Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
How to deal with a visit from an N
Violet:
I know you guys are right. It's just not easy. I'm non-confrontational by nature and upbringing. Even my father told me that this time around I needed to stop playing by the rules of game that N has never even heard of.
Fighting makes me feel ill. I just so much wish I did not have this person in my life. Life is hard enough without dealing with this guy's garbage.
I know I could drop N like a bag of dirt. Isn't it funny that the one with such a long rap sheet of offenses, is the one who dang near invites people with his obnoxious behavior to tear him apart? That trait alone convinces me that my father in-law is not just a jerk, but that there is something pathologically wrong with him. I mean, why on earth would you do virtually everything in your power to make the one thing you fear most come true????
Anonymous:
Violet,
My husband was very submissive toward his N mother. There were always excuses for her behavior ("She's in physical pain," "She didn't use to be like this," "She's lonely," &etc.) I understood his childhood history with her; I understood the dynamics; I "got" the whole picture.
Guess what: We were in marriage counseling and every therapist told us the same thing. That he had to put HIS WIFE FIRST and his MOTHER SECOND. They all advised that he should honor his wife and marriage first.
I thought I had a MIL from hell (she is thankfully deceased) but your in-laws take the cake. They wouldn't get past my front door even if I looked like an evil witch and the meanest person in town. I think your neighbors would even thank you for turning them away.
I think it's time for you and and your husband to take back your home and not let these buffoons have the run of it while you meekly escape to other places. Honor your home. Honor your privacy. Honor your marriage.
That's it.
bunny
Violet:
There have been times, especially early on in our marriage and only in the actual presence of his parents, that I felt like a second priority. We were able to talk about this however and came to a better understanding.
Since my husband doesn't participate in their weirdness and he is often mortified by their behavior, I don't really feel like he puts them above me or our marriage. In fact, I often think that - well, how to say this - that he reacts to them as if he were not their son, but their son in-law.
He never makes excuses for them and he never has. He usually says to me things like, "I'm sorry my parents are such freaks." I keep trying to break him of accepting blame and responsibility for them, but they taught him from an early age to do this and it is one tough habit to break.
In addition to their father's N antics, their mother did something different and which I consider deeply wrong. She encouraged the boys to take the blame for anything and everything, because their father was "too sensitive" to handle it. Like when she discouraged her eldest son from quitting peewee football because as she said, "your father probably won't have much to do with you anymore." Her son continued to play even though he was much smaller than the other boys and afraid. Two weeks later he was hospitalized after he got a concussion on the field. The coach, not his parents, finally said "enough is enough."
To be honest, this upcoming visit took both us by surprise. After they left this Christmas, my husband said he would understand if I decided never to see them again. I told him that I would never invite them to my home again and that I was never going up to visit them again if I could possibly help it. None of this was said in anger and having decided this, we figured that we could get away without seeing them for a year before they next visited.
My SiL says they are coming down because it's easier on them to be united against us than tearing each other apart in the privacy of their own home.
Short of actually moving and leaving no forwarding address (ha, ha), I'm not sure how to keep them out. I'm really not exaggerating when I say that they will come anyway. What do I do when I open my door and see them standing there - clutching all their clothes and toiletries in plastic grocery bags, since they are too cheap to buy luggage? Use that great Jack Nicholson line, "Sorry, we're all stocked up on crazy here"?
Anonymous:
Violet,
Your husband is putting them ahead of you and his marriage when he allows them to stay for two weeks against your wishes. Anger is not what I'm talking about. There are ways to put parents ahead of spouses without any anger being involved.
What I'd do at this point: *be out of town* when they come. The house is closed, locked. If I didn't do this, I might rent some attack dogs to keep them away (seriously). I would simply not let them in the door, no matter how many bags they had. That's right! They have lost the privilege of entering my home. That's how I'd see it.
well, good luck..
bunny
nassim:
Violet,
I think it is telling that you keep referring to your husband and his brothers as boys. Men put their wife and kids first...boys are still clinging to Mommy and Daddy. Please don't get offended, I'm just pointing out something that hit me between the eyes when I read your posts. And Bunny's post is correct. He should put you first. Mom and Dad way second.
I know dealing with an N isn't easy. I wouldn't open the door to these people. You have to set boundries. They can stay at a hotel and your husband must handle this. It is his place to deal with his family. Your doing it shows that he can't handle it and puts him in the little boy position.
Please know, no offense intended.
Nassim
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