Learning more about my M and how I came to be wounded

[Gaining Strength]

I spoke with my brother today.  He told me that my mother had called him and cried (perhaps figuratively but I don't know) because I refused to take her calls and would not see her.  I was shocked to here this - truly shocked.  My son and I visited her on Wednesday.  He returned to school on Thursday and we had full schedules Friday evening and Saturday with plans to have lunch with her on Sunday.    She will call 5, 6, 7 sometimes up to 9 times in very short period.  I have asked her for years to leave messages and asked that she not call repeatedly - to no avail.  Even today she was to call when she was out of church and we were to meet for lunch.  She called at 10 after 12 and asked me to pick her up.  My son and I were at the park playing with the dogs.  Before we could walk home and get in the car she had called twice again.  15 minutes after the 1st call and again 10 minutes later.  I simply refused to answer her calls.

My brother put it in a way that cut through the darkness for me.  He said that she has a never ending need for attention. 

A few weeks ago he helped me understand that she also has little respect for me because I am a daughter.  That I fully get and am only surprised that I had not picked up on that on my own.

She expects me to be available to fill her every need.  She, as all Ns, has absolutely no concern for my needs nor my child's needs. 

I have figured this all out concerning my father several years ago and so my expectations with him are ZERO.  But my mother appears to be half normal and so it has taken me a very long time to begin to come to terms with the fact that she is nothing short of an N. 

I have had nothing but N's in my life.  I have felt obligated to them and always felt that such obligation was noble in some way and would be repaid with the greatest gift.  This fallacy has been my complete and utter downfall.  And now that this looking glass has been shattered I must find a completely different vision of who I am and who I am to become.

I will say again what I have said here many times before: To have only been in relationship with Ns is to have never been alive;  it is to have been a slave and then released without any knowledge nor resources for providing food nor shelter; it is a living hell where moving forward is only possible because there is simply no other direction except to refuse to move at all.

I have a voice but my voice feels so worthless and it seems to sound only in the wilderness even here where I had hoped to find a sounding board for my voice.

I won't give up - though there are times when it seems it would be so much easier.  I won't give up but I am struck by how difficult, by how much energy it actually takes to move out of the state I am in into a state where life is fulfilling and rewarding. 

For so long I thought that when I got to the place that I am now - having made significant progress in understanding who I am and how I came to be who I am and having some control over my rage and other emotions - that life would begin to flow, that things would begin to get easier that there would be order and work and friends and some without extraordinary work and determination but it simply is not so. 

I refuse to give up but I had so hoped that there would be some ease in life that some part of it would come without constant, persistent,  relentless pursuit.

[Gaining Strength]

Teartracks - thanks for that article.  I have never come across that perspective before and it felt great - very healing to read that professionals recognize the very powerful effects of living with an N.  Thank you. - GS

[Gaining Strength]

Besee - thanks for your reply.  That wonderful energy wand sound perfect.  That is exactly what I need - an energy transformation.

Strangely enough I am much stronger than at any time in my life - without question.  I am definitely still working hard on the first 2 Agreements.  (Agreement 2 is perhaps the most transforming for my life.)  I have really fallen off the EFT wagon.  My biggest struggle with EFT is the suggestion that the more specific you can be with the emotional injury the more successful the tapping.  But my wounds were not individual events, my wounds were the ocean resulting from the individual drops of criticism, rejection, projection, shaming, withholding, neglect, blah, blah blah.  So I don't seem to be able to get to THE issue under the particular problem.  How are you able to   get to THE emotional issue behind a problem?

I'm in a better place than I sound but I am at a plateau.  I am tired from the endless work, the endless struggle to get to ground zero.  Without question I am on solid ground emotionally but the rest of my life is not falling into place.  My purposeful work these days is to transform my inner image into one that reflects where I want to be.  I have held this image of rejection and failure for most of my life and it is that image and that energy that I must transform.  I am trying to reshape that inner image I carry of myself, to transform that inner sense of not deserving what I want, of being simply "undeserving'.  I am sort of disappointed at how much energy it takes to make that transformation because life is very draining for me right now and it feels much like the double bind that i grew up in in the House of N.  I need energy to get to where I want to be but life is so draining that i don't have enough energy to just keep up much less move ahead.

