are you heard

[seasons]

Yesterday I realized I may tend to go over and over a subject with someone because I feel they have not heard me. I may look for confirmation that is never loud enough, expressive enough etc.

WHY?

I believe because I have been damaged my the N's in my life, was not heard, acknowledged, valued.

It was really a WOW moment for me. I was sad for the people I do this too. I am now going to hear their voice, precious that it is, trust them and allow myself to except it for what they give is REAL.
It's amazing the ripple effect of the damage that is done.

I feel happy that I could see, as the fog is getting less thick.         seasons

[Ami]

Dear Seasons,
  I think that PART of healing is the going over it---again and again. I did this on the board b/c I had to. I simply was in so much pain that I had to.
  Seasons, keep sharing,as much as you want and need to. I, for one, will respond.Others will ,too You will go forward,as you share.     Love   Ami

(((((((((Seasons)))))))))))

[Gaining Strength]

Dear seasons I am so glad for you.  You are describing something that I am familiar with: little bits of light bulb experiences that are quiet, perhaps subtle but very real and very clear.  I am so glad for you.

[seasons]

Ami thanks you. I agree, going over it and over it................ does unravell so much of ourselves.

GS, Thank you, yes very real and clear. I am very grateful for it.

((seasons)) 

[Hopalong]

That's really neat, Seasons.

I can relate to this. It makes me think of the advice to believe what people tell you about themselves (that was in the context of being alert for red flags in Nmen, but it's still about reality).

So if I go through life mostly with a contract with myself and others that I will believe what they say, then I will hear their words and not assume they are witholding something. What they are giving is what they have to give. So no crazed digging for more.

Reality is still my friend, and gratitude follows acceptance.

love and thanks for sharing this,
Hops

[sunblue]

Wow, Seasons....I really identified with what you said about not being heard.

I was in therapy for awhile and I got so exasperated with the therapist because he was a cognitive behavioralist and I always felt I wasn't really heard.  I still feel that way.  I get so frustrated because I know no one has ever really acknowledged what I've been trying to see, let alone the pain or hurt or anything else.  Others who haven't had the experiences just want you to move on, move forward, get on with it.  They really don't ever want to just sit in the moment and listen and hear what you're saying.  That really frustrates me because I feel like I do this for others all the time.  I once had a friend who was relationship-challenged and I would spend hours and hours, days and days, listening to her heartache and frustration over whatever guy she was dealing with.  I really didn't mind because I understand she needed to talk about this, to express her anguish.  But I never found anyone who was willing to do this for me.

At one point I asked my therapist and my "healthy" brother why they couldn't just listen and acknowledge what I was feeling.  Why it didn't matter that I was hurting.  I think for many people who aren't in the same hurtful place, they think if they hear it once, that's enough because they don't want to hear it to begin with.  THey want you just to be positive and hopeful and not dwell on whatever's hurting you and move forward.  My point has always been that you can't move forward until you address the past and part of that process is hearing and acknowledging how you feel and what has happened.

So thank you for this thread.  FOr me, it is the very heart of the problem of being on the receiving end of Ns.  We are NEVER heard.  We are never understood.  We are never a priority.  It is always, ALWAYS, the N who is the priority and who must be heard.  That's why, especially with significant others or therapists or whoever is in our lives, it is so hurtful when they don't listen, when they won't hear.

[Leah]

Thank you for this superb thread, Seasons ,


Sunblue:

My point has always been that you can't move forward until you address the past and part of that process is hearing and acknowledging how you feel and what has happened.

So thank you for this thread.  FOr me, it is the very heart of the problem of being on the receiving end of Ns.  We are NEVER heard.  We are never understood.  We are never a priority.  It is always, ALWAYS, the N who is the priority and who must be heard.  That's why, especially with significant others or therapists or whoever is in our lives, it is so hurtful when they don't listen, when they won't hear.



I so resonate with what you say regarding; that we can't move forward until we address the past and part of the process is hearing, being heard, and being acknowledged as to how you feel, and what has happened.  The not being heard as you, a person who is, a person.

Anything less, is tantamount to being depersonalized, objectified and discounted, which are all forms of abuse!!  So, in effect, further abuse!  In essence, crazymaking, really.

I felt further dismay in my heart when being told to "stop trying to work things out" "you analyse to much" "forget it .... move on!!!"

It is impossible to move on .... healthily.

Yes, one can move on .... in denial .... which is not healthy living at all, in fact, it is deadening.

Being listened to, and really being heard, with regard, to what you are actually saying, and feeling, being acknowledged as a person, and understood, is truly priceless.

