Learning more about my M and how I came to be wounded

[Leah]

Dear Bella,

As the eldest, I was always told just that, my siblings were my responsibility, as I was the eldest (or just 'first born' as per father).  Sadly, my sister was a clone of my mother, which truly saddens me, even though she has wronged me, as I loved her.  So, in that sense, I am truly grateful to be the eldest as 'Maude the Mule' as the alternative is not one I would relish.

Oh, my goodness, the meals; my brother would get steak and I would get fish fingers!!  (mind you I prefer fish, maybe, that's why!).  My brother could not even cook an egg, and never made a cup of tea, that was 'Maude's' job, and he had to have his favorite biscuits, which was in 'his biscuits tin' separate to the family biscuit tin.  Honestly.  The reality is, that to me then at that time, I simply thought that this was the norm.

Staying up to watch television was allowed for my brother, as sport programmes were vital for his life, whereas, I was packed off to bed, mind you, I was always tired and happy to go anyway, simply because the peace was a respite and haven.

Sounds like life in previous centuries, odd thing is, still ongoing today in many families, I feel sure.

Love, Leah

[Leah]

Thank you Hops

Deep down, I will always be good old 'Maude' but without the doormat!   

I feel sorry for Mules and Donkeys, they get so abused by humankind.

There used to be a small Donkey sanctuary which apparently has closed due to lack of funds 

Love, Leah

[Bella_French]

Oh Leah!!! I relate so well!!

This was my list of jobs for most of childhood, 7 and up:

Do about an hours worth of chores (feeding pets and cleaning up etc). Boys did no chores.

Make breakfast for my brothers, and then ask them what they wanted for school lunch, and make that too!!!

I was always served last at dinner time!! 

My brothers were given `allowances' and allowed to live at home and this continued into their thirties!! Girl children (except youngest sister clone) had to work if they wanted money (not necessarily a bad thing, but the favouritism!!), and were asked to elave home at 17 years of age.

I suppose I should feel lucky I wasn't born in China though. I might not have been given the gift of life at all!!!

It amazes me too, that the western world is so backward in some families.

X bella

[Hopalong]

Leah, Bella,

I am shocked and saddened by this...you were not only second-class because of your gender but practically house slaves.

Hops

[Bella_French]

Dear sweet Hops; thanks for those words.

I consider it all in the past, stuff like that, but I'm examining  its impact probably more now than ever before.

One revelation that hit me hard, was realizing that I have probably internalized a kind of reverence for male-like traits over feminine ones.  Maybe I am kind of sexist in my own way,  because I was always a tom boy, and I have SO much trouble accepting my body along with its curves, fat, and other `evidence' of femininity. In our family the word `fat' refers to any body shape that is not male-like so of course the standards are terrible, and its really hard to be a bigger woman (which I tend to be on and off). I've been fighting the shame for years, and it is hard to shift. Sometimes I think I've nailed it, but then sometimes my poor partner has to listen to my drivilling self-abuse over my `ugliness'. It freaks me out a bit, the way i sink right back into that place of shame.

I'm also left wondering if its affected my choices surrounding children? I mean if I was taught that women are so worthless, then surely our biological functions would fall into that category?. I am still considering this as another possible impact.

X Bella



 

[Bella_French]

Dear Leah, Oh thats so awful of your father. My mother divorced my father when I was 4 (& remarried a greek man with two daughters). So i don't know what he thought!!! Maybe he would have preferred a son first? My second father (I am so lucky to have 2), is ver positive minded. He would never criticize or ever hurt anyone.

I've been getting to know my birth father much better in recent years, and he's a good influence in my life. He and his wife are `my other family'. If  want to know how families should make you feel, all I have to do is spend time with them. I look forward to it SO much, and we exchange emails every week.

Whats your father like Leah?? Would you consider him to be an N, or just tactless?

X bella

[Leah]

Dear Leah, Oh thats so awful of your father. My mother divorced my father when I was 4 (& remarried a greek man with two daughters). So i don't know what he thought!!! Maybe he would have preferred a son first? My second father (I am so lucky to have 2), is ver positive minded. He would never criticize or ever hurt anyone.

