Comment about "voice"

[CB123]

Hi all,

I have a comment that seems to be timely--I'm not really commenting because I dont know what I think about it (I do), but think it should be put out for consideration:

Several people lately have stated that they are finding, or have found, their voices and that what that looks like is something that speaks the truth plainly and kinda in-your-face-if-you-don't-like-it-tough.  I personally don't think that that is what finding your voice looks like--but it has occurred to me that "finding your voice" looks like different things to different people. So there is that observation.

The other observation is that it it much more likely goes back to my around-the-barn theory: that we dont really grow and mature in a linear fashion but more in a concentric-circle fashion.  Meaning that we really don't react much differently at the end of our lives than we did at the beginning, but we learn to finetune our responses, modify them to fit reality, conform them to the wisdom that we gain as we go along. 

So, if one intends to express one's voice by being in your face, my suspicion is that the in your face aspect was there all along and suppressed.  Not that the speaker was once shy and retiring and has discovered a true voice and is now in your face...anyway, that's what I suspect. 

I would say that I worry about some aspects of the in your face stance, except that worried is not really the right word.  I think its more feeling cautious in the face of that proclamation since that was the standard N-response I have gotten from the N's in my life--and I wonder if that kind of in your face stance will trigger people who have had a belly-full of it in their lifetime.  Will it trigger me?  I suspect so.  I'll let you know how I work it through.

So anyway, several of you all have made it clear that you don't want to hear from anyone who doesnt like in-your-face responses.  So that's why you probably won't hear from me.

Very sincerely,
CB

[alone48]

Cb.
I may not like in your face answers/responses, but if I just wanted to feel good I wouldn't post. I apreciate constructive critisism and hopefully take it in the spirit it is offered. I consider myself intelligent enough to know when I'm being attacked, which by the way I have never felt on this board. From the people I have seen posting, there isn't one that I think couldn't do  the same (determine if they are being attacked), so please have no fear in posting anything you feel would steer me in the right direction, it will be taken with that intent. Thanks

[reallyME]

alone, I think CB might have been saying that the others were the "in yer face" posters, not CB herself.  Am I right, CB?

Either way, CB, I have to say that, at first when you addressed me a while back, I felt very cornered.  Your communication style was similar to X in some ways, and immediately I backed up, prayed for you, but didn't do anything to get your dander up any further. 

Since that time, I have watched you come full circle in your communication and I think, life.  There is such a softness and kindness I've experienced in your posts, even if I didn't necessarily want to hear them or agree with them.  I have felt totally comfy with you as of recent.

I just want to give you a pat on the back and let you know...from one who used to feel very intimidated by you, I'm totally at ease now.

this board, these people, are SO GOOD for all of us.  I'm grateful I have ya'll...even those who might consider me a phony or a pompous idiot sometimes.  It's all good

~Laura

[CB123]

Laura,

I'm glad to know you feel at ease with me. 

Your post here arrived at the same time as my post on the your thread.

I wish that you felt at ease enough with me to hear my concern.  I don't know that you do. 

I know that you think that your harsh responses are and your extreme solutions (such as video cameras in people's homes) are expedient and honest and real.  I don't know what to make of the things that you say, except that they worry me.  Many, many of them worry me.  They do seem controlling.  They do seem abusive.

I'm sorry to have to say that in the light of what you have just written to me.  I would give a lot to see the pain that causes these responses to be healed.  I just do not have any idea what to offer you in the way of a remedy.  I am not wise enough to know.

CB

[reallyME]

ok back to sounding like X again. sigh...oh well

[Leah]

Interesting, this is what 'in your face' means to me personally ....

....arrogant, rude, ignorant, discourteous, lack of consideration, lack of respect, SHOUTING at you, URGING YOU HAVE TO DO etc etc.

Basically, one sided communication.


CB  you don't post that way, so therefore, you are not an 'in your face' poster!   

Love, Leah

[Certain Hope]

Interesting, this is what 'in your face' means to me personally ....

....arrogant, rude, ignorant, discourteous, lack of consideration, lack of respect, SHOUTING at you, URGING YOU HAVE TO DO etc etc.

Basically, one sided communication.


CB  you don't post that way, so therefore, you are not an 'in your face' poster!   

Love, Leah

That's what it means to me, also... and I find it repulsive, repugnant, crude, obnoxious, disgusting, and pathological.


Carolyn

[Leah]

I respect any Voice of openness, honesty and straightforward speaking, with consideration, care and respect to others.


But, I don't have much regard for 'in your face' controlling arrogant rude lack of respect and consideration ignorant SHOUTING and

URGING YOU MUST DO one sided type of interaction.
 

The difference to me is this;

>  A Blog site is where you simply type out your thoughts, reflections and feelings ..... with no expectation of interaction of any kind.

>  A Survival Support Message Board is where one would expect interaction and support, sharing, signposting, and hopefully, friendly interaction.


