Learning more about my M and how I came to be wounded

[Gaining Strength]

I am going to try to be consistent with it.  I read about someone who practiced EFT every day for 6 months to get over something.  It may take me that long because my stuckedness is not from an event but from a lifetime of repeated N activity.  It is definitely difficult to get at the issue when there is a long period of repetition.

I woke up with a severe bronchial infection - very difficult to breath.  Tried EFT on it and came up with some of the same old stuff but clearly unresolved.  One of the big ones is that dastardly sense of "inadequacy".

[Gaining Strength]

Ami that makes a lot of sense.  I have a feeling that I am holding onto this "inadequacy" so that someone (that would still be mother and/or father) will nurture me (rescue me).  I'll definitely try the "reversal".  Thanks for the suggestion.

[Gaining Strength]

Last night was a very, very difficult night.  My asthma and bronchial infection continued to worsen.  At one point I was afraid that I would have to go to the E Room.  I kept "tapping" and using visualizations of healing and whole lungs.  All to no avail.  My breathing worsened.  I finally tried some old inhalers and after a while found relief.  As I lay in bed waiting for my breathing to improve and the wheezing to abate I calmed my mind and tried some mediatation. 

Throughout the night and then in the morning I found myself flat up against the wall of "inadequecy".  Does this underlie my anxiety or does the anxiety exacerbate the sense of inadequecy?  They seem to work hand in hand to spiral out of control and together impair my already low functioning executive function. 

I have dealt with this powerfully debilitating sense of "inadequecy" for some time.  It does not stand alone.  It exists with a whole group of related despairing attributes like condemnation, rejection that are the results of having two N parents and subsequent N or Nish relationships with spouces and "friends". 

There is so much about this that is similar to the "shame" I worked through last year and yet there is a subtle difference.  I find that these issues come back to me over and over to be pared away - each time bringing me closer to a healing. 

Because I am a great believer in the Prayer attributed to St. Francis I am chosing as part of a therapeutic solution to hold each of my parents image in love.  This by no means suggests that I hope to have a loving and meaningful relationship with them.  But it does mean that by holding their images in a spirit of love that I expect to "unhook" me from the dark emotional ties to them.  I firmly believe that the way to do this is through love and forgiveness.

As I lay in the bed this morning trying desparately to get myself out of the bed to feed and dress my son and get him to school I found myself racked with fear perpetrated by an overwhelming sense of unworthiness, of being judged and criticized and alone without the necessary resources to do what is expected and needed of me. 

I need help.  I need conversation with anyone here who has found a way to address these issues of severe damage from the N parent and to find a way to heal these wounds and move into a productive and functional life.  Exacerbating this whole thing for me is the severely impaired executive function for me.  This impairment has two possible sources - ADHD (neurotransmitter problems) and at age 6 I fell over the banister and landed face first - possibly damaging my frontal lobe.

I get caught in a bind here.  If I had money there are several things that I would do - remove the mercury fillings in my teeth, have a  PET scan or fMRI to identify the areas of function and disfunction in my brain and whatever else I could do to address these issues.  Of course money is THE significant destabilizing issue for me.  It is THE tool that my N father has used to control me.  he actually told my oldest brother that a few months ago.  And my mother, who has several million dollars is too afraid of running out to be willing to help me in a meaningful way.  She offers periodically to pay for this or that but she does not offer me money to get the things fixed and taken care of so that the extraordinary pressure is taken off of me.  And until I get some relief from the sever disabling executive function problem I am not able to provide an income for my son and myself.  These financial issues are just another double bind that my life with N parents is racked with.

[towrite]

Dearest GS - I felt like you were describing my life. The destabilizing money issue, the absent or weak executive function (by that, I take it to mean your "adult" or "protective mechanism, which is how I think of it - that part of myself which makes decisions good for me, that I can rely on to come thru for me, for example, in a job interview) which I have had all my life.

I learned that my weak adult was a result of being so controlled by my N parents; the inadequacy you described I learned came from forbidden memories of always being told I was "not enough" or "not as good as...", in addition to explicit statements that I was "stupid, dumb, or other epithets to a child's self-esteem. I was never allowed to make decisions for myself growing up. There were the rules I had to follow, conform to, even if many of them were unknown or hidden, and those were the ones I found only by violating them. I could never go my own way, and, with my NM's current threats to write me out of her will if I embarrass her in any way, still feel constricted by her. She, like your NM, is sitting on millions and will not give me a dime. If I go broke and have to go live with a friend, it will be an embarrassment for her, and the wall will fall.

The fatigue is an ever-present sign of giving more than you can afford to give. A therapist once told me, "You cannot go to the aid of another unless your own personal gas tank is full." Sounds like you've been running on fumes for a while.