Love, Leah

[towrite]

One of my therapists used to say, "Every feeling deserves its day in court". To be heard. I am amazed that you recognize your own need so clearly. There's a pit of woundedness and hurt down in there that needs to be reconized and brought into the light.

towrite

[gratitude28]

Seasons,
How appropriate!!!!! I never thought of this before, but I also did this with my family. Even now, we replay certain conversations where I say the same thing I have said a million times and they pretend they have never heard it before. Now that you mention it, I could bring up a hundred times at this moment where I repeated myself thinking I had not been heard/had not gotten through. Wow, what a revelation.
Love, Beth

[Hopalong]

I agree, Leah:

we can't move forward until we address the past and part of the process is hearing, being heard, and being acknowledged

The big leap, imo, is when we release the hope of being acknowledged by those who did the damage.

A T, trusted friend, or here...here is acknowledgment. But not from an N or a dysfunctional FOO.

(But you know that.) Thanks for this post.

love
Hops

[lighter]

Making peace with not being heard is important too.

We can't always find understanding and sometimes we need to seek out ears that can hear us.... as opposed to speaking and speaking to the ears that simply cannot hear.

Also, finding our own understanding is enough..... is another step in the journey, IMO.

Still working on that.

[seasons]

Thank you all for sharing such personal valuable information.



(((Hops, Leah, towrite, Lighter, sunblue, Gaining Strength, Gratitude, lollie, Ami)))

Wishing us all to be heard. Your voices are important, beautiful.  I hear your pain and I am sorry. love seasons

[reallyME]

seasons, I notice I learned to repeat things myself at times, because the truth is, most of the people I'm friends with, have so many problems that all they want to do is be heard and affirmed.  I might get a word in edgewise, but I'm never sure it sinks in with them, so I keep on saying things till they end up saying "I know.  You told me that already."  Still NOT VALIDATING to me at all and at times, rather irritating.

[SilverLining]

seasons, I notice I learned to repeat things myself at times, because the truth is, most of the people I'm friends with, have so many problems that all they want to do is be heard and affirmed.  I might get a word in edgewise, but I'm never sure it sinks in with them, so I keep on saying things till they end up saying "I know.  You told me that already."  Still NOT VALIDATING to me at all and at times, rather irritating.

I've had the same experience.  I wonder, are we magnets for this because of our background, or is it just part of the human condition?  Maybe it's magnified in our culture? 

On the general topic of being heard, a few months ago I had a WOW experience talking to my N-autistic father when I realized I was talking faster than I would with other people.  Knowing he has the attention span of a gnat, I have to talk fast to have any chance at all of being heard before he inevitably flips the conversation back to himself. 

A bigger WOW experience was realizing how I had been conditioned over many years to not bother trying to be heard at all. 

[sunblue]

I do identify with this topic very much.  I can't quite pinpint it, but I desperately wanted (and still want) my "health" brother to understand me and understand the effects of our family's NPD.  But I think what Lollie said was right, perhaps it is just too uncomfortable for him to handle or deal with.

For example, awhile back, when I was first discovering NPD and realizing it was at the heart of my problems, I studied and read about the topic extensively.  The lightbulb really went off.  At the time, my therapist really didn't get it and, frankly, wasn't very knowledgeable about the subject.  My brother had never heard of it.  So, I spent a great deal of time and wrote a sort of "white paper" on NPD and specifically how NPD affected my family and every member within my family.  I cited very specific examples for each person and showed how NPD had caused us to be who we are.  In the examples for myself, I wrote (thereby letting my brother know for the first time) that I had been molested by three older boys when I was young.  I have been through a number of negative experiences and that was just one I cited.

But, much to my surprise and disappointment, although my brother said he read what I wrote for him, he never, not even once, mentioned it.  I had never told anyone about it except for doctors who asked me specific questions about physical abuse.  I hadn't wanted to hurt any family members.  Even at a young age, I knew my Nmom and co-D dad couldn't cope with it.  And here my adult, "healthy" brother didn't even mention it.  In my world, I just can't imagine doing that.  At the very least, I expected a "I'm so sorry this happened to you."...But nothing.

So, yes, perhaps people don't want to "hear" what you say because they don't want to deal with it.  That not only saddens me but hurts me.  My thought is, if it hurts them just to listen, imagine how I felt being the person who actually experienced it!  It seems to me as those who are on the receiving end of Ns, we are forever and ever having to be concerned about others---their feelings, their reactions.  Even when the attention rightfully belongs on us, we have to be cognizant of how others will react....

The end result, at least in my case, is there is never anyone there for me.  I've learned this especially in the last year and it is a really lonely place.

Thanks for listening and sharing.....