Plus there are times that I find that it is helpful to "dump" here, i.e. let out the dark side and the frustrations.  I have no where else to do that and here I can let them out and sometimes receive just the support and encouragement I need to move forward.

[Overcomer]

GS-I understand this not knowing what THE issue is when you live with constant scrutiny and never measure up.  I was thinking about myself as a young woman and how I was promiscuous-why?  Then I realized that I was looking for love.  But it worked against me because I just felt like a whore and that does not do much for your self esteem.  I am looking forward to the new book by Dr McBride-Will I ever be good enough?  She actually interviewed me for the book.  I think I will have my mom read it.

[Overcomer]

I wonder if she will see herself in it?  But I totally understand you GS-You and I had the same type of upbringing so I feel we can walk hand in hand through the mine fields.  How old are you again and when was your N ah ha moment?  It would be good to see how many years you are into your recovery.  I feel with every year I get stronger and more determined to note forward.

[Hopalong]

GS,
I so feel for you. You have described my years with my mother (the insatiable calls, demands for attention that never "feeds" or assuages her because one bit of attention leads to a bottomless list of demands for more). To a T.

I'll tell you when it changed. One night, when she was calling/calling/calling...I tried a different tack, which was to approach her from her OWN reality (that she doesn't get enough attention).

I went and sat with her and said, with sympathy:

You know, you are right. You deserve so much more time and attention than I am able to give you. I know it's not enough, and you really deserve much more. But I've come to realize that I just can't do it. I simply can't give you all the attention you deserve. And I'm sorry. But it's the truth. I love you, and I'm going upstairs now.

She was briefly silenced. I had to repeat it a few times, but over months, something sank in, because for the first time in my life, she behaved as though she expected somewhat less.

Hope that might help you, GS.

It was a startling change. I just "entered her world" and addressed her needs from inside that view.

love,
Hops

[Ami]

Dear Hops,
  That was  a powerful post. I am opening up to the power of love,in my own life. I had a similar experience with my S(on a much smaller level)
 He likes to talk to me about ALL  the details of his job and life. It is good, but s/times it gets really 'long" . I told hiim that all the details were  important to me ,but right now, I was not in a good space to listen. When I emphasized HOW important it was, he relaxed and said,"OK, Mom, I will come back ,later."
 I affirmed and loved him and that was the healer. It is a small lesson, but a similar one.
 I am just starting to learn the power of love to change people's lives and my own.        Ami

[Ami]

Dear GS,
 I see s/thing beyond the "ideas" in your thread. I hear your voice in the strongest way I have ever heard it before. You are defining  the issue in a very clear and direct way. You are seeing how and why you are the way you are. I think that you have more strength than you ever had.
 I think that you have passed some point of being a 'victim" and are now on the road ,out.
 I hear a new tone in our voice--strength and clarity. Do you agree, GS? You may be hurting( and probably are),but it seems like the strength is new and it will propel you forward.
 Maybe,my viewpoint is wrong,but that is how I read the unspoken parts of your thread. Let me know what you think, GS.    Love   Ami

(((((((((((((GS)))))))))))

[Certain Hope]

Dear Gaining Strength,

It's all those expectations which kill me, one emotional cell at a time.

Examining and adjusting my own expectations (of myself and others) and then clarifying others' expectations of me is my own business at hand. Have you ever tried to get a straight answer from a loved one as to what she/he expects of you?
With the N'ish, it's nearly impossible, I've found... and I think that's because they don't want the shoe to be on the other foot, which would translate to your being allowed to have expectations of some reciprocity from them.
I know how endlessly difficult this feels, GS... but I also think you sound very determined and strong, and I hope you continue to feel able to purge some of that dark side here on the board. It really does help.