Authenticity and Non Judgemental is always appreciated.


Well, these are my thoughts, my voice 'n' view .... my 2 cents worth .... been to the international bank and changed my pennies 

Love, Leah ~  independent

[Gaining Strength]

CB - I rather think of the comment about "finding my voice ... no matter what you think" is something like a foal finding its legs - at first it is quite wobbly and unseemly but in time the foal establishes a steady foot and develops a beautiful gate.  I actually believe that for some whose voice has been suppressed for too long that when it comes in it comes in full force and with time and experience it will moderate.

I have found that I usually select to stay out of the line of fire of such a voice until it begins to moderate, simply because I find the experience as you and others have described - not relational but more unilateral.

MHO - GS

[reallyME]

and I say GOOOOOOOOOOOOO AMI!  You GO girl!

[axa]

CB

Very interesting thread.  I am making a response similiar to one I made on another thread but I would like to say it again.  I believe, and of course I may wrong, but I think finding voice is about hearing ONES OWN VOICE.  I see a significant shift in my voice in the past year.  I could always use my voice, I have always been a "wordy" kind of person, never short of an opinion and usually comfortable enough to add my 2 cents worth BUT what I had not figured out was that I was using my voice to get a response from the external world and was totally deaf to my own voice.  I was shouting at XN "I DO NOT WANT TO BE ABUSED" and yet I was staying with him when I knew the only way he can relate to anyone, and I mean anyone, is in an abusive manner.  I was shouting my words at him and I was not listening to myself.  The day I left him I heard my words for the first time and once I heard them I knew I could not stay with him.  In some ways it was so easy.  I also acknowledge the terrible pain I have felt during and after I have left him but when I heard myself KNOWING I did not want to be abused any longer - there was no decision, I ended the relationship.

What I am saying is that I have learned from here and myself that I need to listen to ME.  I have always used my voice to defend me from the outside world but if I hear myself my need to defend becomes less because something happens.  I had an experience like this recently and I think it was through stillness and meditation that this came to me.  I have always drank, not excessively normally but on occasion....... anyway there is a lot of alcohol in my culture.  I woke one morning in November and the world "I don't want to drink anymore" came out of my mouth.  Now I did get a bit of a start because I had no awareness about my desire to not drink.  Anyway, since that day I have not tasted a sip of wine.  It was interesting over Christmas because I thought it might be difficult but not at all. I don't want to drink.  I think my inner voice spoke these words to me...........they did not come from my head and it has been so weird and so easy and so strange.  I really cannot explain it but I think it has something to do with me being still enough to hear what it is I want and need.

CB

With regard to change.  I was sitting with some people recently and they were discussing a tv programme - very pleasant and it struck me that two of the people took over the conversation, just ranted on, some others tried to join in but it really was not possible without telling the other two to shut up.  What they were saying was interesting, I felt no need to add anything but I observed some others wanted to get in and felt pushed back.  Well, for me this was interesting.  There was a time when I would have been one of the talkers, words, words, words, and now I find myself much more of an observer.  It does feel like a different place for me.  The paradox seems to be that now that I have found my voice I don't need to use it so much.

Much love,

axa

[Hopalong]

Hi CB,

I think I understand.

I think sometimes "I'm using my voice!" can be a misuse: a pass to be abusive, to be unkind, to be unaccountable, etc.

I think it's easy for the children of abusers to become bullies, and hard for them to see it, when they're "using their voice" in a context like this one.

A verbal anything could be excused as something "voiced". That could include verbal slaps, punches, namecalling, etc.

love,
Hops

[Ami]

What I am saying is that I have learned from here and myself that I need to listen to ME
[/quote]
 


Dear Axa,
   You defined the role of our voice. Many of us have been cut off from our voices. Hence, we were sick, emotionally and physically.Finding our voice IS finding our core(IMO).           Ami

[Certain Hope]

Dear Axa,

Your post means alot to me and I just want you to know that I'm sitting on it to see what may hatch
I have been struggling alot with feeling taken advantage of and unappreciated. It's not an abusive situation so much as a mis-use, but I think the same principles apply... so....
Thank you!


With love,
Carolyn

[Leah]

I agree with Hops posting

Verbal abuse is what it says on the label.

Speaking personally, as an abused person in my life, I did not abuse others, and, I know of many many other abused people in the DV arena, who have maintained basic politeness etc., in societal settings, regardless of having been bullied or abused themselves.

So it ain't just me, Leah.

The book 'Nasty People' isn't all about N's --- it includes all about people, who verbal abuse, because that is what they choose to do.

That's life in the real lane.

Leah

PS >  What I appreciate and what I get thrown at me are inevitably two different things all together, and that's the truth in life.

But, however, does not mean I have to choose to replicate.  Instead, prefer to try my best to be true to myself, and be accountable and responsible, and apologize when goofing up, as a mature healthy adult.  That's my goal in life, and I am sticking to it.