You are in my thoughts.

[Ami]

Dear GS,
  I am so sorry. I feel heartbroken over what you have shared. It is a long climb up from N abuse. I wish I had an easy answer .If I did,I would be well by now(lol).
 I am so sorry. I do not want to offer empty platitudes so I will  just say that I love you and I care.           Love   Ami


((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))))))))

[Ami]

I am sorry, towrite. I am very sorry , dear friend.                     Love  , Ami


((((((((((((towrite))))))))))))0

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))

It's like an onion... each layer gets peeled away. You have been peeling steadily. But I think between each layer there is a bit of tearing and stinging.

You know yourself that you are growing so much GS. As for your mother's demands, keep doing what you are doing - setting boundaries. Can you set stricter rules and enforce them? I have no doubt you are tired of having to do this.

Take care of yourself, GS, and rest... Try to let the incessant noise wash over you - like a white noise that gives peace and relaxation... can you somehow set it as a background chatter?????

Love, Beth

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks Beth - I think you are right.  It definitely helps to see this period as part of the healing process.  Keeping that in mind helps me withstand the difficult and painful portion.

[Gaining Strength]

I keep tapping on this asthma and bronchial infection.  It's not helping my physical ailment but I am getting a handle on my emotional blocks.  I have a huge expectation of critical judgement as a result of being raised by N parents.  I expect critcism, I expect rejection, I expect failure.  That is what I knew for so long and sadly that is what I internalized.    I am going to continue to face this and to reprogram my misfunctioning, ingrained, thought patterns.

[Bella_French]

Ami - something you said helps me get a handle on where I am today.  I am not hurting but I am tired  I am so very, very tired.

Hops I am always thankful for you comments.  I feel heard by you and understood.  I will keep your experience in mind until I find the right expression of that.  I don't so much need anything from her except that I find a way to not get sucked in by her neediness.  I have a fatherless son who does need me and who should need me and should expect that I meet his needs.  Part of my struggle with my mother is that not only does she demand from me but she simply refuses to acknowledge that I need support and help in providing for my young son.  Instead of acknowledging that my obligation and responsibility is for my son she in a N way is self-centeredly asking for 100% of my attention. But only when she isn't otherwise occupied.

Overcomer - The one thing that I continue to hope for you is that you get to a place where you give up hoping or expecting for your mother to get it.  Even if she does read the book she won't get it.  It's not possible for a person in a state of Nism to get it.  It is impossible for them to care or have empathy for anyone else - even (and maybe especially) their own flesh and blood.

As long as we hope for that insight to dawn in them we remained hooked, our lives dependent on their getting it.  Only when we let go of them can we really claim our lives.  To me, this is the most extremely difficult task of someone growing up with one or two N parents.

CH - you've nailed it.  It is functioning under the unexpressed expectations that has killed me.  When I am able to identify and call by name these expectations then I am able to unharness myself from them.  The phone conversation from my brother actually brought to light this expectation that somehow had remained unidentified by me.  The Ns expectations are malicious and self-centered and they shift.  But if we are engaged with an N we are functioning in response to them.  The description of this mechanism is the best part of Nina Brown's (otherwise unoriginal) book Children of the Self Absorbed.

Dear Beth,

You're really `speaking to me' with this topic, and I can totally identify with your struggle with your mother's unstated expectations of you, as well as the fear of punishment for `failing' to meet them.

Wouldn't you just love to have a  family meeting, where your mother came clean about her widely varying expectations of everyone? In my family, the conversation would go something like this:

 `ok, boys, by token of your gender, I regard you as superior to your sisters, so I will love you no matter what you do. It would be pretty good if you said I was pretty as often as possible, treated your girlfriends casually, and did my bidding to get your troublesome sisters into line sometimes. But apart from those little terms, you can carry on as you were.'

`Now, girls, you fall into one of three categories: you are grossly inferior to myself, and deserving of ongoing verbal flaggilation and slavery, you are my clone, or  you are my competition, ok? If you are my inferior, which is any female  who is not perfection personified, as I define it, you are to creep around as my inferior, and preferably act as my hand-maiden. You are to take my criticisms good naturedly, and do my bidding according my shifting emotional needs. At the end of the day, you are an emotional prop- someone who constantly reminds me of my superiority, constantly praises me for existing, and who always regurgitates my actions back to me in a favourable light. Do not presume yourself to be worthy of better treatment, or you're out of the will, ok?

If you happen to outshine me, by token of intelligence, beauty, success, then you may choose, also, to be my hand-maiden which would further my sense of superiority. However, if you fail in this, then understand that you are my competition and will be treated as such. Its basically war. If war doesn't get you into line, then I will cease all contact with you.'