Love to you,
Carolyn

[Ami]

Dear GS,
  I want to echo what Carolyn has said. The board helps us to find our voice. I have made many errors along the way. They are there for all to see(in the archives----lol) ,but, I am failing my way to success, you could say.
  When our voice has been squelcehed ,since we were young,it is not the "prettiest" thing in the world to try to get it back. It does not go from "dead" and squelched to beautiful and shining in a linear ascent. No, it is embarrassing along the way---bleh.
  I was always afraid of making mistakes,but I am getting "cured' of that one too, the more mistakes that I make(lol)
 GS, Keep defining who you are and what you feel, by writing on the board.. As you find your voice(core), you will heal(IMO).    Love   Ami

[Gaining Strength]

Ami - something you said helps me get a handle on where I am today.  I am not hurting but I am tired  I am so very, very tired.

Hops I am always thankful for you comments.  I feel heard by you and understood.  I will keep your experience in mind until I find the right expression of that.  I don't so much need anything from her except that I find a way to not get sucked in by her neediness.  I have a fatherless son who does need me and who should need me and should expect that I meet his needs.  Part of my struggle with my mother is that not only does she demand from me but she simply refuses to acknowledge that I need support and help in providing for my young son.  Instead of acknowledging that my obligation and responsibility is for my son she in a N way is self-centeredly asking for 100% of my attention. But only when she isn't otherwise occupied.

Overcomer - The one thing that I continue to hope for you is that you get to a place where you give up hoping or expecting for your mother to get it.  Even if she does read the book she won't get it.  It's not possible for a person in a state of Nism to get it.  It is impossible for them to care or have empathy for anyone else - even (and maybe especially) their own flesh and blood.

As long as we hope for that insight to dawn in them we remained hooked, our lives dependent on their getting it.  Only when we let go of them can we really claim our lives.  To me, this is the most extremely difficult task of someone growing up with one or two N parents.

CH - you've nailed it.  It is functioning under the unexpressed expectations that has killed me.  When I am able to identify and call by name these expectations then I am able to unharness myself from them.  The phone conversation from my brother actually brought to light this expectation that somehow had remained unidentified by me.  The Ns expectations are malicious and self-centered and they shift.  But if we are engaged with an N we are functioning in response to them.  The description of this mechanism is the best part of Nina Brown's (otherwise unoriginal) book Children of the Self Absorbed.

[Hopalong]

Thanks, GS.
When I had that lightbulb moment it was when I realized how irrational an N's needs are.

It was during a period when I'd been spending MORE time with her. (Sitting with her for a meal, taking her on errands, and checking in by phone...all in one day.) I was trying to "fill" her needs. She got more and more fretful and wound up literally saying, but I get so little time with you.

It hit me all at once. I was almost "stirring a pot" by being so attentive. It only fed her craving.

So that was my first experience in setting a clear firm boundary by saying firmly, sympathetically, No, it's terrible I agree, but I just can't do it. It wasn't rational to agree with her, but I realized that I needed to irrationally agree with her inner vision.

(You can't "disagree" with how someone feels. And that's how she felt. Starving.)

I know it's complicated when you need her help, but if it's any encouragement, my mother never comingled her battles with me with neglect of my child. She loves my daughter and was always eager to help her.

Hoping some of this helps,
Hops

[Ami]

My M is wonderful  to my children, as well.                                  Ami                             

[Gaining Strength]

Besee - I have gone back to EFT today thanks to you.

[Ami]

I have s/thing really interesting to tell you about EFT. You can be reversed. If so, you have to say the affirmation in a different way. If EFT does not seem to work, you could be reversed. That happened to me until s/one helped me.
   For example, the person was trying to help with stomach aches. The usual affirmation  is "Even though I have a stomach ache, I love and value myself.
  If you are reversed( really wanting to hang on to it), you say,'Even though I WANT to hang on to this stomach ache,I love and value myself.
 It worked when she reversed it. Hope this helps.        Ami