, I'll tell you that.

If he's really having lucid moments..... he wouldn't be allowing/enabling/encouraging this, between himself and his child.

And then there's the problems it causes in the family and marriage.  It's not enough that this type of behavior is dysfunctional for his grown daughter...... the other problems aren't enough to inspire change either?

And you keep referring to your daughter as an N, which is curiouse to me.... as though these family problems are somehow her fault..... you don't think she's the cause, do you?


By the way.... you can discuss ND till the cows come home, if you think that'll help your family. 

I would like to point out..... setting consequences,then failing to follow,through isn't the strongest position to occupy.  With children or adults.  Just my opinion.




Certain Hope

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Re: ultimatum is for January, on the marriage
« Reply #7 on: December 31, 2007, 02:29:04 PM »
Dear Laura,

You say that you're not sure whether or not you dropped the ultimatum...

do you mean that your husband may be thinking he's off the hook now and doesn't need to continue working on your marriage relationship?

Did he ever know about the ultimatum in the first place? I'm sorry, you may have said, but I've forgotten?

Mostly I'm sorry there's not a smoother path for you in all this.

With love,
Carolyn

changing

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Re: ultimatum is for January, on the marriage
« Reply #8 on: December 31, 2007, 02:33:54 PM »
Rm-

Perhaps Family Counseling with a professional counselor would be in order. You have said that you left your children and family for an extended period, and were also absorbed in outside activities when you were home, and that you apologized etc to the family. Given the delicate nature of your daughter's condition- teenager, soon to be a mother, counseling with a professional may give everyone an opportunity to talk about their feelings without fear of reprisal or abandonment, and provide ways of getting to new terms and appropriate communication. With the new baby will come new joys and new stressors as well, and time may be a factor- counseling now might be a great way to start the New Year!
I am sorry that you are having these problems and heartaches, but I know that you can get things straightened out with all of you pulling together!

Best,

Changing
« Last Edit: December 31, 2007, 05:52:11 PM by changing »

Overcomer

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Re: ultimatum is for January, on the marriage
« Reply #9 on: December 31, 2007, 06:56:30 PM »
Laura:  Ok, in an earlier post when we were complaining about our Hs and I laughed and said you were PMSing.................honey, it sounds like you are.  You remind me of ME.  You were so psyched and happy after your retreat weekend..............now you are ready to drop kick him.  You need to hide out a couple of days until the cloud passes and then start making ultimatums.....
Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"

teartracks

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Re: ultimatum is for January, on the marriage
« Reply #10 on: January 01, 2008, 12:25:36 AM »



Hi RM,

I don't know if I'm right or not, but I've always viewed and used ultimatums very cautiously.  Lately I've used the two sided coin phrase a lot, but the other side of the Ultimatum coin is the Begger.  Handing out an ultimatum could result in nothing more than you throwing  away everything for nothing at all and ending up wanting it back.
Something to ponder...

tt




reallyME

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Re: ultimatum is for January, on the marriage
« Reply #11 on: January 01, 2008, 02:16:45 AM »
Ok, firstly, my own diagnosis is Cyclothymia, so I will indeed take into consideration that some of my feelings are about myself.  Thank you for that reminder.

Secondly, Anna is mine and my husband's daughter

Thirdly, being that I have told you that my daughter and husband are both N's, or at least largely exhibit those traits (marriage weekend or not...it did not LAST, of course), my daughter refuses to go to counseling and get diagnosed/treated.  Her response is "I already know all about myself.  Nobody can tell me anything I don't know already and I'm not paying some quack to tell me what I know."

~Laura

Ami

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Re: ultimatum is for January, on the marriage
« Reply #12 on: January 01, 2008, 08:07:36 AM »
((((((((((((Laura))))))))))))))))                            Love   Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Leah

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Re: ultimatum is for January, on the marriage
« Reply #13 on: January 01, 2008, 08:27:10 AM »

Ok, firstly, my own diagnosis is Cyclothymia, so I will indeed take into consideration that some of my feelings are about myself.  Thank you for that reminder.

~Laura


Dear Laura,

Bear in mind that with your Thyroid diagnosis and thyroid medication, there is usually periods of 'highs and lows' as the thyroid levels fluctuate.

Love to you,

Leah
Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

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