Now to those of you who are my clone, I will dictate your every thought and  action, or you may act alone so long as they are actions that i would take myself. Failure to comply will result in further attempts to clone you, or eventual abandonment for failing. You were my best hope! I have the highest of expectations of you!


SO how would the conversation go in your family, Beth, if it were all revealed openly?

[Leah]

`Now, girls, you fall into one of three categories: you are grossly inferior to myself, and deserving of ongoing verbal flaggilation and slavery, you are my clone, or  you are my competition, ok? If you are my inferior, which is any female  who is not perfection personified, as I define it, you are to creep around as my inferior, and preferably act as my hand-maiden. You are to take my criticisms good naturedly, and do my bidding according my shifting emotional needs. At the end of the day, you are an emotional prop- someone who constantly reminds me of my superiority, constantly praises me for existing, and who always regurgitates my actions back to me in a favourable light. Do not presume yourself to be worthy of better treatment, or you're out of the will, ok?

If you happen to outshine me, by token of intelligence, beauty, success, then you may choose, also, to be my hand-maiden which would further my sense of superiority. However, if you fail in this, then understand that you are my competition and will be treated as such. Its basically war. If war doesn't get you into line, then I will cease all contact with you.'

Now to those of you who are my clone, I will dictate your every thought and  action, or you may act alone so long as they are actions that i would take myself. Failure to comply will result in further attempts to clone you, or eventual abandonment for failing. You were my best hope! I have the highest of expectations of you!

Oh my goodness, Bella

You have perfectly described my mother! 

and ....

`ok, boys, by token of your gender, I regard you as superior to your sisters, so I will love you no matter what you do. It would be pretty good if you said I was pretty as often as possible, treated your girlfriends casually, and did my bidding to get your troublesome sisters into line sometimes. But apart from those little terms, you can carry on as you were.'

that's my brother!  My brother did have to do one turn in the house, not one thing, I had to be his slave also, he was younger, yet superior, and the priviledges he had.


The validation is priceless, though the impact leaves me a little stunned and lost for words.  Thank you.

Love, Leah

[Bella_French]

Dear Leah,

Isn't the worst part of all, as a child especially, the fact that the expectations are never stated? If they were expressed honestly and openly, everyone would see them to be sexist, abusive, selfish, and grossly unrealistic- a total denial of humanity and freedom based on gender. Family members would roll their eyes and cry a resounding `no' to these insane terms (you would hope!)

...Which is probably why `the expectations'  are expressed not in words, that people could challenge, but in the form of `moods' , `punishments' , `abandonment' `criticism' `with-holding praise' `sibling favoritism' and other ambient abuse. That how they are expressed in our family, anyhow.

Sorry if my post was a bit `hard hitting' though. Its a very triggering topic isn't it?

X bella

[Leah]

Dear Bella,

Oh, my wrong choice of word, impact ~ should have used validating really, for it was the 'wow factor' of someone else speaking of my family experience so accurately, because, that does not happen in real life situation.

...Which is probably why `the expectations'  are expressed not in words, that people could challenge, but in the form of `moods' , `punishments' , `abandonment' `criticism' `with-holding praise' `sibling favoritism' and other ambient abuse. That how they are expressed in our family, anyhow.

Yes, that is my family.  And also, added to which, my NM she also had the clever skill of giving out subjective subliminal statements and comments, double meanings, of which I detest, as really, in essence it smacks of deception, well to me it does.

Really, never knew whether I was coming or going, or had been!!!  Mind boggling! 


.......... when I passed my exams it when unnoticed, as the eldest, my exams came first of course, then my brother, he passed his exams, and there was a special meal, with a cake, card and gift.  Of course, as I was destined for a life of 'Maude the Mule' evidently, my efforts were discounted.  But, 'Maude' broke free and escaped!!!  Which must have been a big shock, for them.


Nothing was expressed honestly and openly with my family, the meaning is meaningless to them, or alien!

Thanks again for sharing of your family experience, very much valued.

Love, Leah

[Bella_French]

You're the eldest too, Leah? Same with me!. My two brothers are younger too.

 I think I was supposed to be something I don't yet understand, lol. All I know is that I failed; I think maybe i was supposed to be the clone?  I am glad I am not!

That story of how your mother celebrated your brother's exams, but not yours, was so typical in our house. My mother would even make `special meals' for her sons at night, and feed the girls left-overs or `quick food'. They were not disciplined and would stay up all night if they wished, but girls were heavily disciplined and always put to bed at 6pm!

I know that sounds  kinda trivial, but it used to make me feel so angry.

X bella

 

[Hopalong]

Leah,

I love mules.

They're smart, resilient, strong, and have an excellent kick.
They win the hearts of those who appreciate them.

love,
Hops