I've been getting to know my birth father much better in recent years, and he's a good influence in my life. He and his wife are `my other family'. If  want to know how families should make you feel, all I have to do is spend time with them. I look forward to it SO much, and we exchange emails every week.

Whats your father like Leah?? Would you consider him to be an N, or just tactless?

X bella

Dear Bella,

Oh, that is truly wonderful for you, that you have the 'other family.'  That's so precious for you, and I am truly glad to know. 

He still ticks lots of NFlags.  His number one priority in life is, himself.  Always has been, and is increasingly so, to the point of extremism.  Serenity has helped me to accept that he will never change.  Presently, limited contact by telephone, with firm boundries.

My father detests the word 'no' always has done, and always will.  The ownership of that issue belongs to him. 

He has always been negative.  And my being a positive person rubs him up the wrong way, and usually, he kicks off, on the telephone. 

Example:

Father > "It is very cold outside today"   

Me >> "Have you been out today, do you really need to go out today?"

Father > "No I am staying indoors today"

Me >> "You have a wonderful heating system and your home is lovely and warm, as you look outside, you can enjoy the glow of the warmth"

Father > "You always have something good to say"         "Goodbye, I am going now"


Just one of the many many reasons that Limited Contact is best, for me!

Love, Leah

[Bella_French]

Holy cow. Whats with these people? Why does every conversation have to be a downer, a vent session, and a guilt trip? I agree that its negative, and it drags a person down, to engage with that. I wonder if the negativity is part of the way they try to make others feel guilty??? And if you refuse to engage with that, you are somehow evading their agenda? It makes you wonder!

My mother is the N in our family, but second generation (her mother was `extreme'). I'm not sure about my mother; I think a lot of her behavior is unconscious, but she doesn't want to be called on it so theres no real distinction, in reality. I still need my boundaries, and she still acts like a somatic N. I just don't think she knows why. I even think she holds out hope that she CAN change, and I don't have the heart to dash her hopes. Maybe she can. Its not for me to say. Overall, I get the sense she operates from the position of her mother's voice,, not her own, if that makes sense. That gives me an odd sort of compassion for her.

So is you mother `more' N'ish than your father, leah? Do you consider her somatic or cerebral? Is her mother worse?

X bella

[Leah]

Holy cow. Whats with these people? Why does every conversation have to be a downer, a vent session, and a guilt trip? I agree that its negative, and it drags a person down, to engage with that. I wonder if the negativity is part of the way they try to make others feel guilty??? And if you refuse to engage with that, you are somehow evading their agenda? It makes you wonder!

Dear Bella,

Exactly!  Thank you for the precious validation.  As my NFather's role in life is to make other's feel guilty, full stop.  Especially, if they do not take on board his quest for life, i.e. misery.  Every time.  He will end the conversation with a "goodbye, I am going now"

Oh, I forgot to mention, he would quickly follow with a "YOU can ring me tomorrow"  which is against my set boundary, and he knows that. 

He must be rattled afterward when I remind him respectfully with grace, that I won't be ringing him tomorrow.  The ownership of reaction to my reaffirming my boundary, belongs to him, not I.  For he alone is the reason for having to have such a set boundary in the first place.

Never, not once, and I have sat here long and hard and reflected; has he said anything joyful.  If I express myself in my usual fairly positively joyful way, he will ask me what I have got to be so joyful about?  Sometimes followed by a disgusting;  "you must have a man there!"

Truth is that the very reason that I am so joyful is exactly the opposite, no man, no NHusband !!   

I have begun to realize that he has to enmesh, he has to intrude, to survive.

Amazing to realize this.  Thank you so much for this discussion as it has been, it is, extremely helpful and enlightening, most beneficial indeed.


Thankfully, we can choose our friends in life!  FOO are thrust upon us without a choice! 

Thanks so very much for this, and I do sincerely hope that your day goes well in all you do.

Love, Leah

[Bella_French]

Leah, I'm so impressed with the way you're setting boundaries with your father. Your tone, choice of words, and your courage are an inspiration to me.

Do you still get `nerves' when you know your (appropriate) reaction puts you in his `bad books'?? Do they pass? I still struggle with that, with my mother. I feel on edge, like something bad is going to happen. I find it hard to `sit' with this feeling.

X bella

[Ami]

((((((((Leah, Bella))))))))))
Bella,
 The "shame " thing about ourselves is so horrible. I don't know WHAT,exactly, I have shame about. I am afraid that it is everything(lol). I think that it is following me like Pig Pen's(Charlie Brown) cloud.
 I am just facing it now, with the help of a friend sent from Heaven, I think.
  I have the courage to face the shame that has been "driving "me for my whole life. I was not fighting people,but this shame.
   It is so painful.
   Just to look at it is a first step. To admit it is another step.
  I am trying to see the role that it plays ,in my life.
  I know that it is causing my stomach problems b/c I am trying to "'identify" the thought I have right before my stomach hurts. It is usually some form of "exposure" of s/thing that I do wrong(or some way that I AM wrong--bleh)
 Then ,I will get an immediate stomach ache. Thinking of my friend visiting will give me a stomach ache b/c I feel "exposed"( my house AND myself)
  When I, objectively, think about my house,it is fine. It is clean and basically OK. It is my shame about  that is the problem. It is the fear of ridicule that I am trying to push away ,all the time. I am fighting with my own shame ---nothing else.
                                           Ami

[Leah]

Leah, I'm so impressed with the way you're setting boundaries with your father. Your tone, choice of words, and your courage are an inspiration to me.

Do you still get `nerves' when you know your (appropriate) reaction puts you in his `bad books'?? Do they pass? I still struggle with that, with my mother. I feel on edge, like something bad is going to happen. I find it hard to `sit' with this feeling.

X bella

Dear Bella,

Amazingly, no I don't, not anymore.  Being firm, assertive, can be done with grace, diplomacy and respect.  However, it certainly did take a lot of courage.  With wobbly knees!!      Christmas, my boundary was retained, with ease and peace.  Which was precious and confidence building.

The feeling of dread regarding thoughts of being in his 'bad book' does fade, truly, it does, with time and practice.  I am amazed at where I stand now should I look back.


Now, the situation would be entirely different, still, I believe, if I were to be talking about boundaries with my mother.  All my life I have had a real deep fear of my mother, for valid reasons, with my stomach churning, and legs and arms shaking.  My mother always had me on edge and I would sense that she was working on something sometimes, and other times, not.  However, No Contact with my mother, after fleeing from her house.  So, she cannot harm me now.   I am free of harm; free and staying free. 

The decision to go No Contact with my mother was the right decision, as I could not take anymore.  NC has completely changed my life.

Well, Bella, do hope you have a great weekend, along with your lovely partner.

Love, Leah

[Bella_French]

Dear Leah!! I've read a lot of your posts this morning (its Sunday morning here) and you are so uplifting! I just love the wisdom in your posts, and I love your attitude and writing style too! Just wanted to let you know that its a nice start to the day, and thankyou!

Yep, my mother is the one who causes my stomach to churn too. My whole childhood was spent being punshed or wounded by her, and then apologising to her over and over, trying to make my fear go away.

I decided around 6 months ago that I wanted to cut contact down to once every couple of months or so. I got it down to about once a month (she called, not me), but she is upset. She's had three family members call me to tell me to call her more, and now `the story' is I `don't talk to her'. Our conversations now are part guilt-trip, part `reeling-in' type of behaviour via charm and support. She can be VERY generous and kind during the reeling -in phase, and its hard not to fall for it.

She didn't send a christmas or B'day present this year (first time ever, to show her displeasure), and then had second thoughts, I guess, and sent a card and gift a week later. I know i should call and thank her, but I haven't. I talked to her Christmas day, and its too soon to talk again, for me.

Thanks for listening Leah!!! My partner and I are very tired, a bit unhealthy at the moment,  and a bit grumpy too, and need a holiday! We are going away next Wed for a week of hiking, and hopefully it will be good for us. We need a `reset' if that makes sense.

Love to you leah!

x bella